Also, there are definitely a lot of cute, attractive women in the real world.

I think I was getting looked at an awful lot today. I realized it might be my Amherst sweatshirt. That's good i think? I think there's just a lot of college students travelling today for the holidays.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp
Current Location: US, Massachusetts, Suffolk, Boston, Storrow Memorial Dr

Being on a bus brings back bad (as in good) memories. It's strange I didn't feel this way on the bus to New York. Maybe things would be different then.

I really just want to sleep, given that I haven't, and there's no one here to sleep with. Bus cuddle buddies are a good thing.

Tags: via ljapp
Current Location: On a buz
Current Mood: Terrible
Current Music: Howie day

What do you do with the memories of past lovers when they are no longer your lover?

I needed that. A lot.

I like how pictures can take you back. Words as well.

Something needs to be said. And I need to be a man.

A superior man.

I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.

The worst part about everything about the last 3 months is that...

If I'd have only said things a tiny amount differently...

If I'd only have said "I want to take a break" instead of "I want to be with other people".

If I'd only have thought about her actual feelings and apologized.

Then I wouldn't have any of these problems right now.

It was those few tiny mistakes in that small period of time that has caused all of 3 months of problems.


I'll eventually find myself in a better state and get over it. It may take a very intelligent, attractive, and loving woman for me to get over it, but I'll get over it. But damnit, that was a small amount of mistakes for a long period of pain.

“You treat every woman the way you treat your mother. That doesn’t give women any sense of you WANTING them sexually, and that’s ultimately the difference between friendship and closer relationships: sexual attraction. You have to make them feel wanted in every way, including sexually. She taught you to think that way, because she wants a nice well-mannered son.”

Seeing how as I try my best to talk to my mom as little as possible, it could explain my good job of giving people the cold shoulder for a long time.

http://approachanxiety.com/?p=291#comment-34400

I like it when people (women) respond to my e-mails.

http://approachanxiety.com/?p=289#more-289

"Breaking up is one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety. People with social anxiety have a huge fear of conflict.  And there isn’t any more conflict than if you break up with someone.

The complete and total emotional separation.  The transition from affiliative partnering to complete estrangement.   Going from I’m-on-your-side camaraderie to complete antagonism.  It’s one of the most difficult things to do."

"When it comes to anxiety, there is probably no place that guys feel it in such a deep emotional way than when he needs to break up with a girl.

You want to be the nice guy.  That’s been your main operative since you were a child.  You care about her feelings.  A lot.

You’ll do anything to avoid being the bad guy.  You are afraid to stir up conflict and incur her wrath."

Wow.

That article is just gold. Wish I had been able to read it before I broke up with Saskia.

Yup, still a terrible person.

These two months have basically been a waste of time.

ahhhhh fuck my life. what was i thinking. so many good times.

Remember when I got into Amherst College?

That got me thinking about a whole lot of things.

Remember when I applied to Amherst?
Remember when I had never kissed anyone?
Remember when I kissed someone?
Remember when I thought life was simple?
Remember when I thought life was hard?
Remember when I discovered what love was?
Remember when I discovered what it was like to lose it?
Remember when I met people who accepted me for who I was?
Remember when I too scared to go to swing lessons?
Remember all the times I've taught people how to dance swing afterwards?
Remember when after two years I still couldn't dance?
Remember when I got over it and just tried to dance?

Life is great, you just have to go live it.

Tags: life
Current Mood: positive

I just spent way too much time reminiscing about life. Looked back at my blog posts from my first two months at Amherst. I really do miss blogging often. it's great to look back at a snapshot of your life.

And hence, looking back at a snapshot of me getting to know Saskia.

I also just spent some time looking back at old emails. Oh the emails lovers send to each other.

Fuck me.

I'll never forget her. Wish I didn't have to.

Tags: love

What a terrible two months.

I break up with my girlfriend. Wish I didn't.

I meet girl who I can't pull the trigger on. Wish I could.

I have senioritis like crazy. It's my last semester. Oh yeah, and I may be taking comps I haven't studied for this week! Wish I wasn't.

My best friend may be taking the rest of the semester off.

And I'm still single.

<sarcasm> Life is great! </sarcasm>

Tags: life sucks
Current Mood: :(
Current Music: Matt Wertz

I broke up with Saskia about a month ago.

We had a fun weekend when she visited from Boston, and then on that Thursday she called me drunk and it was an annoying, unproductive hour that I did not want to be on the phone. I said something really shitty to her on IM the next day, and we didn't talk for a while until she called me up, wondering why we hadn't talked.

After Thurs/Friday I did not really want to talk to her. So I didn't. And we had 2 or 3 phone conversations over the next few weeks that were unproductive. In one of them I broached that I was thinking of breaking up with her, because "if you're going to get drunk and call me and do something I don't like and it makes me unhappy, I'm going to think about breaking up with you".

My other reason is internal. Sometimes when I was with her I thought that everything was perfect, and I wanted to be with her forever. And then there were other times where my brain said that I didn't want to be with her.

I've talked with some people, well, a lot of people about this, and some mentioned how it was normal. Other people mentioned that sometimes its just not meant to be. Psychologically, my mind is not perfect. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression, and still have periods of bad thoughts.

