plus c'est la même chose, plus ça change

[enter creepy roomate TV show name here]

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 18:13:42 GMT

So I put this ad up on craigslist looking for a room in the Amherst area.

I've gotten multiple (at least 3) responses from a female or a group of females willing to take me in as a male roommate. The latest one sounded really cool, suggesting that I "chill" with them to see if I was a good fit.

Now I thought men and women weren't really meant to live together if they weren't actively cohabitating and *cough* fucking *cough*. I think it's really cool that's not the case, but I'm confused.

Is my ad a chick-magnet or something? Easygoing, tidy, love, etc. Did I just use all the right words? Or are there a lot of people who need roommates in the Amherst area? I've gotten at least 10 responses from this one ad and haven't even e-mailed half of them back because I sort of put my search on hold.

Unless they're all spam (which seems highly unlikely because they are nothing like normal CL spam).

In other news, I'm off to New York City for New Year's. Woo!

"home"

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 10:00:56 GMT

Here I am, back "home".

I'm essentially, officially graduated college although there's a hold on my account so I can't see my grades--even if I wanted to.

I got a big ass U-Haul truck and finally got all my stuff in it at 8am after spending all night packing away, and then getting back home. Twas a fun, a little sad experience. I almost cried on an on-ramp. Almost.

Now I'm back home with all my stuff. I have to admit that being back home for Thanksgiving was a terrible experience. The only positive thing was seeing my professor from BCC at her house and having a really great chat with her about life. Other than that I would of felt better spending that whole week at Amherst, in my room. My grades might have been better off.

But now that I'm back home with all my stuff, I feel a little tinsy bit better. I'm in the basement, which is filled with crap, the large portion of which is not mine. I've done some quick redecorating so at least I have a place to sleep. Still, this is not home. Home was my dorm room at college for me. I still don't really want to be here. And my family are not my friends.

Whatever, I'm going to relax here for a few weeks, maybe study up on life and basically get things organized. Life would be a little better if I had kept my car, as it is almost impossible to do anything around here without a car, and my parents are being the biggest whiny pieces of shit (and yes, Mom, if you read that, that is what you are being and I don't care if you see that, this is why I'm moving far away soon) about not being able to drive their cars. I have a friend at college who's car I've borrowed more times than I can count right now... and she was always cool about it. Unconditional trust vs. very conditional love... which one would you take?

Well, I had a great end to college. Went out with a really big blast with some of my best friends at Amherst. Grades... eh grades don't matter like I always say. I don't need to work on Wall Street, I had a good enough time at Amherst as it is. Now time to find out what is on the other side of my life.

The future, Ryan

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:02:03 GMT

As a way of keeping me positive, I wanted to create a list of life goals. My 8th grade English teacher first inspired me to do this, but I never kept it going.

Things I want to do in my life:

- Learn to ice skate
-- And hence, play hockey
- See the Eiffel Tower
- Go to Australia
--- Formula 1 race in Montreal!!!
- Act again

- Play WSOP? Not that interested, but it's an option.

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 03:58:47 GMT

Is there anything going right in my life right now?

42

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:08:06 GMT

Focus on what you want

The key is focusing on what you want

While someone else is focusing on what they want.

Once you find someone that you want to be with

And that someone else also wants to be with you

Then you have love.

So if everyone goes after whatever or whomever they want, then things will work out for both parties.

If you happen to run into someone who doesn't want you... Doh!

Then, find someone else that you want.

Recurse until dead.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 08:56:49 GMT

And now I just cried.

Thank you givesmehope for giving me the idea.

And thank you best friend for being there.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 00:20:02 GMT

From : http://www.givesmehope.com/view/Inspiring%20feats/568

"I'm 22 years old and I'm about to go on my first date. I've never felt so beautiful. GMH."

You know...

I haven't really cried in a long time. In about three months. I still haven't, but this website has made me feel tears again.

Thanks Adam.

Back to the beginning

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:28:04 GMT

It just occurred to me that this song is my life right now.

Enjoy.

Matt Wertz - Counting to 100

Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone (hmm.. guess not entirely)
Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Please show your face
Because I want you to be it...yeah
I want you to be it

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:56:13 GMT

It's so hard to rebuild your *self* when you lose such a large part of it.

I went 22 years of my life not really feeling close to anyone at all. There's so many different reasons why: from being a computer junkie, isolating myself most of HS, being anxious around people, trying to be careful what I say to people so as not to offend people, etc. And for various reasons, people who have been close to me were never really that close to me.

Then I got as close as you can possibly imagine getting with someone. That's pretty normal for relationships, I think. You meet someone. You draw them in as a friend. Then you draw them in as a lover, and in you go.

So put those two things together. I was alone, sheltered, and not connected to anyone for all of my life. Then all of a sudden, BAM. I got as close as I could possibly get to someone. I made a deep connection with someone. I finally felt close to someone. Not only was she my best friend, but someone to hold on to as well. I felt together. And safe.

Now imagine that connection with that person gone. Immediately.

It's not what you think actually, at least in my life experience.

