Here I am, back "home".

I'm essentially, officially graduated college although there's a hold on my account so I can't see my grades--even if I wanted to.

I got a big ass U-Haul truck and finally got all my stuff in it at 8am after spending all night packing away, and then getting back home. Twas a fun, a little sad experience. I almost cried on an on-ramp. Almost.

Now I'm back home with all my stuff. I have to admit that being back home for Thanksgiving was a terrible experience. The only positive thing was seeing my professor from BCC at her house and having a really great chat with her about life. Other than that I would of felt better spending that whole week at Amherst, in my room. My grades might have been better off.

But now that I'm back home with all my stuff, I feel a little tinsy bit better. I'm in the basement, which is filled with crap, the large portion of which is not mine. I've done some quick redecorating so at least I have a place to sleep. Still, this is not home. Home was my dorm room at college for me. I still don't really want to be here. And my family are not my friends.

Whatever, I'm going to relax here for a few weeks, maybe study up on life and basically get things organized. Life would be a little better if I had kept my car, as it is almost impossible to do anything around here without a car, and my parents are being the biggest whiny pieces of shit (and yes, Mom, if you read that, that is what you are being and I don't care if you see that, this is why I'm moving far away soon) about not being able to drive their cars. I have a friend at college who's car I've borrowed more times than I can count right now... and she was always cool about it. Unconditional trust vs. very conditional love... which one would you take?

Well, I had a great end to college. Went out with a really big blast with some of my best friends at Amherst. Grades... eh grades don't matter like I always say. I don't need to work on Wall Street, I had a good enough time at Amherst as it is. Now time to find out what is on the other side of my life.

Tags: amherst, college, life, the future
Current Music: Kid Cudi

I broke up with Saskia about a month ago.

We had a fun weekend when she visited from Boston, and then on that Thursday she called me drunk and it was an annoying, unproductive hour that I did not want to be on the phone. I said something really shitty to her on IM the next day, and we didn't talk for a while until she called me up, wondering why we hadn't talked.

After Thurs/Friday I did not really want to talk to her. So I didn't. And we had 2 or 3 phone conversations over the next few weeks that were unproductive. In one of them I broached that I was thinking of breaking up with her, because "if you're going to get drunk and call me and do something I don't like and it makes me unhappy, I'm going to think about breaking up with you".

My other reason is internal. Sometimes when I was with her I thought that everything was perfect, and I wanted to be with her forever. And then there were other times where my brain said that I didn't want to be with her.

I've talked with some people, well, a lot of people about this, and some mentioned how it was normal. Other people mentioned that sometimes its just not meant to be. Psychologically, my mind is not perfect. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression, and still have periods of bad thoughts.

After a month, I know I at least probably bailed out on things a little too soon. Maybe things were going sour but I just gave up. You need to know that you need to break up with someone before you ruin a strong relationship. We had a much stronger relationship than some people I know, yet I still ended it.

I also have terrible timing, since I was hoping to stay at Amherst a whole entire year. But my petition to stay another semester so I could take more courses was rejected. I could stay around in the area and work (and might), but it does kind of make it harder to meet people at Amherst, knowing that I won't be here next semester. I'm free now, in a way, so I'm really considering traveling for the next semester, probably to some place in Europe. Finances are a slight issue, but I need to get out there.

Tags: amherst, love, s
Current Location: computer center

I was trying to write a quick post on my netbook before going to bed. I failed before even getting to the livejournal page. Oh well.

I'm getting rid of/selling my car, well, at some point. My registration and insurance runs out at the end of the month, and it all around comes at a good time. My car is relatively crap. It runs well, but it still has issues that need to be fixed in order to pass inspection. And as two cops have found out in the past two months, those issues haven't been fixed for two years.

