I was trying to write a quick post on my netbook before going to bed. I failed before even getting to the livejournal page. Oh well.

I'm getting rid of/selling my car, well, at some point. My registration and insurance runs out at the end of the month, and it all around comes at a good time. My car is relatively crap. It runs well, but it still has issues that need to be fixed in order to pass inspection. And as two cops have found out in the past two months, those issues haven't been fixed for two years.

Basically, I think I'm done with cars. Oil prices will go back up; peak oil is an issue and while I'm uncertain about what will happen in the next few years--I know that gasoline prices will continue to be a problem. If I'm here at Amherst for one full year, I really do not need a car. I can get a Uhaul to move back into Amherst after my research internship at UMass is done, and then I wouldn't need to figure out what to do until next May. That will save me at least my $1000 insurance, not including the car problems, gas, etc. Money wise it's a no-brainer. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake  (like it was to throw out my rusty, old mountain bike after I realize bikes are expensive), but its something I need to do.

Things are swell. Research is okay, but I'm not all gung-ho about computer science graduate school. Part of it is that I'm not a huge fan of the project I'm currently working on--I'd say power-saving computer architectures would be my ideal research field. Wireless networks are cool, but this project I'm looking at the data on just isn't mind-blowing enough for me. Note taken: proving obvious hypotheses are not my bag of tea. I definitely need to take some time off and work somewhere at something before making future decisions (and while paying attention to which way the world is falling apart at that time). But it would be cool to go to Montreal for graduate school.

Ahhh... living it up in the slow and steady lane.

Tags: amherst, career, future, graduate school, job, life
Current Location: UMass, North 205A, in bed
Current Mood: swell
Current Music: hummmm of netbook fan

I got a twitter, also, in case you were curious.

http://twitter.com/shunny14

Primarily because Howie Day has a personal twitter account, and I just couldn't resist after that. Now if only Matt Nathanson came out with an official twitter I'd be in idol-worshiping heaven.

I always did like Facebook's little status thingie, so I suppose I'm not that against micro-blogging.

Tags: twitter
Current Music: Howie Day

In case you were curious, we're back together.

I guess I can survive being single.

But it still hurts to be right now.

Current Music: a lot of sad songs to get me by

What do I want?

A while ago,  I just wanted a relationship and I wanted someone who cares. I got that and now I lost that.

Now that that's gone, I'm lost because I don't get it.

Look, I like to think inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me. I like to understand everything that is going on. And I imagine what will happen in conversation between X and Y.

I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it.

I guess something just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's her. Whatever.

But if it's wasn't at least slightly me, I'd have every girl at this school knocking on my door right now and I'd also not be single. There's always room for slight improvements. Or large.


Well, let's start it with that.

I have to cox (well, most likely) Saskia tomorrow. Should be fun. She walked into the computer center yesterday and I basically--(hey look, my next best friend the em dash) to give the best description of my feelings--had a panic attack. I ignored her and couldn't do my work and then she came to tell me that she left money for the pogies I'm giving her and a t-shirt of mine she found. Yup, as you can imagine, I felt spiffy.

I'm not sure what my problem is. I guess I'm not used to burning a bridge I don't actually want to burn, and can't.

I just don't know how to be friends with her.

I know how to push every button on her body but I don't know how to be her friend.

And now... I don't know how to push any bodies' buttons and I don't know how to be anyone's friend. Great. Perfect. Exactly what single Ryan doesn't need.


Let's end it with that. Things will get better soon, but I don't know how and I don't know with whom.

Current Mood: don't leave me high.....
Current Music: Radiohead - High and Dry

Well, I'm not over Saskia, but this girl I was dancing with at Swing was pretty cute.

So, no Ryan, the world is not over.

You just have to put on your dancing shoes.

Current Music: Coldplay - Amsterdam

I got mentioned in the shirt.woot.com/Forums/ViewPost.aspx. (see bottom of post.) Sweet!

