I miss writing in here.

Wherever I am next fall I want to try to write more LJ posts, because there were times this semester where I could have used some reassurance and some time to sit down and think. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on myself and write less about other people that way I don't end up alienating every new person I meet when I go to Amherst.


As expected, the last few weeks were pretty hectic and as expected, a lot of the trouble I experienced could have been avoided. There was the quote honors project unquote for English 12 that I was supposed to be working on the entire semester with my professor. It consisted of reading Their Eyes Were Watching God and writing a paper comparing the bildungsroman genre that is emphasized in Miguel Street and Tom Sawyer which we also read. I ended up not writing two of the papers I should of in that class, one on Tom Sawyer and one on some reading on nature and a separate writing assignment, and instead of doing that I wrote the honors paper to make up for fucking stuff up the last month or so.

I told my professor I'd work on stuff about two weekends ago, the weekend in between my finals, and I didn't have anything done (I didn't even have the book finished). I told him at the final I try to get it to him and be at school around Thursday, I didn't even have anything written then. I sent him an e-mail telling him I'd have it done by Friday night, and I had about 4 pages written but I wanted to try to get about 7 or 8 done to make up for everything else I didn't write. I sent him the final copy Sunday night. That's a whole week of procrastination over a fairly important assignment, especially when my final was Wednesday and the grades are supposed to be due 72 hours after the final.

Now, I must admit in my entire "academic career", it's really only been the last few months that I've begun to consider myself a good writer. I've felt like a shitty writer ever since Mrs Sutton gave me a crappy grade on something I actually felt was good, ever since then I've felt like what I wrote was shit. And maybe it was. But all through the BCC I've been getting A's on everything I felt was shit. My two General Psychology research papers I absolutely felt were horrible and nearly didn't finish writing, I got both A's (maybe even A+'s). My Sociology 11 midterm I nearly didn't finish and I was willing to bet some serious money on failing, my essays for my History professor who felt I was a good writer, and my English 11 essays. All of these assignments I got basically A's on even though I felt what I wrote was horrible. Same thing with the two papers I did write for my English 12 professor, I thought they sucked, I got them back with lots of scribbles and an A at the end.

So for my Honors Sociology Oil Depletion course, we had to work together on a final group paper describing our "service-learning project", and I started to realize that compared some other people's writing, that yes my writing is actually good. I was in charge of basically taking everyone's writing and putting it together in an outline someone else came up with, so I did some editing and in some instances I had to do a lot, like making complex sentences where only basic sentences existence. In other instances I had to make the connotation and the diction a little more positive. And in most of the other cases the writing was really good, I was just being picky about punctuation and format. But I basically realized that the way I write, it sounds good, it looks good, maybe it actually is good.

So I actually felt that this Honors paper was actually fairly good. It was a little disjointed, because I was supposed to talk about the bildungsroman theme and I got off track and talked about the way gender plays a role in all three books from the bildungsroman perspective, basically taking Hurston's first two paragraphs and looking back at the male-dominated books to see if it's true. I thought it was a good comparison, just not going straight down the bildungsroman theme.

Now, I get a rather caustic e-mail back from my professor on Monday morning, critiquing the paper, saying he was disappointed in it although glad I finished it.

I'm going to quote the e-mail here although I'm afraid of getting in a bit of trouble over it, and I still want to keep this a public entry :

( E-mail )

I felt like my paper was good, and then all of a sudden it sucked. The writing was maybe more uninteresting than other papers I've written, but I tried to be more formal and tried to keep some parallel form between my contrasting of books. I made it long because I could and I felt an "honors paper" shouldn't be just 5 pages in length. I didn't think the court scene was that amazing even he thought it was one of the greatest literary scenes.
I'd read the book before in high school and while the plot of the book I could remember, I couldn't remember the court scene.

Why don't I like it? First, the court scene is hardly necessary, it's clear Tea Cup's death was an accident/Janie's self defense, and second because of that it is clear she is going to be found not guilty. If she had been found guilty, then that court scene would of meant something because it would have left Janie all of a sudden karmicly betrayed by Tea Cup's loving relationship and unfortunate death. NOW, To Kill a Mockinbird's court precedings might be some of the most powerful in literature, I can give you that. And for possibly the same reason Janie's trial is even slightly powerful due to the issues of race. But that trial scene in Their Eyes, you could remove it completely from the next to last chapter and it would not affect the book at all. In fact, I would say it would be better off not in the book because there are some continuity issues. Are all the people at the back of the courtroom against Janie too stupid to realize Tea Cup went crazy and tried to kill Janie? That part doesn't really make sense.

Anyways, Their Eyes rant and English rant over.

I got a B in Physics, really only because one of the things I slacked off on during the semester was turning my Physics labs, and when I asked my professor if I could still turn in some of the ones I hadn't handed in, he set it was too late and I should have turned them in last week. I probably aced the final. Physics was the one course this semester that was a victim to the fact I was doing about 15 hours or more worth of tutoring a week, in classes 17 hours a week, in meetings about two hours a week, and driving back and forth from school 6 hours a week. Unfortunately, it was the one class that I really needed put some extra work into to do well. That and the class that I missed because my car broke was just about everything on a quiz that happened the next week. Oops.

I got an A in everything else, Diff EQs, the Honors class, the Eng12, and my Philosophy class, despite my procrastination. I hope Amherst doesn't get mad I got a B in Physics. I was a little afraid of my Eng12 grade because I think my professor was a tad fed up with my continued tardiness in getting my paper(s) done, and I really hadn't done my fair share of the work in the class.

Sigh. When I don't write a lot in here often, I write a post like this.

So this summer I have a work study position being a research assistant in my Sociology professor's Peak Oil book project, it should be great but I need to start working on it. I have 10 hours a week but there's no set schedule so I'm already behind. I'm also tutoring at least one day a week in Fall River.

I need to turn in the financial aid for Amherst. Apparently they'll still give me money but the later it gets I don't know.

I wanted go to Las Vegas at some point, but my poker bankroll is dwindling. I want to go to Foxwoods soon, possibly this weekend or maybe Friday, and I may try to go to AC at some point too.

I kind of feel like this summer might get a bit boring, but we'll see.

Tags: bcc, college, procrastination, stupid me
Current Music: Willy Porter live

I actually got into Amherst College.

Tags: amherst college, bcc, future, life, school
Current Location: bcc tasc
Current Mood: excited?