There's a buzz, a good feeling left over from the connection. It lingers, and feels good (and I imagine, if you make another connection right away, life just goes on). But then you start to regress and fall back into that state you were once in. Yes, I know people here. But now I'm questioning the people I am close to and trying to figure out how to be close to anyone at all. And the person I feel closest to is many miles away...

Oy.

I can barely function without that connection now.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:26:05 GMT

Just saw this on some thesixtyone's band page...

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ..."

This is actually close to Saskia's old Marilyn Monroe quote that she'd always put on her away message. But different.

You know, it kind of works for me too.

And I hadn't really ever thought about it that way before.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:30:14 GMT

Wow. I haven't posted this much on livejournal SINCE high school.

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:26:27 GMT

Also, there are definitely a lot of cute, attractive women in the real world.

I think I was getting looked at an awful lot today. I realized it might be my Amherst sweatshirt. That's good i think? I think there's just a lot of college students travelling today for the holidays.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:59:09 GMT

Being on a bus brings back bad (as in good) memories. It's strange I didn't feel this way on the bus to New York. Maybe things would be different then.

I really just want to sleep, given that I haven't, and there's no one here to sleep with. Bus cuddle buddies are a good thing.

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:41:06 GMT

What do you do with the memories of past lovers when they are no longer your lover?

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 09:22:53 GMT

I needed that. A lot.

I like how pictures can take you back. Words as well.

Something needs to be said. And I need to be a man.

A superior man.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:24:58 GMT

I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.

The hardest part

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:18:26 GMT

The worst part about everything about the last 3 months is that...

If I'd have only said things a tiny amount differently...

If I'd only have said "I want to take a break" instead of "I want to be with other people".

If I'd only have thought about her actual feelings and apologized.

Then I wouldn't have any of these problems right now.

It was those few tiny mistakes in that small period of time that has caused all of 3 months of problems.

I'll eventually find myself in a better state and get over it. It may take a very intelligent, attractive, and loving woman for me to get over it, but I'll get over it. But damnit, that was a small amount of mistakes for a long period of pain.

Hmm, this is sort of true...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:22:51 GMT

“You treat every woman the way you treat your mother. That doesn’t give women any sense of you WANTING them sexually, and that’s ultimately the difference between friendship and closer relationships: sexual attraction. You have to make them feel wanted in every way, including sexually. She taught you to think that way, because she wants a nice well-mannered son.”

Seeing how as I try my best to talk to my mom as little as possible, it could explain my good job of giving people the cold shoulder for a long time.

http://approachanxiety.com/?p=291#comment-34400

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:59:38 GMT

I like it when people (women) respond to my e-mails.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:21:52 GMT

http://approachanxiety.com/?p=289#more-289

"Breaking up is one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety. People with social anxiety have a huge fear of conflict. And there isn’t any more conflict than if you break up with someone.

The complete and total emotional separation. The transition from affiliative partnering to complete estrangement. Going from I’m-on-your-side camaraderie to complete antagonism. It’s one of the most difficult things to do."

"When it comes to anxiety, there is probably no place that guys feel it in such a deep emotional way than when he needs to break up with a girl.

You want to be the nice guy. That’s been your main operative since you were a child. You care about her feelings. A lot.

You’ll do anything to avoid being the bad guy. You are afraid to stir up conflict and incur her wrath."

Wow.

That article is just gold. Wish I had been able to read it before I broke up with Saskia.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:08:39 GMT

Yup, still a terrible person.

These two months have basically been a waste of time.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:20:37 GMT

ahhhhh fuck my life. what was i thinking. so many good times.

Remember when...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:39:49 GMT

Remember when I got into Amherst College?

That got me thinking about a whole lot of things.

Remember when I applied to Amherst?
Remember when I had never kissed anyone?
Remember when I kissed someone?
Remember when I thought life was simple?
Remember when I thought life was hard?
Remember when I discovered what love was?
Remember when I discovered what it was like to lose it?
Remember when I met people who accepted me for who I was?
Remember when I too scared to go to swing lessons?
Remember all the times I've taught people how to dance swing afterwards?
Remember when after two years I still couldn't dance?
Remember when I got over it and just tried to dance?

Life is great, you just have to go live it.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:11:58 GMT

I just spent way too much time reminiscing about life. Looked back at my blog posts from my first two months at Amherst. I really do miss blogging often. it's great to look back at a snapshot of your life.

And hence, looking back at a snapshot of me getting to know Saskia.

I also just spent some time looking back at old emails. Oh the emails lovers send to each other.

Fuck me.

I'll never forget her. Wish I didn't have to.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:04:58 GMT

What a terrible two months.

I break up with my girlfriend. Wish I didn't.

I meet girl who I can't pull the trigger on. Wish I could.

I have senioritis like crazy. It's my last semester. Oh yeah, and I may be taking comps I haven't studied for this week! Wish I wasn't.

My best friend may be taking the rest of the semester off.

And I'm still single.

<sarcasm> Life is great! </sarcasm>