I also bought a Women's Large because they were out of small/medium/ and large random shirts yesterday.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html

I'm just going to turn this blog into the "Ryan Broke Up With His First Girlfriend And Needs To Vent A Ton Blog".

"Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around." - http://www.enotalone.com/article/2528.html

I currently have a list of : "If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better."

But, it's probably a little overkill for even a friends-only post because half of it is about sex. Oh wait, I just thought about another one....about sex.

I would post the lyrics.

But, the song isn't even out yet.

And it just doesn't do it justice.

This is how I feel right now.

I told at least 5 people in the span of 2 hours that me and Saskia broke up. It makes me feel a little better now, being open about it.

But I still don't know what to do.

I'm so lost.

Crew, Saskia, whatever.

I might as well just start flipping coins at this point and let fate despite.

Poor free will.

I hardy knew ye.

I am no longer listed as "In A Relationship" on Facebook.

"I used to worry about that. I don't worry about it very much any more. At least I'm still in love with Yorick's skull. At least I always have time enough to stay in love with Yorick's skull. I want an honorable goddam skull when I'm dead, buddy. I hanker after an honorable goddam skull like Yorick's. And so do you, Franny Glass. So do you, so do you. . . . Ah, God, what's the use of talking? You had the exact same goddam freakish upbringing I did, and if you don't know by this time what kind of skull you want when you're dead, and what you have to do to earn it—I mean if you don't at least know by this time that if you're an actress you're supposed to act, then what's the use of talking?" - Zooey, in Zooey (Salinger)

Maybe I'm a helper. And I'm supposed to help.

Thanks Zooey.

Tags: franny and zooey, me, salinger
Current Location: amherst college

It's really good to be back.

So goood.

But I really need to get to bed.

I'll start off with the conclusion -- this semester did not go as well as I had hoped.

It started off strong, and it seemed like it would go quite smoothly, but it slowly ventured downhill and finally imploded sometime after Thanksgiving break.

It actually felt quite long. I still can't really believe that over 4 months ago I was still working and doing stuff for orientation on campus, and then a few days later it would be schoolwork and crew.

At the start of the semester, all my classes were great. Econ was not only interesting but rather easy since I had already had a little bit of Econ knowledge from my Macro class at BCC. Geo looked to be rather easy and a breeze, and also quite fun and easy. Both my computer science classes seemed interesting and not too hard.

By the end, I hated Geo, getting up early in the morning, and the grueling and annoying group assignment I did most of the work on. The class was also not what I had expected, the tests felt cheesy (and I got a D on the first one), and energy resources were talked about but he did not talk about energy resource depletion at all. At the end of the class the professor even claimed that "fossil fuels are not going away". I mostly disagree. I learned a little about global warming but I would not have taken that class over again.

I realized I hated Geo about a month into the class, but everything else was mostly going okay until Thanksgiving break. I preceded to put off several assignments (CS16 CPU/ISA project, several CS23 labs, and studying for Econ final) that screwed me over. The CS23 labs I should have finished weeks before, and that caused me to have to manage about 3 things at the same time during reading period and finals week, while I had the exams for all 3 classes.

Hence, I got the CS assignments mostly done (the CS16 project was great, CS23 labs could have been better), but put off studying the Econ exam and got screwed over in that. Then the CS exams were both pretty brutal, the CS23 one being worse because that was the only test/exam in the class.

So, in summary things went bad but they were good.

I started off the first two CS23 labs strongly (in that I started them early/ier), but then the CS16 exam was tough (it was scaled and I still got a B-) and the material in both classes got tougher.

Econ really was going great, A's on both midterms and I felt the class was pretty easy and then the final came which was a disaster. I got surprised by the format and I didn't study appropriately. Usually I can guess the format of exams but in that one I just forgot to -- I should of studied the book for the old material and my notes for the new material. And then I just didn't study hard enough.