I went to a tutoring conference up at UMass Lowell this Saturday. It was cool and well put together, although I think I expected to get more out of it than I did.

One of the presentations I went to was on tutor burn-out. I went to it because I am very very burnt out. One of the suggestions of combating burn out was to do journaling, and since I haven't posted in a while I've been inspired to post. But I don't have too much to say. Or time to say it.

When I first started tutoring I opened up basically all my non-class hours for appointments. I'm taking 16 credits, which includes a 2 hour physics lab, so essentially I have 17 hours of class. There's a mandated maximum of 20 hours per tutor, so I can't pass that, but I'm come quite close to it sometimes. I've been averaging around 15 hours a week I believe. If I end up getting a lot of no shows every in the week, they jam my schedule up later in the week with appointments. Last week I went from having 3 appointments on Thursday to having 7 or 8.

I'm basically overloaded, and I don't really know what I can do about it. I do enjoy tutoring, and get paid for it. I have a lot of tutees who count on me for help and I'd feel bad if I had to give certain ones up.

Unfortunately, it's basically the reason why I have no time for anything right now, and why some of my recent work has suffered. Granted, I got A's on both the writing assignments I did in a last minute furor, but then I got a 70 on my Differential Equations exam, and an 80 on that Physics quiz (could of been worse). The Diff EQs grade is baaad because I'd really like to get an A and that test is about 10% of my grade (should be 16% but my professor devalues the lowest grade). I have an honors seminar I haven't been doing the appropriate amount of reading on, and an honors component in my English course that I haven't done ANY work on. I have an Exam in English on Shakespeare's Measure for Measure tomorrow and other for in class readings and the movie I don't know anything. And there's a Physics take-home due Wednesday, another Diff EQs exam Friday, and especially for Diff EQs I haven't done any of the homework that the exam is on (which is why I got a 70 on the first exam).

This hasn't helped much, I still feel very tense.

Off me...

I've realized that I really enjoy partaking and listening to human conversation. I had a very intriguing discussion on the ride home from the tutoring conference with the two adult women/moms/students who me and my friend and fellow tutor were riding with. It touched on many different subjects, from professors and classes, to psychological theories, master programs, and parenting. I don't think I would have said this 5 years ago when I was 16 and a pathetic loner. There's a certain human knowledge element of conversations I find interesting. Even if I'm just listening and absorbing as much information as I can remember.

Also, I've "discovered" Pandora, a music matching program that plays streaming audio of the music it matches you with. It's pretty cool, but I don't know if it'll stick. It'd be nice if it'd play in a regular music program rather than the web. And sometimes it's nice to play your own stuff, like live recordings you have over forty gigabytes of.

Sigh. Still tense. I think I'm going to go dance like no one's watching to Maroon 5.

Tags: bcc, college, life, stupid me, tutoring
Current Mood: tense
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Answering Machine (live)

You can get up 3 hours before you have to leave for class and bullshit two writing assignments two nights in a row, but you can't do the same thing and pass a Physics quiz and Differential Equations quiz on the same day when you haven't done any of the homework.

Fuck.



Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tags: bcc, college, stupid me
Current Location: BCC TASC
Current Mood: distressed

So for now, I've given up on the girl.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, login and read my friends-only entry or add me as a friend. I haven't called her, mainly out of fear of her already being in a relationship and finding myself in an awkward situation. If she wanted to, she could call me, and if it happened that she lost my number but really wanted to call me, such is life. If I see her around campus (which I probably will at some point), I chat with her but it really doesn't bother me too much.

Mainly because I realized a few days after seeing her that I really didn't "need" to meet a girl anymore. I've spent the past six month not finding anyone here amazing and it hasn't bothered me too much. I suppose you could partially explain that one through the reasoning that there are 2 girls in my Physics class and 3 in my Differential Equations class. Oh yeah, the two in my Physics class are in my Diff EQs class, and I talk a lot with one of them and know the other one because she tutors as well.

Issue two, I hate living with my parents. I'd love to move to Fall River but financially it's not going to work out unless the fucking government stops making it impossible to play poker on the internet for a living. And I find time to play (read: ambition). My bankroll is quickly going down the tubes, mainly because I'm not playing.

I've been doing a lot of tutoring, and it's going fairly well. Some stuff is more difficult than others. I'm doing a lot of GED-level writing/grammar tutoring which has been the toughest thing so far. I've been doing some MTH 25 tutoring which is Math of Elementary Education Teachers and its a lot of concepts that are easy to understand but I've never learned them. Recently I had to explain standard deviation and quartiles/ranges/frequences, etc, and I helped but obviously I'm a bit new to the stuff as well.

But the people at the tutoring center like me even though I didn't exist in their system last semester. Obviously I should of got started on this earlier. They like teasing me on things (last Tuesday was nobody likes me day), and hanging around there is pretty fun.

Went to Amherst last Thursday to go back up to Amherst College for an interview with the transfer admissions officer, and it was fairly informal and not too much of an interview. I kind of explained my story a bit more than in my essays but I wasn't really enthusiastic enough and don't think I said anything extraordinary that would give me a better chance of being accepted. I think I still have a chance but it really could have been a much better one. I did get my essays done but they were very rushed and not that good I think.

I sat in on a course up there and it was interesting but not that much of an amazing experience. I tried to go to two classes before the class I ended up in and no one was there 15 minutes before class started. I expected a few students in the room before I showed up, but no one was in either room when I peered in, so I tried another class. I can be really dumb sometimes. The rooms themselves were very unclassroom like, more like meeting rooms, and the other for a fairly large course was almost like a miniature Trinity Rep with plush leather seats. I suppose that's cool. I felt kind of out of place which I guess can be understood. I got to eat free at the dining commons and read one of their social and political thought journals. And I got to see some real snow instead of the pissy SE Mass snow we've been getting. Big snowflakes. It was nice.

I didn't want to write too much, so I'm ending here even though my life recently has been flying by. I don't even have time to explain my Sociology End of Oil course, our service learning organic garden project, some oil/geopolitics/american industry thoughts (Who Killed The Electric Car? - good doc), or eclectic but entertaining ENG12 professor. Time is a disaster.

Tags: bcc, girls, money, poker
Current Mood: fine
Current Music: Howie Day - Numbness for Sound

It's good to be back in school.

I have my first tutor appointment tommorrow in PSY 51 (General Psych), I'm really excited. It's good that it's a class I've actually taken, albeit two years ago, and one that I really enjoyed. Hopefully that makes it easy to tutor. I just hope that I don't suck.

