plus c'est la même chose, plus ça change

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:21:52 GMT

http://approachanxiety.com/?p=289#more-289

"Breaking up is one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety. People with social anxiety have a huge fear of conflict. And there isn’t any more conflict than if you break up with someone.

The complete and total emotional separation. The transition from affiliative partnering to complete estrangement. Going from I’m-on-your-side camaraderie to complete antagonism. It’s one of the most difficult things to do."

"When it comes to anxiety, there is probably no place that guys feel it in such a deep emotional way than when he needs to break up with a girl.

You want to be the nice guy. That’s been your main operative since you were a child. You care about her feelings. A lot.

You’ll do anything to avoid being the bad guy. You are afraid to stir up conflict and incur her wrath."

Wow.

That article is just gold. Wish I had been able to read it before I broke up with Saskia.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:08:39 GMT

Yup, still a terrible person.

These two months have basically been a waste of time.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:20:37 GMT

ahhhhh fuck my life. what was i thinking. so many good times.

Remember when...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:39:49 GMT

Remember when I got into Amherst College?

That got me thinking about a whole lot of things.

Remember when I applied to Amherst?
Remember when I had never kissed anyone?
Remember when I kissed someone?
Remember when I thought life was simple?
Remember when I thought life was hard?
Remember when I discovered what love was?
Remember when I discovered what it was like to lose it?
Remember when I met people who accepted me for who I was?
Remember when I too scared to go to swing lessons?
Remember all the times I've taught people how to dance swing afterwards?
Remember when after two years I still couldn't dance?
Remember when I got over it and just tried to dance?

Life is great, you just have to go live it.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:11:58 GMT

I just spent way too much time reminiscing about life. Looked back at my blog posts from my first two months at Amherst. I really do miss blogging often. it's great to look back at a snapshot of your life.

And hence, looking back at a snapshot of me getting to know Saskia.

I also just spent some time looking back at old emails. Oh the emails lovers send to each other.

Fuck me.

I'll never forget her. Wish I didn't have to.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:04:58 GMT

What a terrible two months.

I break up with my girlfriend. Wish I didn't.

I meet girl who I can't pull the trigger on. Wish I could.

I have senioritis like crazy. It's my last semester. Oh yeah, and I may be taking comps I haven't studied for this week! Wish I wasn't.

My best friend may be taking the rest of the semester off.

And I'm still single.

<sarcasm> Life is great! </sarcasm>

and anna begins to live again

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:50:36 GMT

I broke up with Saskia about a month ago.

We had a fun weekend when she visited from Boston, and then on that Thursday she called me drunk and it was an annoying, unproductive hour that I did not want to be on the phone. I said something really shitty to her on IM the next day, and we didn't talk for a while until she called me up, wondering why we hadn't talked.

After Thurs/Friday I did not really want to talk to her. So I didn't. And we had 2 or 3 phone conversations over the next few weeks that were unproductive. In one of them I broached that I was thinking of breaking up with her, because "if you're going to get drunk and call me and do something I don't like and it makes me unhappy, I'm going to think about breaking up with you".

My other reason is internal. Sometimes when I was with her I thought that everything was perfect, and I wanted to be with her forever. And then there were other times where my brain said that I didn't want to be with her.

I've talked with some people, well, a lot of people about this, and some mentioned how it was normal. Other people mentioned that sometimes its just not meant to be. Psychologically, my mind is not perfect. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression, and still have periods of bad thoughts.

After a month, I know I at least probably bailed out on things a little too soon. Maybe things were going sour but I just gave up. You need to know that you need to break up with someone before you ruin a strong relationship. We had a much stronger relationship than some people I know, yet I still ended it.

I also have terrible timing, since I was hoping to stay at Amherst a whole entire year. But my petition to stay another semester so I could take more courses was rejected. I could stay around in the area and work (and might), but it does kind of make it harder to meet people at Amherst, knowing that I won't be here next semester. I'm free now, in a way, so I'm really considering traveling for the next semester, probably to some place in Europe. Finances are a slight issue, but I need to get out there.

Life is good, send job

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 06:40:21 GMT

I was trying to write a quick post on my netbook before going to bed. I failed before even getting to the livejournal page. Oh well.

I'm getting rid of/selling my car, well, at some point. My registration and insurance runs out at the end of the month, and it all around comes at a good time. My car is relatively crap. It runs well, but it still has issues that need to be fixed in order to pass inspection. And as two cops have found out in the past two months, those issues haven't been fixed for two years.

