Ryan Turcotte ([info]shunny) wrote,
@ 2009-02-26 00:50:00
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http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html

I'm just going to turn this blog into the "Ryan Broke Up With His First Girlfriend And Needs To Vent A Ton Blog".

"Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around." - http://www.enotalone.com/article/2528.html

I currently have a list of : "If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better."

But, it's probably a little overkill for even a friends-only post because half of it is about sex. Oh wait, I just thought about another one....about sex.


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[info]ex_bastard124
2009-02-26 08:54 am UTC (link)
It seems I'm going to pile advice on you today, I apologise for the presumption, feel free to ignore me :)

I disagree with the suggestion presented in italics. by so engaging, you keep someone who is now a part of your past relevant in the present. you should be allowing such a connection to dissolve rather than feeding and mutating it.

Vent if you feel so inclined, of course. it's a very effective way of getting the wee guys running around in your head out of your head and running around somewhere else. god bless the internet.

But the italicised suggestion just seems childish to me. when you miss someone who's died, you don't make a list of things that annoyed you about them. you don't deliberately work on your memory of them, demonising or ridiculing them until it doesn't matter that they're gone.

closure means accepting the good and the bad elements of the experience and recognising that both are in the past. the positive experience brought you pleasure and the negative experience will bring you wisdom if you use it honestly.

(waxing increasingly philosophical;) experienced events we consider to be important or significant are so flagged by our minds, and whether pleasant or unpleasant, the memory of the experience will recurr with clarity and frequency relative to the severity of the experience. The part of the mind that recalls memories on this basis does so based on how much significance we attach to the experience/memory, and not its utility or relevance to what we're doing now. Most of the memories it throws up are just noise and we dismiss them, but if we attach new significance when the unpleasant memory arises; perhaps reliving part of the experience in cultivated thought or emotion, then the mind will again flag the memory as important, and it will continue to arise. When the memory is simply allowed to arise and fall away, as the background thoughts and perceptions in your head do constantly, your memory will quickly realise that this experience is no longer immediately significant, and it can go back to reminding you about useful things like buying milk and paying the gas bill. that's a point actually, i need to pay my gas bill.

it's the final paragraph! and the most important one. closure, for want of a better word, is a passive process. it's not a goal that you strive for, it's something you simply allow to happen. this is why people say that time heals all wounds; time hasn't done a thing, and neither have you, that's why it worked. the expression "to get over it/him/her" is tremendously unhelpful as it describes an obstacle that must be overcome, when in truth you must simply realise that there is no obstacle. when you realise there is no obstacle, you have closure.

i'm not exactly sure how to end this comment, so I'm just going to put a video of george carlin on, and sneak out the door. good luck :o)

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[info]shunny
2009-02-26 02:54 pm UTC (link)
Thanks. It does help and I appreciate your comments and wisdom, I'll read anything anyone writes.

Some of the psuedo-psychology I've read has helped and some I can tell are probably nor great ideas.

You're probably mostly right about the ideas list. Especially since it's natural when thinking of bad things, to think of the good things too. That doesn't help.

The one thing that I've read that I have a problem, given I'm at college, is that a lot of things say "don't talk to your ex". There's a whole article whose main premise is don't talk to your ex for a week.

Unfortunately, I am going to end up seeing her and talking to her and seeing friends and yadda yadda, so I'm not sure how to manage that.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]evenasiwander
2009-02-26 01:32 pm UTC (link)
Haaa I totally broke up with a kind in high school on Christmas Eve.

... I gave him his present first though?

And the bit about idealizing your ex? Actually good advice, or else you wind up like me and have sex with your ex. A lot. :/

I'm going to be in Attleboro all weekend starting in five hours. Call me and I can hook you up with that hug I owe you! 2264036 I surmise you know the area code hmm?

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[info]shunny
2009-02-26 02:44 pm UTC (link)
I'm still in Amherst at the moment although I did give some though about coming home this weekend to talk to my parents.

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[info]shunny
2009-02-26 02:55 pm UTC (link)
Oh yeah... and I'll definitely give you a call, maybe I'll even be drunk Friday. That will be fun.

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