I still haven't really done the essays, but I know that I need to do them and I really want to do them. My plan tonight is to relax for a little bit when I get home after Physics Lab and then refresh my Psychology knowledge and work on putting some fingers to keys and put some 0s and 1s in a file. I may decide to stay up late to force myself to write something soon.

Getting up early for Physics/school in generally doesn't totally suck as I expected it to, but it's still a bummer. Haven't looked into moving to Fall River other than thinking about it. I also don't know if I could financially swing it, especially after Neteller stopped accepting poker transactions, the easiest/quickest way of getting money I win into my bank account. I may have to start using credit cards in the evil debt collecting way soon so I can work my way out without being broke.

It's not as bad as it sounds, I can still play poker and win enough and eventually get money out through various ways. I also started propping at a poker site where I can make about $20/hr per table playing 4/8. Propping is when a poker site pays you to start new games and keep games going, so it's a very nice deal with 150% rakeback at 4/8. That is a sick amount of money if I could actually get off my ass and play for a long period of time, but as I really want to get this Amherst stuff done I'm going to take a break for a little bit and hence why I really don't want to write too much about it.

Otherwise, all my classes seem pretty good. I think this may be quite a hard semester though, with Physics and Diff EQs, the Sociology honors seminar, Philosophy, and the ENG12 Lit class. I'm pretty tired right now. Not sure if it's because of lack of sleep or because at this time yesterday I was working out really hard. The Fitness Center is cool.

Also, I've always done this, I don't know if anyone else does, but I always end up imagining how people feel, what conversations with people might be like, guess what people might be doing or thinking. I seem to generally be wrong and conversations end up not how I would imagine them. I think I'm a little disturbed in this area, I'd like to blame it on being an INTJ or being very aware of other people's conciousness. Or maybe not. Regardless, the point I'm thinking about/making is that it seems like anytime I expect a certain response from someone (like, say I don't do something and except negative harsh criticism), I'm wrong about it or it's not exactly what I was imagining. In this way I think for some sick reason I underestimate the human nature of life, being so hermitly introverted. Just something I was thinking about based on a few recent encounters.

Tags: bcc, life, poker, school, thoughts, tutoring
Current Location: computer lab
Current Mood: contemplative

It's yet again been awhile since I wrote in here seriously.

There are a bunch of topics I could write about right now. Poker - my AC trip, recent online play, my deteriorating tournament game. The previous other topics I mentioned which I never talked about. School - whether how bad I've been with work or my possible future prospects for college. About the only topic I can't write about is girls, because lately I haven't cared much. I'm not pursuing Tiffany, and I haven't met any awesome girls this semester. I could write about theories on why/how I'm amiable even though not much has happened this semester.

But the topic I really want to write about is my future college prospects.


For quite awhile my college philosophy has been the means and not the ends. "Stay in school long enough until you figure out how to pay for it," was a theory that I developed last semester when talking to my Sociology professor. I really do want to learn but I don't know what I want to do. I have my ideas based on my current interests, and the leading occupation has been something to do with Math, probably something like being a high school teacher. Granted, with the knowledge I've gained from my Sociology class the last two semesters, an occupation in Math is starting to lose some ground.

Rewind back to last semester. I was supposed to write an essay for a scholarship, the Presidential Scholars Program, where half your tuition and fees are paid or something or other, with the intention of the applicant transferring to a four year school after getting an Associates Degree at BCC. One of the transfer counselors I had talked to previously told me about it, and also told me about some grant that Amherst College was getting to attract community college students. It was the first I had heard of Amherst College and other then a quick browse and hearing about a $40k/year pricetag I didn't look at it very hard.

Fast forward to this semester. One of my professors is a BCC>Amherst College graduate, whom I had last year for US History and this year for a cool Tech & Society class. He talks about the school occasionally and had mentioned how Amherst College was coming to the college and had a special presentation they were doing. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about that presentation when my professor talked about it the next class. Something about 100% financial aid guaranteed (minus the fine print), Amherst pursuing community college students, and how I would be a good fit. Luckily there was a college fair event in a few weeks that a representative from Amherst was going to be at as well.

I actually nearly forgot about the fair, there was an hour before my classes I could go to it and I got up kind of late but got there in time. I browsed some of the other colleges as well, to kind of warm up to looking at Amherst. All the typical schools were there, I checked out MCLA, Clark, UMass Darmouth, and UMass Amherst (probable "safety" school").

Then, I talked to the Amherst admissions representative. When I was thinking about the fair before I got to school, I had worried that maybe I wouldn't get a chance to talk to them, maybe there would be too many people looking at Amherst. Silly anxieties. I talked to the admissions representative for about 15-20 minutes at least, and there was clearly no one else interested. She was a brand new admissions fellow who had graduated a year before and was picked to be the community college transfer admissions officer. I asked a bunch of questions and all the answers and everything she told me made me really interested in Amherst.

It's hard to describe, but afterwards, I had never wanted anything more than I had wanted to attend Amherst College. It just felt awesome. Amherst was looking for talented, highly-motivated, intellectual community college students, and here I was one of those students. Granted, I think I'm on the lower end of their admissions spectrum. Or at least I think so, I may be being a little too humble. As of 22 credits I have a 3.9 (one B+), and I did the rough math and continued 4.0s would raise me up to something close to 3.97. Not a pefect score, but about as close as you're going to get without getting a 4.0. For some reason I believe that not getting all 4.0s would hurt me but I suppose 3 hundredths isn't that far off.

I mean, I think I am what they are looking for. My SAT score (1300) is a little under their freshman applicant range, and while my HS transcript is littered with missing semesters and random sparks of intelligence and advanced courses, and certainly the weakest part of my academic record, I do think I am whatever you want to call me. I've already written too much of this entry in the hubris-person view to admit to being any of those big I or little S words (again).

I'd say the chances are fairly slim to being admitted (they only admitted 19% of applicants last year), but I definitely have a live draw. If I can write three of the best essays in my entire life (yes, they require three essays Ryan, the first is from the common app transfer and the other two from their supplement), and pull out 4.0s for the rest of my college credits, I feel like I have a really good shot.