After a month, I know I at least probably bailed out on things a little too soon. Maybe things were going sour but I just gave up. You need to know that you need to break up with someone before you ruin a strong relationship. We had a much stronger relationship than some people I know, yet I still ended it.

I also have terrible timing, since I was hoping to stay at Amherst a whole entire year. But my petition to stay another semester so I could take more courses was rejected. I could stay around in the area and work (and might), but it does kind of make it harder to meet people at Amherst, knowing that I won't be here next semester. I'm free now, in a way, so I'm really considering traveling for the next semester, probably to some place in Europe. Finances are a slight issue, but I need to get out there.

Tags: amherst, love, s
Current Location: computer center

I was trying to write a quick post on my netbook before going to bed. I failed before even getting to the livejournal page. Oh well.

I'm getting rid of/selling my car, well, at some point. My registration and insurance runs out at the end of the month, and it all around comes at a good time. My car is relatively crap. It runs well, but it still has issues that need to be fixed in order to pass inspection. And as two cops have found out in the past two months, those issues haven't been fixed for two years.

Basically, I think I'm done with cars. Oil prices will go back up; peak oil is an issue and while I'm uncertain about what will happen in the next few years--I know that gasoline prices will continue to be a problem. If I'm here at Amherst for one full year, I really do not need a car. I can get a Uhaul to move back into Amherst after my research internship at UMass is done, and then I wouldn't need to figure out what to do until next May. That will save me at least my $1000 insurance, not including the car problems, gas, etc. Money wise it's a no-brainer. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake  (like it was to throw out my rusty, old mountain bike after I realize bikes are expensive), but its something I need to do.

Things are swell. Research is okay, but I'm not all gung-ho about computer science graduate school. Part of it is that I'm not a huge fan of the project I'm currently working on--I'd say power-saving computer architectures would be my ideal research field. Wireless networks are cool, but this project I'm looking at the data on just isn't mind-blowing enough for me. Note taken: proving obvious hypotheses are not my bag of tea. I definitely need to take some time off and work somewhere at something before making future decisions (and while paying attention to which way the world is falling apart at that time). But it would be cool to go to Montreal for graduate school.

Ahhh... living it up in the slow and steady lane.

Tags: amherst, career, future, graduate school, job, life
Current Location: UMass, North 205A, in bed
Current Mood: swell
Current Music: hummmm of netbook fan

I got a twitter, also, in case you were curious.

http://twitter.com/shunny14

Primarily because Howie Day has a personal twitter account, and I just couldn't resist after that. Now if only Matt Nathanson came out with an official twitter I'd be in idol-worshiping heaven.

I always did like Facebook's little status thingie, so I suppose I'm not that against micro-blogging.

Tags: twitter
Current Music: Howie Day

In case you were curious, we're back together.

I guess I can survive being single.

But it still hurts to be right now.

Current Music: a lot of sad songs to get me by

What do I want?

A while ago,  I just wanted a relationship and I wanted someone who cares. I got that and now I lost that.

Now that that's gone, I'm lost because I don't get it.

Look, I like to think inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me. I like to understand everything that is going on. And I imagine what will happen in conversation between X and Y.

I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it.

I guess something just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's her. Whatever.

But if it's wasn't at least slightly me, I'd have every girl at this school knocking on my door right now and I'd also not be single. There's always room for slight improvements. Or large.


Well, let's start it with that.

I have to cox (well, most likely) Saskia tomorrow. Should be fun. She walked into the computer center yesterday and I basically--(hey look, my next best friend the em dash) to give the best description of my feelings--had a panic attack. I ignored her and couldn't do my work and then she came to tell me that she left money for the pogies I'm giving her and a t-shirt of mine she found. Yup, as you can imagine, I felt spiffy.

I'm not sure what my problem is. I guess I'm not used to burning a bridge I don't actually want to burn, and can't.

I just don't know how to be friends with her.

I know how to push every button on her body but I don't know how to be her friend.

And now... I don't know how to push any bodies' buttons and I don't know how to be anyone's friend. Great. Perfect. Exactly what single Ryan doesn't need.


Let's end it with that. Things will get better soon, but I don't know how and I don't know with whom.

Current Mood: don't leave me high.....
Current Music: Radiohead - High and Dry

Well, I'm not over Saskia, but this girl I was dancing with at Swing was pretty cute.

So, no Ryan, the world is not over.

You just have to put on your dancing shoes.

Current Music: Coldplay - Amsterdam

I got mentioned in the shirt.woot.com/Forums/ViewPost.aspx. (see bottom of post.) Sweet!

I also bought a Women's Large because they were out of small/medium/ and large random shirts yesterday.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html

I'm just going to turn this blog into the "Ryan Broke Up With His First Girlfriend And Needs To Vent A Ton Blog".

"Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around." - http://www.enotalone.com/article/2528.html

I currently have a list of : "If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better."

But, it's probably a little overkill for even a friends-only post because half of it is about sex. Oh wait, I just thought about another one....about sex.

I would post the lyrics.

But, the song isn't even out yet.

And it just doesn't do it justice.

This is how I feel right now.

I told at least 5 people in the span of 2 hours that me and Saskia broke up. It makes me feel a little better now, being open about it.

But I still don't know what to do.