I realized after the Econ exam that I really need to re-evaluate how I consider success. I said for a while that to me, grades don't matter. They do, to high-profile jobs and internships and yadda yadda. But I'm most likely not looking at that (it'd be nice...). But it does matter how much work and effort I put in to my classes and work.

For the Econ exam, I simply didn't put in enough work and studying (this is true for the CS exams as well). If you study really hard, and a test is tough and you do bad, whatever, the test was tough and you did your best. But if you don't study hard, and a test wasn't very hard and you did good because of that, that shouldn't be cause for celebration.

I did a good job early in Econ, I did all the problem sets eventually (could of studied harder for the quizzes) - but then I ignored the practice final exam, and the last problem sets, which I should have focused more on.

I'm upset at myself at the end of this semester not because I got bad grades, but because I simply didn't work hard enough. I've had 3 semesters here and I've done this each and every semester. I know how much more work I have to do to qualify to myself to work hard enough, and it's definitely do-able, but I still haven't applied that amount of work. I was close this semester, but I expect next semester to be better.


I've still only got one grade back, a B in Geo, which is definitely much better than it could of been. I'm hoping all my grades stay in the B range (I am a little upset I threw away my A/A+ in Econ), but the CS exams were badd, they could be worse. Edit (I got an A in CS16 (surprising), a B+ in CS23, a B+ in Econ, and I think a B or B- in Geo... could of been all A's though)

Tags: amherst, school
Current Location: basement, home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: itunes...argh

I don't think peak oil literature contains the word bailout anywhere.

I don't really understand everything that is happening to the economy right now. (And I admit, it's not all because of oil. I'm taking Econ 11 and I can see that the housing crisis isn't entirely because of oil prices...but it's made it much worse.)

But I think while writers have talked about an upcoming crash, the party being over, etc., they didn't anticipate that government would try to throw everything including the kitchen sink to prevent it.

If you take away all these bailouts, I guess you'd be seeing a really quick collapse.

Tags: economy, peak oil

Maybe I spoke too soon.

djjohnnymac was right. I probably could of waited until I was sober to make that last post.

Everything is okay after a bit of discussion, and everything is happy.

Now if only investment banks would stop folding and credit would stop tightening some I could get a loan and actually be able to pay for school.

Tags: s, school
Current Music: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I'm tempted to start an oil-related blog. Except I can't write and while I keep up to date I don't know everything. However, I am good at catchy titles. "Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well" - from a Mike Doughty song.

In other news, I won $150 in one of the WSOP fantasy poker freerolls last night. Finished 2nd in limit hold'em after starting Full Tilt up out of the blue and realizing I was registered in a freeroll. That was with 1500 chips left. I was up until 3am but it was moderately fun. However, for the most part poker is still relatively boring. And somehow I'm still good at it.

Also, Saskia comes back in 8 days, 20 hours, 58 minutes and 37 seconds. That's about 212 hours. Yes, I'm counting.

Tags: oil, poker, s
Current Mood: working

I decided to play a $4.40 tournament on Stars because I had an itch. I couldn't get any friends here to play any semblance of a poker game with me when I had a deck of cards in my hand.

And lo and behold, I can still play poker.

( Hand )

In summary, I folded the nut flush (four on board) into a full house on the river, while the donk behind me calls with the ten-high flush. Fun times.

Tags: poker
Current Mood: i have 4k in chips

I feel miserable.

There's loads of things I need to do, none of which I actually want to do. Especially the stuff that should really get done soon (like now). I could get away with not doing some of it. But I just don't want to do any of it.

But what else is new?

I've spent the past few years fucking everything up.

Last summer, I wasted away my research job with a professor I respect and admire. And she knows I didn't work that hard. Yet I've still kept in touch with her and I still feel bad.

I spent last semester doing not enough work in most of my classes. I could have worked harder. I could have managed my time better. I didn't.

I could have worked harder this semester. I've done about 10% of the reading for one class. I could have done better in my math class. I could have studied for that test, and not got such a bad grade.