Basically, I think I'm done with cars. Oil prices will go back up; peak oil is an issue and while I'm uncertain about what will happen in the next few years--I know that gasoline prices will continue to be a problem. If I'm here at Amherst for one full year, I really do not need a car. I can get a Uhaul to move back into Amherst after my research internship at UMass is done, and then I wouldn't need to figure out what to do until next May. That will save me at least my $1000 insurance, not including the car problems, gas, etc. Money wise it's a no-brainer. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake  (like it was to throw out my rusty, old mountain bike after I realize bikes are expensive), but its something I need to do.

Things are swell. Research is okay, but I'm not all gung-ho about computer science graduate school. Part of it is that I'm not a huge fan of the project I'm currently working on--I'd say power-saving computer architectures would be my ideal research field. Wireless networks are cool, but this project I'm looking at the data on just isn't mind-blowing enough for me. Note taken: proving obvious hypotheses are not my bag of tea. I definitely need to take some time off and work somewhere at something before making future decisions (and while paying attention to which way the world is falling apart at that time). But it would be cool to go to Montreal for graduate school.

Ahhh... living it up in the slow and steady lane.

Tags: amherst, career, future, graduate school, job, life
Current Location: UMass, North 205A, in bed
Current Mood: swell
Current Music: hummmm of netbook fan

I'll start off with the conclusion -- this semester did not go as well as I had hoped.

It started off strong, and it seemed like it would go quite smoothly, but it slowly ventured downhill and finally imploded sometime after Thanksgiving break.

It actually felt quite long. I still can't really believe that over 4 months ago I was still working and doing stuff for orientation on campus, and then a few days later it would be schoolwork and crew.

At the start of the semester, all my classes were great. Econ was not only interesting but rather easy since I had already had a little bit of Econ knowledge from my Macro class at BCC. Geo looked to be rather easy and a breeze, and also quite fun and easy. Both my computer science classes seemed interesting and not too hard.

By the end, I hated Geo, getting up early in the morning, and the grueling and annoying group assignment I did most of the work on. The class was also not what I had expected, the tests felt cheesy (and I got a D on the first one), and energy resources were talked about but he did not talk about energy resource depletion at all. At the end of the class the professor even claimed that "fossil fuels are not going away". I mostly disagree. I learned a little about global warming but I would not have taken that class over again.

I realized I hated Geo about a month into the class, but everything else was mostly going okay until Thanksgiving break. I preceded to put off several assignments (CS16 CPU/ISA project, several CS23 labs, and studying for Econ final) that screwed me over. The CS23 labs I should have finished weeks before, and that caused me to have to manage about 3 things at the same time during reading period and finals week, while I had the exams for all 3 classes.

Hence, I got the CS assignments mostly done (the CS16 project was great, CS23 labs could have been better), but put off studying the Econ exam and got screwed over in that. Then the CS exams were both pretty brutal, the CS23 one being worse because that was the only test/exam in the class.

So, in summary things went bad but they were good.

I started off the first two CS23 labs strongly (in that I started them early/ier), but then the CS16 exam was tough (it was scaled and I still got a B-) and the material in both classes got tougher.

Econ really was going great, A's on both midterms and I felt the class was pretty easy and then the final came which was a disaster. I got surprised by the format and I didn't study appropriately. Usually I can guess the format of exams but in that one I just forgot to -- I should of studied the book for the old material and my notes for the new material. And then I just didn't study hard enough.


I realized after the Econ exam that I really need to re-evaluate how I consider success. I said for a while that to me, grades don't matter. They do, to high-profile jobs and internships and yadda yadda. But I'm most likely not looking at that (it'd be nice...). But it does matter how much work and effort I put in to my classes and work.

For the Econ exam, I simply didn't put in enough work and studying (this is true for the CS exams as well). If you study really hard, and a test is tough and you do bad, whatever, the test was tough and you did your best. But if you don't study hard, and a test wasn't very hard and you did good because of that, that shouldn't be cause for celebration.

I did a good job early in Econ, I did all the problem sets eventually (could of studied harder for the quizzes) - but then I ignored the practice final exam, and the last problem sets, which I should have focused more on.