Basically, I think I'm done with cars. Oil prices will go back up; peak oil is an issue and while I'm uncertain about what will happen in the next few years--I know that gasoline prices will continue to be a problem. If I'm here at Amherst for one full year, I really do not need a car. I can get a Uhaul to move back into Amherst after my research internship at UMass is done, and then I wouldn't need to figure out what to do until next May. That will save me at least my $1000 insurance, not including the car problems, gas, etc. Money wise it's a no-brainer. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake (like it was to throw out my rusty, old mountain bike after I realize bikes are expensive), but its something I need to do.

Things are swell. Research is okay, but I'm not all gung-ho about computer science graduate school. Part of it is that I'm not a huge fan of the project I'm currently working on--I'd say power-saving computer architectures would be my ideal research field. Wireless networks are cool, but this project I'm looking at the data on just isn't mind-blowing enough for me. Note taken: proving obvious hypotheses are not my bag of tea. I definitely need to take some time off and work somewhere at something before making future decisions (and while paying attention to which way the world is falling apart at that time). But it would be cool to go to Montreal for graduate school.

Ahhh... living it up in the slow and steady lane.

Twitterific!

Wed, 06 May 2009 19:09:24 GMT

I got a twitter, also, in case you were curious.

http://twitter.com/shunny14

Primarily because Howie Day has a personal twitter account, and I just couldn't resist after that. Now if only Matt Nathanson came out with an official twitter I'd be in idol-worshiping heaven.

I always did like Facebook's little status thingie, so I suppose I'm not that against micro-blogging.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 02:48:03 GMT

In case you were curious, we're back together.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 06:08:57 GMT

I guess I can survive being single.

But it still hurts to be right now.

the best posts start when drunk

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 07:29:57 GMT

What do I want?

A while ago, I just wanted a relationship and I wanted someone who cares. I got that and now I lost that.

Now that that's gone, I'm lost because I don't get it.

Look, I like to think inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me. I like to understand everything that is going on. And I imagine what will happen in conversation between X and Y.

I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it.

I guess something just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's her. Whatever.

But if it's wasn't at least slightly me, I'd have every girl at this school knocking on my door right now and I'd also not be single. There's always room for slight improvements. Or large.

Well, let's start it with that.

I have to cox (well, most likely) Saskia tomorrow. Should be fun. She walked into the computer center yesterday and I basically--(hey look, my next best friend the em dash) to give the best description of my feelings--had a panic attack. I ignored her and couldn't do my work and then she came to tell me that she left money for the pogies I'm giving her and a t-shirt of mine she found. Yup, as you can imagine, I felt spiffy.

I'm not sure what my problem is. I guess I'm not used to burning a bridge I don't actually want to burn, and can't.

I just don't know how to be friends with her.

I know how to push every button on her body but I don't know how to be her friend.

And now... I don't know how to push any bodies' buttons and I don't know how to be anyone's friend. Great. Perfect. Exactly what single Ryan doesn't need.

Let's end it with that. Things will get better soon, but I don't know how and I don't know with whom.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:35:14 GMT

Well, I'm not over Saskia, but this girl I was dancing with at Swing was pretty cute.

So, no Ryan, the world is not over.

You just have to put on your dancing shoes.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:04:33 GMT

I got mentioned in the shirt.woot.com/Forums/ViewPost.aspx. (see bottom of post.) Sweet!

I also bought a Women's Large because they were out of small/medium/ and large random shirts yesterday.

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:51:02 GMT

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html

I'm just going to turn this blog into the "Ryan Broke Up With His First Girlfriend And Needs To Vent A Ton Blog".

"Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around." - http://www.enotalone.com/article/2528.html

I currently have a list of : "If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better."

But, it's probably a little overkill for even a friends-only post because half of it is about sex. Oh wait, I just thought about another one....about sex.

cause i'm no longer what you require

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:51:50 GMT

I would post the lyrics.

But, the song isn't even out yet.

And it just doesn't do it justice.

This is how I feel right now.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:07:59 GMT

I told at least 5 people in the span of 2 hours that me and Saskia broke up. It makes me feel a little better now, being open about it.

But I still don't know what to do.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:35:09 GMT

I'm so lost.

Crew, Saskia, whatever.

I might as well just start flipping coins at this point and let fate despite.

Poor free will.

I hardy knew ye.

nothing to see here, move along (move along.... move along...)

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:22:25 GMT

I am no longer listed as "In A Relationship" on Facebook.

One more bananafish down...

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:37:38 GMT

"I used to worry about that. I don't worry about it very much any more. At least I'm still in love with Yorick's skull. At least I always have time enough to stay in love with Yorick's skull. I want an honorable goddam skull when I'm dead, buddy. I hanker after an honorable goddam skull like Yorick's. And so do you, Franny Glass. So do you, so do you. . . . Ah, God, what's the use of talking? You had the exact same goddam freakish upbringing I did, and if you don't know by this time what kind of skull you want when you're dead, and what you have to do to earn it—I mean if you don't at least know by this time that if you're an actress you're supposed to act, then what's the use of talking?" - Zooey, in Zooey (Salinger)

Maybe I'm a helper. And I'm supposed to help.