I could have actually sent in an application for a few internships. Especially at Upward Bound. It would of been great. But I never finished them, and I never sent them, and I never got them. And now I'm probably spending my summer being an uneducated bum in my parent's basement.

I could actually work hard. I could use whatever knowledge I have and apply it to my studies and do good things. But I'm not.

People work hard here. Really hard. Crazily hard. I have my priorities wrong. I should have quit crew a while ago. I should have admitted when I couldn't handle the workload. I could have got help on it.


There was an event at Hampshire by Richard Heinberg, one of the most well-known writers about peak oil in the U.S., brought here by the aforementioned professor by back home. I heard about it ahead of time and there were numerous avenues I could have told people about it from. I could have posted flyers at all the five colleges. It would of been because of me that my peers would of learned about peak oil, and might have been able to see what will happen in the next few years in a time of resource scarcity.

But I failed. I never e-mailed or told the professors from my political science class who would of probably been interested. I never emailed a few of the groups on campus or friends that might have been interested. I never put up any flyers.

It was well attended. By people not my age. I saw my professor from BCC, and felt mildly embarrassed for how bad I felt, doing nothing.


This is becoming a reoccurring theme. I haven't done my taxes. I haven't done them from last year either. I haven't done my financial aid. I have a 20-page term paper I haven't started, due two weeks from now. I have a few books and articles from one class I'm doing well in, not read. I didn't put up the rest of the posters from the dance club I'm a leader of. I haven't made posters for our end of semester event.

And who knows if I really want to do any of it?

What do I want to do?

I'd like to cuddle up in my bed and fall asleep. Maybe think of my girlfriend in India.

And I'm not really sure I want to do all this work. But I should. I guess.

Tags: amherst, college, stupid me
Current Mood: miserable
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Car Crash

I just spent about 5 minutes trying to figure out why the code that seemed to work perfectly (when all the previous code didn't) wouldn't come up with the right calculation of an equation.

What was the problem? I had a plus sign where I meant to put a minus sign. I laughed out loud in the middle of the computer center. Oh, silly human typos.

Tags: computers
Current Music: Ingrid - The Way I Am

 What would you do if after two months, the first person you ever loved went to India for 7 months?

That's my predicament.

And so after about two months of beautiful amazing bliss, I am at Amherst and Saskia is not, gone to study-abroad in India.

Yes, it sucks. We talked about this when I was in Vermont with her. It was the first time I have ever been so close to someone ever. And from October 23rd from January 5th was the best time of my life, ever. I'm having a lot of trouble putting how I feel into words.

But I really miss her, and even though we technically agreed to "break up", we've been e-mailing back and forth (and even chatting on AIM at 6am at night) since she got to India, and I really really miss her.

I suppose on the brightside, it's a good thing that things haven't ended bad, but it's too sad that it's possible that there is so much more there, between us.

Maybe it's because I've waited so long for this, that I've been so picky and so shy and so scared and anxious to actually ask a girl out, or fall in love with someone, but I feel like since I've waited so long and been so picky, it makes her even more perfect. Like this isn't one of those quick failed relationships people have in high school. Maybe this is much longer lasting. And I feel like it could be. Maybe I have no way of knowing, maybe we would of got tired of each other after two months back here, but I miss her and I love her still and I can picture us being together for a while if it wasn't for us being many miles apart.

A friend said back home that it seems like you always like the first one the most. I don't want to abandon her and find out every other girl in the world doesn't live up to her awesomeness.

I miss her. And while I might technically be single, I don't know if I really want to try to meet anyone. And I could easily not try to, it's a lot of work to actually attempt to find another girlfriend. And I kind of want to be single in 7 months.

Maybe things will change in a month, but that's how I feel right now.

Tags: s
Current Location: college
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: matty

I was planning to write something about what I've been up to, but the words are failing me; or more truthfully, the willingness to put what I'm thinking about into words is failing me.