I'm upset at myself at the end of this semester not because I got bad grades, but because I simply didn't work hard enough. I've had 3 semesters here and I've done this each and every semester. I know how much more work I have to do to qualify to myself to work hard enough, and it's definitely do-able, but I still haven't applied that amount of work. I was close this semester, but I expect next semester to be better.


I've still only got one grade back, a B in Geo, which is definitely much better than it could of been. I'm hoping all my grades stay in the B range (I am a little upset I threw away my A/A+ in Econ), but the CS exams were badd, they could be worse. Edit (I got an A in CS16 (surprising), a B+ in CS23, a B+ in Econ, and I think a B or B- in Geo... could of been all A's though)

Tags: amherst, school
Current Location: basement, home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: itunes...argh

I feel miserable.

There's loads of things I need to do, none of which I actually want to do. Especially the stuff that should really get done soon (like now). I could get away with not doing some of it. But I just don't want to do any of it.

But what else is new?

I've spent the past few years fucking everything up.

Last summer, I wasted away my research job with a professor I respect and admire. And she knows I didn't work that hard. Yet I've still kept in touch with her and I still feel bad.

I spent last semester doing not enough work in most of my classes. I could have worked harder. I could have managed my time better. I didn't.

I could have worked harder this semester. I've done about 10% of the reading for one class. I could have done better in my math class. I could have studied for that test, and not got such a bad grade.

I could have actually sent in an application for a few internships. Especially at Upward Bound. It would of been great. But I never finished them, and I never sent them, and I never got them. And now I'm probably spending my summer being an uneducated bum in my parent's basement.

I could actually work hard. I could use whatever knowledge I have and apply it to my studies and do good things. But I'm not.

People work hard here. Really hard. Crazily hard. I have my priorities wrong. I should have quit crew a while ago. I should have admitted when I couldn't handle the workload. I could have got help on it.


There was an event at Hampshire by Richard Heinberg, one of the most well-known writers about peak oil in the U.S., brought here by the aforementioned professor by back home. I heard about it ahead of time and there were numerous avenues I could have told people about it from. I could have posted flyers at all the five colleges. It would of been because of me that my peers would of learned about peak oil, and might have been able to see what will happen in the next few years in a time of resource scarcity.

But I failed. I never e-mailed or told the professors from my political science class who would of probably been interested. I never emailed a few of the groups on campus or friends that might have been interested. I never put up any flyers.

It was well attended. By people not my age. I saw my professor from BCC, and felt mildly embarrassed for how bad I felt, doing nothing.


This is becoming a reoccurring theme. I haven't done my taxes. I haven't done them from last year either. I haven't done my financial aid. I have a 20-page term paper I haven't started, due two weeks from now. I have a few books and articles from one class I'm doing well in, not read. I didn't put up the rest of the posters from the dance club I'm a leader of. I haven't made posters for our end of semester event.

And who knows if I really want to do any of it?

What do I want to do?

I'd like to cuddle up in my bed and fall asleep. Maybe think of my girlfriend in India.

And I'm not really sure I want to do all this work. But I should. I guess.

Tags: amherst, college, stupid me
Current Mood: miserable
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Car Crash

I was planning to write something about what I've been up to, but the words are failing me; or more truthfully, the willingness to put what I'm thinking about into words is failing me.

In summary,

- I could of done better on most of my finals and much of the work I did during the last part of the semester, but I got a C+ in Logic, B+ in Poli Sci, an A in Comp Sci, and will hopefully barely pass my final in Linear Algebra that I got an extension for because I was doing so bad. Not great, but it's Amherst, and I expected to not as good as I was used to at BCC.

 - Christmas wasn't so great. Seeing family members was okay, especially my cousin, but most of the gatherings were pretty bland and I didn't really talk ot a lot of my family on my step-dad's side at our usual party. I just didn't really care if they didn't care. And with the exception of the gifts I did not expect from my professor, everything I got was pretty disappointing. It's not about gifts at all, but give me something I would care about rather than a 100 disc CD holder. How about a book?