But unfortunately, while I said in my head I've never wanted anything more, I must admit it's just not following into my work attitude. If it wasn't for my Calculus professor loving me, and my Chemistry professor accepting late labs I wouldn't be on track for a 4.0 this semester. Recent stupid moments included playing Halo 2 for 4-5 hours one Sunday night/Monday night before an exam/essays to be written for my Tech & Society class where I hadn't even read 5 out of the 6 chapters the exam was on. I had to speed read (which actually seemed to work) through a few chapters in order to come close to getting a 95 (including a scale of 5 points). Yes, I take excellent class notes in that class which is why I could do so well but I still need to read the text.

So, next weekend I'm attending their Community College Transfer Day at Amherst. They're inviting community college students up to Amherst for a series of informational sessions, lunch, a dinner reception, and lots of fun stuff. It should be interesting and a lot of fun. I am most looking forward to seeing what the other community college students that are visiting the college are like, and if I have a chance against them in a sea of applications. I imagine meeting a lot of people in the same boat as me and maybe with the same interests/etc. should be pretty cool as well. I'm actually really excited just writing about it.

I must say, I find it quite exciting that I have this chance to possibly attend this forth thousand dollar, fairly prestigious college, especially given all I've been through. Going back to the beginning of my livejournal in late 2003 prior to my senior year of HS, I didn't even have any possible plans for college. I knew it was possible, I took the SATs for my second time, but I didn't think much of it and the score I got. It wasn't until I had begun to talk to teachers about college (well, Rosa) that I realized the possibilities. And after being denied from everywhere worth going, I knew I didn't want to be working in fast-food the rest of my life as Rosa would put it.

And now, after everything, after gradually going to BCC and moving to a fuller than full-time schedule, after not being able to pay for Fitchburg even though I was accepted and all ready to go. After all of that, I have a chance to make something even better of myself at somewhere I couldn't have dreamed of going two years ago? Please. No really, please. I want that chance.

Usually when people ask the question "If you could choose anything in your life to do over again/change, what would it be", I'd answer everything. There are so many things that have gone wrong in my life that to start at one single solitary moment is hard. But if I got the chance to go to this school, and found some calling, experienced an amazing two years of college, and maybe met some future soulmate, well, I might finally be one of those people who answers that they wouldn't want to change anything in their life. I think I would finally see my life in the Frostian point of view, the road less traveled where everything that goes wrong is simply a path to something inevitably going amazingly right. I never thought I would ever think in those terms. That maybe, just maybe, I would want to leave/live my life the same because my past has led me towards path that I am on now and towards the yellow brick road I might actually end up finding. I kind of only have one word to describe this : amazing.


Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So anyways, I'm going up to Amherst on Saturday. It should be a ball. If anyone in Amherst reads this (Kristin?) and isn't busy Saturday night let me know.

Yet again...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"Open your eyes, boy. I think we are saved."

Tags: amherst college, bcc, college, future, school
Current Mood: amazed
Current Music: Internet Radio

I really want to play some poker right now.

I signed up for Full Tilt Poker under a rakeback affiliate and I'll get 27% rakeback there once I start playing. The tables aren't super juicy but the 5/10 tables had some moderate fish. Supposedly the NL games are juicier though, and since I'm starting to feel more comfortable playing NL from playing live every other Saturday, I might work on grinding it out playing NL instead, probably only playing a few tables of .50/1 or 1/2. Bankroll wise it may be better than playing 5/10 limit. I'd have about 30 buyins at 1/2 rather than 600 BBs at 5/10. Still good comfort zone regardless I guess. My bankroll is somewhere around $6k subtracting school and the past 2 months in expenses being a pro.

But unfortunately, I still have to do that essay that was due yesterday because I took a one day extension on it. My professor has a deal about one no questions asked extension per semester and I figured it'd be a good day to take advantage of it. My voicemail message went like this "Yo Professor G, What up dogg? Heh, That was lame. Anyway, calling up to take advantage of my extension for the essay that's due tomorrow. Later. *click* -cue laughing about how lame I am-". My English professor is pretty cool and always tries to act ghetto so I had to do it. I come and he's like "I got your hip hop message..." Classic.

Unfortunately, it's about 10:30, I'm already tired, and haven't started any of it. Anyone want to write me a 3-5 page essay on Misconceptions for me? Will pay in sexual favors.

Tags: bcc, procrastination, schoolwork
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: PPT

I'm a luckbox.

I'm the lazy mofo in the world yet somehow I can get by doing the bare minimum for any of my classes and still not get in deep trouble in regards to grades.

Example : Third week of Chemistry class, I haven't done any reading yet, there's a Lab due that I have to print out a cover page and make a graph (lab report is already done for us). I fall asleep after poker the prior night and don't do anything I'm supposed to. I try to make the graph in OpenOffice and it won't work like it's supposed to. I don't do any reading or print out the previous lab and copy it into my lab notebook. Between the break of class and lab I have enough time to print out the necessary graph in the library and all is good. I do decent on the quiz we had in class that I didn't study for and the lab works out okay.

Another example : On Monday after Foxwoods, I fell asleep at 3am after I got home without doing anything. I promised myself I'd do the work I needed to do for Monday after I got home from Foxwoods but I lied. I wake up at like 9am or something, an hour later than I'd like to. I didn't get any of the stuff done for English I needed (paragraph about essay, notes on a Chapter to read). We aren't quizzed on it and I didn't need to hand in paragraph. Previously I had a situation where I didn't finish a journal assignment and had a sick feeling he was going to look at them over the weekend but I was wrong and I got lucky to get away with that.

Same thing with my Calculus labs, last week I didn't finish them on Friday and my professor likes me so I told her I'd hand them in on Monday, I didn't even finish them before class but I gave them to her after class on Monday after I finished them in the lab. Not sure if they'll be late but I don't think they will be.

Something is going to have to change eventually though. I'm the laziest SOB in the world and I just keep getting lucky to get away with it. I actually would really like to get another 4.0 this semester but it's never going to work if I keep doing this.

So far Chemistry is nice, it reminds me of why I liked HS Chemistry, although I think I hate doing labs because of the uncertainty of screwing something up. I like the math behind anything more than the experiments. We had a placement exam sort of thing with a bunch of algebra and chem stuff on it and it was actually a lot of fun I thought, stressing my brain out on stuff I barely remember.

Otherwise I think I've just gotten used to the lameness that is BCC for a while. I don't feel as bad about my classes as I did, but they're not super awesome still. My Monday night course isn't bad with my Hist professor from last semester. The topic is interesting although the class is ultra small (6ish). Soc is getting interesting, need to write a draft of an essay due tommorrow for English (awesome! :|), and Calc is Calc but at least it's Math.