In summary,

- I could of done better on most of my finals and much of the work I did during the last part of the semester, but I got a C+ in Logic, B+ in Poli Sci, an A in Comp Sci, and will hopefully barely pass my final in Linear Algebra that I got an extension for because I was doing so bad. Not great, but it's Amherst, and I expected to not as good as I was used to at BCC.

 - Christmas wasn't so great. Seeing family members was okay, especially my cousin, but most of the gatherings were pretty bland and I didn't really talk ot a lot of my family on my step-dad's side at our usual party. I just didn't really care if they didn't care. And with the exception of the gifts I did not expect from my professor, everything I got was pretty disappointing. It's not about gifts at all, but give me something I would care about rather than a 100 disc CD holder. How about a book?

- Me and Saskia have parted ways because she left to study abroad in India on the 5th. I went to go see her in Vermont over break and I had a lot of fun with all the snow. Her parents were really nice and smart, I could actually have an intelligent conversation with them which is a change from uhh..my parents. I miss her. There's more to say, but I don't feel like writing about it right now, and I don't want to write something completely muddled when it's not the only I need to mention.

- It's good to be back at school and be with friends. Although I kind of forgot what it was like to sleep in my own room.

Tags: amherst, s
Current Mood: lonely

It's almost December at Amherst, and while in some ways it has gone by really fast, in other ways it has gone by really slow.

Academically, everything has gone by so fast and I can't believe there's only a week and a half of classes left after Friday. It feels like I had only just started the semester. The reason it feels like it's gone by so fast is probably because I haven't worked nearly as hard as I should have. While with the exception of my math class, my grades are shockingly decent even though my work ethic is the same as it always has been. 

My Linear Algebra class is, as my girlfriend would say, a disaster. I guess technically I'm failing right now, with a 64 and a 51 on two tests with 65% of my grade yet to be decided (test and a final, counting the 15% my lowest test will get). One of the primary reasons why I'm doing so bad is that I didn't do homework for over four weeks in a row, realizing every time I got to a problem with proofs that I had no idea what I was doing. For the most part I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I think there's hope for me somewhere. I think I did the math and the highest grade I can get if I ace everything is a B, but I doubt that will happen. I think I have to get at least an 80 to still get a C. It's possible, but I need to work a lot harder than I am now.

Socially, have gone by slowly and that's a good thing. I feel like I've been here and around campus forever. I met lots of friends here and my roommate and I get along really well. I do a few different things on campus: crew, IT job, swing lessons, did MassPIRG for a little while. And I found the thing I've been looking for most of my life. A girlfriend. I wrote an entry two months ago about how much I just wanted to be with someone, lie in their arms for hours, sleep in their bed all day, and fall in love. And I have. And it's great. And she's amazing. And it's exactly what I've been looking for.

Unfortunately, a social life is one of the reasons why my grades have fallen and has caused my work ethic to fall to new lows. It's hard to get things done when you usually work on things late at night and instead spend those nights in your girlfriend's bed (my bed isn't nearly as comfortable).

But, it's been an awesome semester overall, as bad as I guess I'm doing here. In my other classes, I have a solid A more than likely in my Computer Science (java) class, probably a B in Logic, and I got a B+/A- on the first half of my Poli Sci term paper. Which really isn't that bad for my first semester at a real college. I don't know if I want to major in Math anymore, since I'm doing so bad in my current class when all I really want to do is teach it. But other than that, things are great.

I still find it a little bit awkward, going to a school that has a little over 1600 students, when I see all kinds of familiar faces yet barely talk to anyone in my dorm except for the two girls across the hall (of which, are my girlfriend and her friend). I feel like I should get to know everyone here, since literally I'll probably see the face of everyone on campus by the end of my stay. It's that small. But I'm still somewhat shy and don't see that happening. And I still sometimes like eating alone, although I enjoy it more when a random acquaintence comes along and I have a friendly conversation with them. It's tricky but I guess that's half the joy of it.

Tags: amherst, college, girls, life, s
Current Mood: happy