- Me and Saskia have parted ways because she left to study abroad in India on the 5th. I went to go see her in Vermont over break and I had a lot of fun with all the snow. Her parents were really nice and smart, I could actually have an intelligent conversation with them which is a change from uhh..my parents. I miss her. There's more to say, but I don't feel like writing about it right now, and I don't want to write something completely muddled when it's not the only I need to mention.

- It's good to be back at school and be with friends. Although I kind of forgot what it was like to sleep in my own room.

Tags: amherst, s
Current Mood: lonely

It's almost December at Amherst, and while in some ways it has gone by really fast, in other ways it has gone by really slow.

Academically, everything has gone by so fast and I can't believe there's only a week and a half of classes left after Friday. It feels like I had only just started the semester. The reason it feels like it's gone by so fast is probably because I haven't worked nearly as hard as I should have. While with the exception of my math class, my grades are shockingly decent even though my work ethic is the same as it always has been. 

My Linear Algebra class is, as my girlfriend would say, a disaster. I guess technically I'm failing right now, with a 64 and a 51 on two tests with 65% of my grade yet to be decided (test and a final, counting the 15% my lowest test will get). One of the primary reasons why I'm doing so bad is that I didn't do homework for over four weeks in a row, realizing every time I got to a problem with proofs that I had no idea what I was doing. For the most part I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I think there's hope for me somewhere. I think I did the math and the highest grade I can get if I ace everything is a B, but I doubt that will happen. I think I have to get at least an 80 to still get a C. It's possible, but I need to work a lot harder than I am now.

Socially, have gone by slowly and that's a good thing. I feel like I've been here and around campus forever. I met lots of friends here and my roommate and I get along really well. I do a few different things on campus: crew, IT job, swing lessons, did MassPIRG for a little while. And I found the thing I've been looking for most of my life. A girlfriend. I wrote an entry two months ago about how much I just wanted to be with someone, lie in their arms for hours, sleep in their bed all day, and fall in love. And I have. And it's great. And she's amazing. And it's exactly what I've been looking for.

Unfortunately, a social life is one of the reasons why my grades have fallen and has caused my work ethic to fall to new lows. It's hard to get things done when you usually work on things late at night and instead spend those nights in your girlfriend's bed (my bed isn't nearly as comfortable).

But, it's been an awesome semester overall, as bad as I guess I'm doing here. In my other classes, I have a solid A more than likely in my Computer Science (java) class, probably a B in Logic, and I got a B+/A- on the first half of my Poli Sci term paper. Which really isn't that bad for my first semester at a real college. I don't know if I want to major in Math anymore, since I'm doing so bad in my current class when all I really want to do is teach it. But other than that, things are great.

I still find it a little bit awkward, going to a school that has a little over 1600 students, when I see all kinds of familiar faces yet barely talk to anyone in my dorm except for the two girls across the hall (of which, are my girlfriend and her friend). I feel like I should get to know everyone here, since literally I'll probably see the face of everyone on campus by the end of my stay. It's that small. But I'm still somewhat shy and don't see that happening. And I still sometimes like eating alone, although I enjoy it more when a random acquaintence comes along and I have a friendly conversation with them. It's tricky but I guess that's half the joy of it.

Tags: amherst, college, girls, life, s
Current Mood: happy

So last month I wrote this in a private entry.

"I really want a girlfriend. I really want to be in love. Is this a bad thing to admit?

And it's not just because of the standard reasons. I really want to be close to someone. Emotionally and physically. Physically meaning bodies pressed against one another, concocted weirdly for periods of time, body parts touching other body parts. Being able to feel someone else like I can feel myself. And none of that is sexual."