I might be tutoring over at the TASC. Right now the guy from the Attleboro center has some people who need help in MTH 31 which is "Modern College Mathematics". It's a bunch of stuff I should know if I study it, basically Pre-Calc/Trig kind of stuff, but I'm not super confident I can tutor stuff about matrices and the "Simplex Method", whatever that is. I mean if people need help on the quadratic formula that's one thing, but some stuff I may not be much help with/a crappy tutor. It's a little weird. That and even though they say they need tutors it doesn't seem like they do.

I've always been thinking about what to do after this semester. I'm thinking I really want to get out of here ASAP. The quicker I move to a real college I think the better off I will be. I mean, I've already wasted enough time here to begin with when I think I would of been better off going anywhere else. I've been thinking of moving to Fall River to make commuting a lot easier but I'm not even close to planning that yet.

Sigh. Other random thoughts.

I think I saw Tiffany walking a ways in front of me after I got out of class. It was actually sort of a bad beat because I got out of class early but mosied around before leaving the building I was at. It very well may not have been her but the way she walked/moved, seemed like it might have been her.

No real awesome girls in any of my classes. A few hotties and a few interesting/smart girls but nobody truly awesome. I was lab partner with this girl who was kind of cute and seemed pretty smart the first week but changed partners cause I thought she was partnered with someone else the second week. Bad read.

I'm starting to think I should try to sign up for one of those dating services and go on a date with someone/anyone. I suppose I would compose myself better in a one-on-one date I was forced to go on rather than trying to find someone I like and could get the courage to ask in society. I'd really just like a girl who was somewhat like me who I could exchange thoughts and intellectual conversation with, and maybe have fun and play games with. Someone set us up the girl!

Tags: bcc, college, school
Current Location: school computer lab
Current Music: 1.fm

I'm in a weird funk right now.

School started today, and it wasn't all I thought it was cracked up to be. For most of the summer I've been looking forward to school starting back up, but now for some reason I just wish I could keep being lazy.

My first class of the day, my SOC 12 Social Problems class with Professor Wood from last semester was just totally dull. I can tell about half of the people in the class will have dropped it by the end of the semester. I'm hoping it's just a one time thing. I think this might be the semester where I realize BCC isn't all it's cracked up to be, it's kind of funny how I raved about the aesthetics of classrooms last semester and now the classroom we're in is the smallest little ugly room to take a class in. Just not very comfortable for learning.

My English 11/CSS learning community course looks good, the professor is really funny and a cool guy, and all the people in the class are like I kind of expected, first time freshmen. I think there's only like 12 or 14 of us and it should be kind of cool.

And then Calc III with my professor from last semester, I know the class is going to be easy, there's like 4 people who weren't here for last semester and about half who were in the last class, although no girls. Boo.

I don't know, I guess it's too early for me to be bitter. Maybe it was the stupid Fall River traffic I had to get through before getting home. Must leave before 2 next time.

I really want to get involved somehow on campus doing more stuff, but I don't know if I have the ambition to do so. I really wanted to get into the Honors Program but I never looked into it over the summer, I would mind becoming a Tutor for Math or some other courses, and I could definitely use the fitness center there. The Theatre group is having open auditions for the Fall play they're putting on on Friday but I don't know if I'd be up for doing that.

I found that there's tennis courts at the school (I've started getting into tennis other than watching it), but I'd really need to find someone to hit with as there's no racquetball type court to practice swings. No Tiffany sighting. I passed the Music Theory class I kind of wanted to take and that class looked a little more upbeat than my other ones. Maybe I should of taken it.

Tags: bcc, life
Current Mood: but I am not a snake
Current Music: but everybody needs a little forgiveness...

I have two days of work left. Today and Saturday, both 6-10. I am going to miss Subway, mainly miss the free food as having to pay for dinner every day especially for school will kind of suck, but I am still glad I'm leaving. I guess Bob is cutting more hours since usually business slows down when school starts, and the store has been slow anyway to begin with. I'm not sure how he expects people to get stuff done when there's one person to do prep until 6, and then that person leaves at 7, that and he's going to have to hire someone else or bring someone over from another store since everyone else is going back to school too. Now that the shifts are 6-10, I probably could float it for school working a few hours a week, but I still think it's better that I quit.

Subway was my first job, and I suppose for many people quiting and leaving small minimum wage jobs becomes like nothing, but I've gotten pretty good at it and leaving is kind of bittersweet. Certain things are awesome, like my coworkers and good customers who come in, and occasionally I love my job, but some things suck, like working with food, rushes, annoying customers, etc. I guess it's just an end of one part of my life and on to another part. I was telling myself I wanted to shave my head/beard to symbolize when I quit, but I don't think I am. I did get a pretty poor haircut yesterday and might just go to some other place and tell them to buzz most of it off. I can't shave my beard though, I'd look ridiculous without it.


I hit the $10k bankroll mark, that's if you include the money I withdrew to pay for school. I haven't exactly figured out how much to write off on my poker bankroll. I can write off about $5k and still have a healthy bankroll to play with, but I'm not sure how much I want to make it. I haven't sat down and done the math regarding playing off my poker money. If I can win something like $500 a month, at least, I'll be pretty good overall to pay for monthly expenses. I know it's possible to play a lot and still have a losing month, and I'm still getting pretty lucky lately to keep on the upswing.

Basically my only firm expenses are going to become my $220 in rent towards my parents. My last insurance bill is $199.20 due on 9/14. There are certain car issues that might change my expenses though, I was looking at buying the Cavalier that was my step-brother's old car off my parents and using it to get back and forth to school since it's supposed to be more reliable, although I don't know if I'm going to go through with it. My car's running really good right now with the exception of the bumper falling off because the clip on it fell off, and I need an oil change.

There are 17 weeks left in the year starting in September, so if say I spent $40 on gas a week. That would be $680. Yow. And If I say spent $30 on food during the week, that'd be like $510. So that's $2269.20 in expenses between all that kind of stuff.

What I decided to do for school was use the payment plan. There's about $3194 total in expenses, I already paid the insurance fee up front leaving $2361 left over paid in like 4 installments. It's sort of playing it safe, just in case I find myself in a situation where I start grinding it out and end up short because I've already paid the $3k up front. I figure doing it this way allows me to pay for stuff incrementally if say I go on a few downswings over the next month.