Thanks Zooey.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 11:55:59 GMT

It's really good to be back.

So goood.

But I really need to get to bed.

the semester in review

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:29:14 GMT

I'll start off with the conclusion -- this semester did not go as well as I had hoped.

It started off strong, and it seemed like it would go quite smoothly, but it slowly ventured downhill and finally imploded sometime after Thanksgiving break.

It actually felt quite long. I still can't really believe that over 4 months ago I was still working and doing stuff for orientation on campus, and then a few days later it would be schoolwork and crew.

At the start of the semester, all my classes were great. Econ was not only interesting but rather easy since I had already had a little bit of Econ knowledge from my Macro class at BCC. Geo looked to be rather easy and a breeze, and also quite fun and easy. Both my computer science classes seemed interesting and not too hard.

By the end, I hated Geo, getting up early in the morning, and the grueling and annoying group assignment I did most of the work on. The class was also not what I had expected, the tests felt cheesy (and I got a D on the first one), and energy resources were talked about but he did not talk about energy resource depletion at all. At the end of the class the professor even claimed that "fossil fuels are not going away". I mostly disagree. I learned a little about global warming but I would not have taken that class over again.

I realized I hated Geo about a month into the class, but everything else was mostly going okay until Thanksgiving break. I preceded to put off several assignments (CS16 CPU/ISA project, several CS23 labs, and studying for Econ final) that screwed me over. The CS23 labs I should have finished weeks before, and that caused me to have to manage about 3 things at the same time during reading period and finals week, while I had the exams for all 3 classes.

Hence, I got the CS assignments mostly done (the CS16 project was great, CS23 labs could have been better), but put off studying the Econ exam and got screwed over in that. Then the CS exams were both pretty brutal, the CS23 one being worse because that was the only test/exam in the class.

So, in summary things went bad but they were good.

I started off the first two CS23 labs strongly (in that I started them early/ier), but then the CS16 exam was tough (it was scaled and I still got a B-) and the material in both classes got tougher.

Econ really was going great, A's on both midterms and I felt the class was pretty easy and then the final came which was a disaster. I got surprised by the format and I didn't study appropriately. Usually I can guess the format of exams but in that one I just forgot to -- I should of studied the book for the old material and my notes for the new material. And then I just didn't study hard enough.

I realized after the Econ exam that I really need to re-evaluate how I consider success. I said for a while that to me, grades don't matter. They do, to high-profile jobs and internships and yadda yadda. But I'm most likely not looking at that (it'd be nice...). But it does matter how much work and effort I put in to my classes and work.

For the Econ exam, I simply didn't put in enough work and studying (this is true for the CS exams as well). If you study really hard, and a test is tough and you do bad, whatever, the test was tough and you did your best. But if you don't study hard, and a test wasn't very hard and you did good because of that, that shouldn't be cause for celebration.

I did a good job early in Econ, I did all the problem sets eventually (could of studied harder for the quizzes) - but then I ignored the practice final exam, and the last problem sets, which I should have focused more on.

I'm upset at myself at the end of this semester not because I got bad grades, but because I simply didn't work hard enough. I've had 3 semesters here and I've done this each and every semester. I know how much more work I have to do to qualify to myself to work hard enough, and it's definitely do-able, but I still haven't applied that amount of work. I was close this semester, but I expect next semester to be better.

I've still only got one grade back, a B in Geo, which is definitely much better than it could of been. I'm hoping all my grades stay in the B range (I am a little upset I threw away my A/A+ in Econ), but the CS exams were badd, they could be worse. Edit (I got an A in CS16 (surprising), a B+ in CS23, a B+ in Econ, and I think a B or B- in Geo... could of been all A's though)

Hey! A public post!

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:19:23 GMT

I don't think peak oil literature contains the word bailout anywhere.

I don't really understand everything that is happening to the economy right now. (And I admit, it's not all because of oil. I'm taking Econ 11 and I can see that the housing crisis isn't entirely because of oil prices...but it's made it much worse.)

But I think while writers have talked about an upcoming crash, the party being over, etc., they didn't anticipate that government would try to throw everything including the kitchen sink to prevent it.

If you take away all these bailouts, I guess you'd be seeing a really quick collapse.

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 06:03:31 GMT

Maybe I spoke too soon.

Epilogue

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:44:37 GMT

djjohnnymac was right. I probably could of waited until I was sober to make that last post.

Everything is okay after a bit of discussion, and everything is happy.

Now if only investment banks would stop folding and credit would stop tightening some I could get a loan and actually be able to pay for school.