I think I may have found what I'm looking for. :)

Tags: amherst, girls, s
Current Mood: as happy as possible

Umm, I think I just got sexed out. Or at least, I unlocked my door expecting there to be noone there, and heard movement in the other room. And now I'm in the computer lab, until I guess I get kicked out of here, and trying to go back to my place. Wheeee...

Also, If I actually had any money left in my poker bankroll, I could 4 table on these huge computer monitors that like every computer has here.

Tags: amherst
Current Mood: sad

I don't have much to say in a public post. Way too much stuff happens here that I don't want to write about in an open blog. In case someone finds that I've written too much. I'll probably write a friends-only post but I feel bad about not writing public posts occasionally.

But I really like this song Then I'll Be Smiling. And I really like it here. I was able to play two of my intramural tennis matches and I won both(6-3, 6-4; 6-1, 6-1). I was better than both of them in the intermediate level, but I think my match tomorrow will be tough.

Crew is crazy hard. And I almost wish I wasn't doing it, but I know I will get better and I know it's worth it. But practices most days from 5-7:30pm are crazy. Takes up a lot of time. We did a race prep on Friday and I did horrible. I got the oar stuck in the water twice and we had to stop and fix it. But it was also very tiresome having to row to the start and row back right away without a break (cause we were slow), and then it was only the second time I rowed the seat I was in and the first time with that group of guys. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done having to keep rowing as a team.

That's a good summary of what's new without any gory fun details. I have my first test in Linear Algebra on Wednesday, and homework due tomorrow that I haven't started and don't really know where to start from. I should get to that now.

As a preview to the gory details : let's just say that Smith girls are interesting. :)

Tags: amherst, college, crew, life, tennis
Current Location: AC Computer Lab
Current Mood: trying to work hard
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Then I'll Be Smiling (http://tinyurl.com/2erjel)

I still can't believe I'm here. I know I deserve to be here, I know what I've gone through, but it's still amazingly surreal that I'm actually here.

If you want updates, I made a few posts but they are friends-only. Make an LJ-account and friend me and I will friend you back if you want to read the gory details. Stuff you're missing - my first time trying to talk to a group of women using pick-up, getting drunk and being ushered around some parties, etc. Good times.

Classes start tomorrow, and I'm really excited to finally be doing something constructive. I've felt bad just partying every night. This place is awesome, I just hope I live up to its awesomeness.

Tags: amherst, life

The other act I saw in Boston when I went to see Matt Nathanson was Jonatha Brooke.

All of a sudden I realized that when I was browsing her Pandora profile it mentioned that she went to Amherst College. That would of been a cool small talk moment. Instead, I told her she was pretty good and she gave me that "Just pretty good, eh?" response.

Ah well.

Tags: amherst, music

I think I actually got approved for a loan so I can pay for Amherst. And without a co-signer.

I got the Amherst bill in the mail today, doesn't include financial aid because technically it isn't done yet (almost). So that spurred me to do a few things, like try to actually apply to one of the many private loan options I've found online. I filled out the one on MyRichUncle, but haven't heard back yet, and then I filled out one at CampusDoor and I was apparently pre-approved/approved in minutes.

Wow.

Now, since I didn't apply with a co-signer, I didn't get that good a rate, but apparently my credit was in fact good enough to get a private loan myself. Awesome. The Loan Fee is 8%, and the Interest Rate is around 10%, so it's expensive but it's what I needed and I'm not going to complain. I might fill out a few more and see if I get better rates, but if this actually worked right, and I'm a little skeptical that it did, I may be all set.

I'm pinching myself, and I'm not dreaming. I see no dreamsigns.

While having a better rate with a cosigner would save me some money, it is not only going to save me the stress of asking, I also don't have to worry about having a co-signer trusting in me and I also get to say that I paid for my college education myself.

Wheeeeeeee.

"Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved."

Tags: amherst, college, money
Current Mood: hopeful

It's just so frustrating.