So, what it looks like is that, let's include books in the school expenses and make it like $4k, and if we assume $2.3k is good for expenses over the 4 months, $6.3k is what I'm going to be spending from poker over the next 4 months. I've already withdrawn $4k to my bank account, to pay for the initial payment installment and insurance fee, etc. There's actually $5.7k in my bank account from my poker bankroll, not including what I've paid for. It's a little tight for the online sites, mainly because I'm trying to keep enough in each to multitable like 3/6 or 5/10 if I find a few good games.

Wheee. So, I know it's going to be tight, and I know I could go on a bad run. My last post's subject was "Don't be afraid to fail." I was watching Current and they had on a video of I believe Michael Dell, the CEO dude of Dell saying his advice to young people was "Don't be afraid to fail." Even if I do fail, what have I lost? I've made enough money to pay for a semester of school. I've ventured out on my own, away from an $8 hour job. As someone commented, I'm sure it won't be hard to find another job if grinding it out playing poker doesn't work, and another job that might be better than Subway. I think I'm in good shape though.

Tags: bcc, money, poker, work
Current Mood: grinding

I watched a movie for the first time in a while. I have this disdain for movies that goes back to when I was young, I think mainly it's that I can think of better things to do than to be engulfed in another life for an hour and a half. But anyways, I was browsing through the channels and the name Trainspotting sounded familiar, probably from Paul Phillips' blog, so I watched it, it was about a heroin addict trying to get out of his heroin addict life while getting sucked back in by his mates. The British mannerisms were pretty funny, but I'm generally a bad judge of movies, it was okay. A wise man once told me drugs are bad. C'est vrai.

I also caught parts of Waking Life on IFC, they seem to show it on afternoons on Mondays I guess or something. I saw that and made me think for a bit before I realized thinking was bad. Now I finished watching this movie and I started thinking again. Oy vey.

So I'm sure I've mentioned how there's stuff I want to write about, but never feel like writing or am too lazy to do so. Since I've started thinking I guess this is the time where I let it all out, unless I get bored of cathartic bullshit and stop prematurely. And in general, this livejournal is kind of like a written down discussion of my inner monologue. Most of this monologue has been going on and on for a while, it's just that I haven't written about it. I used to really like writing down all my thoughts on a daily basis, but now it's kind of eh. And then when something does come up, I'm so disenfranchised from this thing that I don't feel like writing. Big thoughts, I know.


Anyway, starting backwards first, I mentioned Relay but didn't mention something tiny but really interesting that sort of didn't happen.

I was walking the track with Ingrid and Karyl at night, doing Karaoke from Ingrid's iPod, and being really goofy. It was probably like 1 or 2am or something. It was really fun talking with them about school and just having fun and not caring about how stupid I looked or sounded trying to sing karaoke (and it was bad). So I turned around to start walking backwards for a bit, since my feet were hurting, and I looked up and saw somebody who looked familiar. That Julie Sullivan girl who I've had a crush on since North. I looked up and saw her face and then kind of turned around. "Wait, was that really her?", I kind of said to myself. I was in a daze for a little while thinking about it... should I turn around and recheck? Should I say hi? Should I confess I've been madly in love with her for years...should I ask if I ever had a chance? It was weird because I went from having lots of fun with Karyl and Ingrid to being self-concious about my stupid past.

She eventually passed us and I could kind of hear her talking to the person she was walking with. I actual think she was walking with a classmate from North she was friends with back then, Tara Rose. I couldn't really hear what she was saying but it sounded like she was talking about a guy, and moving in with him or something. Or I guess that's what I'd like to imagine. For a while I wasn't sure it was her, but it sounded like her, looked like her, and seemed like her.

So yes, I saw her, and I did nothing. I pondered walking up next to them and saying hi, but that's only something I'd do in my dreams apparently. After seeing them walking the track I didn't see them the rest of the time. I saw a few other people I knew from North too (including the three girls who came into Subway one night that I said hi too), but didn't say hi.

In the same vein as that story, there was one day a while back that it hit me. I've been spending my life looking back at the past. Thinking about the past. Analyzing what I've done wrong and messed up. I really need to move on and up. I need to look at what I've done and do something better. The past is just that. I can't really sit here and fuck up any future I could have by repeating all my mistakes. Mainly this means to stop being a lonely bastard and try to be somebody. Intimacy rather than Isolation - Erik Erikson's stage of early adulthood. I need to look for something new rather than pretending I can love somebody I won't ever see again.

Then, I went to work. This girl, Val Hastings came in, who I used to live next to, her dad was our landlord back when I lived in North Attleboro. Her sister used to take us to school freshman/sophomore year. She graduated valedictorian of the class I would of graduated at NAHS, and went to Harvard. I knew this from reading something in the paper about her. Anyway, she came in with this guy, and after a little while I realized I know who he was. It was this guy Steven who I sat behind in my freshman Algebra class or whatever, he was in my home room too I think, and I remember he being a kind of shady kid, which was really strange when I saw them together. I also thought he may have been this kid who I was friends with back in kindergarten but moved, but I'm not sure and was never sure even in school. But yeah, that was weird. Here I am, I told myself, fuck the past, it don't matter. And then I see someone from my past and it all comes back to me. I didn't really say much to her/them, it was kind of awkward.


And then, the other thing I've been meaning to write about.

The end of the semester was just kind of weird. I really liked Tiffany and it seemed like she liked me too. I don't have to go into everything that happened, I wrote most of it down. I just really loved talking to her outside of class and just having a conversation. It felt nice to talk to a girl sincerely and not feel like I'm an inferior man. I did say some goofy stuff sometimes, and I made some sarcastic Colbert-like comments about Bush that I'm not sure she got. Even now I can't really explain it, it just felt good.

But I whiffed. I should of talked to her that Friday, gave her my number or something, and you never know. But now, I'm doing the same thing I've done about every other girl. Wishing I did something when I didn't, and pretending in my head what it would be like if I did, and thinking I still might have a chance. At least I might see her again, like I've said before, I'm holding out hope that if I go back to Fall River for next semester maybe I'll see her around campus.

The strange thing about the end of the semester was I ended up talking to Stephanie outside of class a bit too. You know, the one I originally had a crush on until suddenly I was like, holy shit, this other girl is much cooler. We ended up talking after that other class with someone else about some politicky stuff like abortion, gay rights, stuff from the class, etc. It was kind of interesting and I learned some stuff about Stephanie that I would not have expected. You know, cause I originally expected to hear no stories about her being a naughty girl.

