"There you are, and you suddenly realize that you are spending your whole life just barely getting by. You keep up a good front. You manage to make ends meet somehow and look OK from the outside. But those periods of desperation, those times when you feel everything caving in on you, you keep those to yourself. You are a mess. And you know it. But you hide it beautifully. Meanwhile, way down under all that you just know there has got be some other way to live, some better way to look at the world, some way to touch life more fully. You click into it by chance now and then. You get a good job. You fall in love. You win the game. and for a while, things are different. Life takes on a richness and clarity that makes all the bad times and humdrum fade away. The whole texture of your experience changes and you say to yourself, "OK, now I've made it; now I will be happy". But then that fades, too, like smoke in the wind. You are left with just a memory. That and a vague awareness that something is wrong."

As a way of keeping me positive, I wanted to create a list of life goals. My 8th grade English teacher first inspired me to do this, but I never kept it going.

Things I want to do in my life:

- Learn to ice skate
-- And hence, play hockey
- See the Eiffel Tower
- Go to Australia
--- Formula 1 race in Montreal!!!
- Act again

- Play WSOP? Not that interested, but it's an option.

Tags: goals, life

I'm having a bad day. I woke up and didn't want to wake up. I preceded to dream various senseless dreams until about 10:00 when I realized I needed to get to work eventually and I was already ridiculously late. I got to work around 11:40. It was a busy few hours with the help desk, fixing a computer, meeting on something. But after I came back from eating I did little and basically read Reddit online. When in reality there were actually quite a few things to do. Getting out labstats data, making tickets, resolving tickets I finished with, doing work on the software drive stuff. But I didn't want to do stuff. I just wanted to read reddit posts till it made me sick.

My dreams this morning were annoying. I keep feeling like I'm stuck thinking about my dream or trying to get over what was happening it. Like when I tried to wake up this morning, I remember this big circle/sun dial like thing that was in my dream. Or of course when I didn't want to get up I just wanted to go back to sleep. Work was so far away and I was so tired and I just would of rather slept. Maybe I'll just sleep a lot tonight.

Also, last day of no shave November thank beaver. I really want to get a haircut now too because my hair is just pissing me off. Root canal tomorrow and I don't know what to expect. On the bus home and still miserable. I think I may either eat in town or go to stop and shop and pick up random easy to make food because I'm hungry but would like to save money and don't want to instill too much effort. My room is still a mess since I got home with all my clothes in bags on the floor... I washed them and clearly still got nowhere.

Whaaaah me.

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But now I feel terrible!!! Woo!

As bad as I felt at the bar last night, this morning is pretty great.

Slowly learning that I dont do bars.

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While reading Updike this morning on the bus (Pigeon Feathers, one of the short story collections) it occurred me that instead of writing an autobiographical story, I could write a fake autobiographical story. Like Updike writes. He has several short stories in this collection that are either based off his life as a young boy or as a young husband/father.

I've thought about doing NaNoWriMo but I don't know what I could write about that was complete fiction. Then I realized I could take the time to write a catharsis about my first relationship. But that feels like cheating. While not the easiest thing to write, I wouldn't have to do much thinking, just remembering. One of my friends (Shane) told me that the important thing is just to write, so its still a consideration. And it'd be great to get all that stuff out of my head.

Now after this morning I realize I could do the fake autobiography. I could also change some names, make some stuff up, but write something based off my experiences in college. Could be good. Maybe a male, shy I Am Charlotte Simmons (which I havent read, thank $diety).

Hmm...

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Sometimes I wonder...

How do you NOT talk to yourself?

Current Music: the silence of my roommate making dinner

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0553062182/

http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Love-Understanding/dp/0767903366/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person

Tags: me