An equally precocious friend of mine I met at BCC who was planning on applying to Amherst but didn't said to me at Awards Night some weeks ago that even his mom was excited about my acceptance to Amherst. I quipped that she was probably more excited about it then my parents were. I wasn't joking.

Life is generally an uphill battle and there's roadblocks that need to be fought through, but I continue to just hit a roadblock time after time and it's mostly my parents fault.

Yes, it's easy to blame my parents. So easy. But that's not why I do it. It's because they continue to be the roadblock to a promising future time after time.

Besides posting that I got into Amherst, I haven't posted anything about it because there's been a quaint uneasiness about the details behind it.

I never filled out the financial aid applications (FAFSA + PROFILE) back in February when they were supposed to be due. At the time there were quite a few problems. I hadn't done my taxes. My parents hadn't done their taxes. I hadn't been in touch with my father in almost a decade and the schools PROFILE wanted a non-custodial parent form. I was busy with schoolwork and tutoring. I didn't actually think I would get into Amherst.

And then I got in. The whole night I was panicing. I just got into one of the top liberal arts schools in the nation and now I may not be able to go because I didn't fill out any financial aid forms. I called them up the next day and they said I could get everything filled out soon and hand it in and still get the same amount of aid because they're rich and have a huge endowment and pay 100% of need anyway. But it was near finals so schoolwork and tutoring was getting crazy, and I still hadn't filled out my taxes.

And I still haven't finished them. My FAFSA is done but the more complicated PROFILE still contains the uneasiness of contacting my aunt who handles my father's affairs and having her fill out a huge complicated financial form.

But why do I have to do them anyway? Why do I have to pay my parents rent when I could have saved about $6000 by now for college. Why do I have to pay my own car insurance (another $4000)? Why did I have to pay for my first car, and pay off part of my parent's inept financial loaning to get my step-brother's old car on the road after mine died ($600+1000)? How come my mother doesn't have anything saved up for college costs, when my late grandmother on my mother's side wanted both my cousin and I to be able to pay for college? Why did she continue to get in the mail useless college savings plans with $100 in them? Why do I have to fill out financial aid forms most of other parents fill out for their children? Why do my parents not care? Why do they seem to not want me to go to college?

When I finished the FAFSA, the expected family contribution was about $24,000. Even if everything worked right, I would probably still have to find $24,000 out of a third-party loan, and my mom probably still can't even cosign because her credit is so bad. Even if I wasn't going to Amherst, I still probably couldn't go to college. An EFC of $24,000 means that no matter what college I would go to, even if it's little State School at $15k or big university or liberal arts school at $25k or $40k, I would still have to shell out nearly all the costs to go there, unless I got a hold of some serious scholarship money (possible option if everything fails me). Who knows how I'm going to find money to pay for another semester BCC if everything else falls through with Amherst.

My mom innocuously complained about me not having a job today when she left for work. Technically I'm tutoring (they know about that) and have a research work-study position (they may not know about that). This is all for crap pay, $7.50 hour. Technically I could still play poker and make more than that much online propping once I build my bankroll back up for paying for everything I shouldn't have to. And technically even I wanted a good job during the summer, it's not going to pay me enough to meet my goals. It's like my parents want me to leave the house at 7am, come home from work at 9pm and be frustrated and miserable while I then spent all my money on material goods. It's like they don't want me to have a future.

I really want to go. The opportunity is amazing. Everyone other than my parents is excited. It's still possible. But it's frustrating me that I can't pass this parental roadblock. After my mom complained I complained about having to now take up a new car insurance plan on new car, and not being able to afford it, and how I'd like to be able to pay to go to one of the top liberal arts colleges in the nation. And it's like she thinks I'm kidding. It's like my own mom doesn't think I'm worthy.

I know she just doesn't get it. Doesn't get college, doesn't get me, doesn't get why I view work differently.

But it's just so frustrating.

Tags: amherst, college, future, life, money, parents, stupid me, thoughts
Current Mood: see above
Current Music: none - I'm reflecting