I also ended up talking to her in the lab the day of my all-nighter. I ended up going to the computer lab to print out some stuff from my Child Psychology binder, and as I got out of my car I noticed she was parked a few cars down but didn't say anything. She ended up coming up to the lab later and I don't know how we started talking about stuff but I guess she was supposed to take a final for this math class with the Professor from my recitation. I guess she really sucks at math and was freaking out about the final and I was trying to reassure her and stuff but I guess she really does suck at math. I don't understand how someone sells back their book before they even finish their final.


All that, and I feel like I'm so close yet so far. When I mentioned Erik Erikson, I'm serious and it feels like I'm struggling with the whole intimacy vs. isolation thing. I'm not really close to anyone in the friends sort of way. Granted, I never really have been my whole life. Isolation is good until you realize intimacy is awesome. And I kind of don't have much experience with intimacy. Now, when a lot of people see intimacy vs. isolation they think sexual intimacy, and for those who haven't read Erikson's eight stages eight different times, it doesn't just mean that sort of intimacy but mainly intimacy between other human beings, like as friends.

I've just spent most of my life isolated. Back in middle school/high school, in my room, alone. Can you really have intimacy through an internet connection? Ask me that 6 - 7 years ago and I'd probably say yes. But now, I feel like I've experienced what intimacy is between people and I feel like I've lost it. I'm a pretty bad friend, I've always hated phone calls - they feel distant and weird to me. And yadda yadda yadda. I do have to say, poker helps, and I've gotten pretty close to Kurt from poker as a friend. He probably knows more about my life than my parents do.

I don't really know where I'm going (actually I do, I just don't want to write about it). I want to be intimate with life, I want to get to know people and get to know myself through other people. This is one of the reasons I wish I went to a real college and all that, and got to meet more people. That and I should just ask out the next girl who seems to cool just to get practice on that whole girl thing.

To finish off this long entry, I was just listening to a Matt Nathanson concert and he made this comment about Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl"..

"Okay, so in this song he's saying, I want Jesse's girl, but I can't have her, and I'm just going to sit back here and for the rest of my life I'm going to wish that I could of had her." ... Kind of what I do.

That, and I think I finally figured out the meaning of Everything Else. "Cause everything else doesn't matter/really cause that girl/that you want/she's never going away/and if you want her you can't have her". She's still in my mind...and I can't have her, and she's never going away.

Woe is me.

Tags: bcc, friends, future, girls, julie, life, nahs, t, the past
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Matt Nathanson

I hate when I don't write an entry in forever. Because I know that I end up forgetting stuff I'd like to write about, and I know that it'll end up being super long anyway so it's unlikely most people will read it. I actually meant to write this entry a while ago. I literally started writing it last week and got sidetracked.

Finals were pretty much insane. Actually, I guess technically I did them all in one day..

I worked my ass off to do the Child Psychology take home final. My arm was so sore Sunday night... from writing soo soo much. By the end of it all, the pen I was using, which I pretty much only sparingly used before went from being able to see the ink from under the grip to not. That's how much I had to write. I didn't even know pens used that much ink. I pretty much kept writing as much as I could under the time constraints.

The assignment was just retodded though, and infuriated me so much. Some questions weren't in the book, and googling answers didn't help, so for a few I just wrote a little bit of what sounded plausible from the book and put a note that said I couldn't find it in the book. There was a lot of stuff that I liked reading about in the book which was interesting, like educational theories and other topics, which I'd like to go back and actually learn rather than glaze over because I need to get to the next fucking question. I'm not sure how I got it finished in time, but I know I did sometime Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

I had to interrupt all the Child Psych shit for an actual important final, my Sociology final on Tuesday at 2:45. I got some sleep that night and I think I woke up at 9ish that morning, did some more Child Psych work and felt like going to school early cause I didn't feel like sitting at home/waiting studying. There wasn't a whole lot of studying necessary, she told us basically there would be an essay about the End of Suburbia stuff and about the Iraq War stuff and another essay that I didn't prepare for at all but she wasn't sure if that would be on it. Well that, and the map work which I felt might not be too difficult because we'd probably just have to know North America/South America/Africa/Europe/Asia. I was telling this to some of my classmates before the final (who basically knew me as the smart kid), and what do you know, that's what the map work part was. Am I good or am I good.

So the essays were pretty much how I mentioned too, with only having to do 2 of 3 and the other one being the gender/race stuff, so i just did the other two and wrote pretty good essays I felt, for once. Knowing that it seems like the standard is lowered here at BCC, I'm starting to realize I don't need to stress out too much. The essay period was 2 hours long and I figured the map work would take about 30 minutes and to write 2 essays in an hour and half seemed like a bit much but I figured they didn't have to be too organized and 45 minutes for each should work. But I got them done, and like usual I was pretty much the last one to finish. I'm not sure how people can leave so early in a final that has two essays that should be lengthy. I mean, I'm sure I could go on and on about both the topics if I had the time, yet people seem to be able to just be okay with handing in crap.

After the exam I talked with Professor Wood about a bunch of different things, which was probably the highlight of the finals week. It gave me some good insights about school. Some anecdotes she told me about her life seemed quite reminiscent of mine.

Anyway, from there I went to finish the rest of my Child Psychology stuff. I sat in the library finding articles for my portfolio thing basically just running through magazines like Psychology Today trying to find interesting child psychology type stuff, I didn't even read most of them, just glanced over them to make sure they looked good. Pretty much just find article, photocopy, rinse repeat. That's how I came across this cool article, and I'm going to have to go get that book at the library sometime (which I did by the time I finished this entry).

After I got enough articles I felt, which was kind of hard to find enough of surprisingly, I actually borrowed some from my old Psychology portfolio from Mr Watterson's class, went home, finished the rest of the final exam. Still had to write up 10 lame observations of children which I basically tried to remember from my past and they were pretty lame. Got that done, it was maybe 4 or 5am, maybe later, hadn't studied at all for Calc, hadn't gotten any sleep at all.

I actually went in early as the Child Psych final was at 10:15 and I wanted to print out my observations at school and finish it up a bit. So on the way up to Fall River at like 8am I stopped to get some coffee. I haven't had coffee in a while, in fact I think the last time was maybe at Relay last year but I'm not sure. I got some awful disgusting coffee from Hess, and spilled some of it on my pants on the ride up. Studied for Calc a tad. Talked to Stephanie in the lab while I was doing observation stuff and as she was freaking out about a math final she had to take.

The actual Child Psych final wasn't really anything. All her classes gathered in the lectured hall, those like me who hadn't given in our stuff ahead of time, and she didn't even want the articles cause they were for us to read really. Awesome, so all that 3-hole punching I did and spending money to copy all the pages was for nothing. Sweet! And then all we did was have an oral final where we stood up a bunch of times saying yes to stuff she said about how we wouldn't do bad things to children and all that crap and how we'd read the book Hope Rising that she assigned that no one actually read.

Went back to study after that for Calc and realized I couldn't concentrate and didn't remember nearly anything. I hadn't done any homework for chapter 9 at all, or any of the homework any of test was on actually. She gave us a outline for all the test questions so I basically looked through that and tried to remember how to do each of the problems. I was freaking out so badly and realizing I couldn't concentrate since I've been up for over 24 hours, high on caffeine, totally wired. I had a decent grasp of everything except finding an interval of convergence which I pretty much didn't think I could do at all.

And then came the final. I was totally just wired. I could barely even write straight and when I passed it I asked the professor to look it over to check if she could actually understand it because I wasn't sure if it was totally legible. I started going through the problems and I was like..okay...yes, I got that one, alright, that one...and that one, and that one. I got to the interval of convergence problem and it looked like I solved it correctly, and I was like..holy crap...I don't even think I've done one of those problems right before. I had one problem I believe I had to go back to which was a trig substitution problem and I looked at it and wasn't getting it for a while because there was a theta since left in my answer after I had substituted most of the stuff. And then I realized all of a sudden, arcsin x = theta. And after all the jitteriness and not even being to coherently put together a sentence, I somehow had finished my Calc final. It was pretty insane and I don't know how I did it.

Even after all that...I then had to go to work after being up 24 hours+, by the time I got to sleep I think I had been up over 39 hours or so, which probably ties/beats my record from senior project.

In the end, I got a 103 on my calculus final. Man I still can't comprehend that, only 2 points off on the whole thing? That's insane. I ended up getting a 4.0 in all my classes, even Child Psych although I did everything at the last fucking minute and passed in my autobiography a week late. And even in Sociology where I would have bet I would have failed the mid-term. I got an A+ actually in Calc II if it matters.

Phew.

I'm sorry this is so long and so late. If you read this hats off to you, thank you for caring. I know me writing about what happened over a 39 hour time span probably isn't that exciting, but I really don't do it for anyone else but me now because so few people still use LJ who are on my friends list. But that was the point of it all for me to begin with, because if I don't write it then I might end up forgetting it.

This is kind of like what happened junior year during the last few weeks of school. I stopped writing in my paper journal/diary due to poetry project for Epistemology and a lot of stuff happened that I would have liked to have written down and remembered better.

I've got some other stuff I'd like to write about more succintly and in a different entry, mainly, the awards ceremony I went to at school for getting the 2nd in our school's Math League contest, and maybe a catharsis regarding Tiffany.

Yes, I know I didn't mention her and I'm sorry if I left anyone hanging if they actually cared. She didn't show up to the final as far as I know. Such is life. I'm hoping I'll see her again next semester, and I mean there's certainly a chance. She was only taking that one class at Fall River but she can't take them all at New Bedford can she? The best thing would be if she saw me and was the one who started a conversation with me. That would make me feel awesome. If I see her and there's no strange animosity I'm going to give her my number. Now who wants to start a prop bet on that?

Tags: all nighters, bcc, life, t
Current Mood: 2 weeks ago
Current Music: like 15 diff things each time I wrote it

So I'm well into the finals grind. Except my final exam grind is stuff that everyone else did months ago.

I'm about 37% through my Child Psych final exam. To recap, it's a take-home thing that we got during the first few weeks of class which consists of 119 questions but many of them are simply asking to define many terms, so all the separate questions actually total up to 198 questions, and I'm through 72 of them although only 26 real questions. I'm actually through most of the easy definition sections and many of the next questions might take a tad more thought to answer, which is a little scary considering I had the whole day off and only got through about 27% of the exam since I had about 10% already done or so. I've kind of been reminding myself that this is my punishment for not doing any work during the semester and feeling as free as a bird while I concentrated on other things like playing poker and stressing out about other less/more important stuff.

At the same time, I still have Sociology and Calc studying to do, Sociology which consists of reading two chapters I haven't read that one question on the final exam essays might be about and just going over stuff/rereading stuff I never read to begin with. And then Calc kind of consists of doing work on everything I haven't done anything on at all, like about all of chapter 9 regarding series, sequences, convergence of series, tests, maclaurins and taylors, etc, etc.

At least I don't have to do anything for History. That's right. I'm exempt from the final because I have an A average for the class (and all you actually needed for that gift was a B- on). I pondered taking it to get an A+ (as my professor thought I was crazy when I asked for the essays for the test) but have since realized I'm retarded and an A is still a 4.00. It's a good thing too because I couldn't see myself doing that and all this stuff for Child Psych. Yeah...I still have those observations of children and articles to find for Child Psych too..wheeee.

So, I have Sunday free although it's already 5am Sunday right now and I haven't gotten any sleep, and Monday I have the morning free and my Sociology mid-term on Tuesday while I have the night off from work. The stuff for Child Psych is due 10:15 (although the professor preferred it much earlier....she can screw). If you get off on teaching anything of substance most of the semester and complain about having to read over a 119 question final exam in 72 hours as well as two other assignments you assign that are 25% of the grade, that is not my fault professor.


On Wednesday after class I attempted to solve some of my issues with immunization holds not allowing me to register, and I passed the office of the transfer advisor I talked to at the Attleboro Campus who was very informative and good to talk to and was nice, compared to the advisor I talked to when I wanted to talk over my schedule that fall. It was all out of blue although I had wanted to talk to her the week prior or so about advisement but I chickened out. She was busy but said could meet with me in a bit and I ended up going over my whole situation and clearing a lot of stuff up about school and all. She referred me to the Presidential Scholars Program which is some type of scholarship where you get half off tuition and fees for a year at BCC provided you meet some requirements and plan on transferring to a private institution. It's meant for high school seniors going right into BCC but she talked to the woman in charge of it and said I could just get some recommendation from a professor/HS teacher. I'm a little skeptical of getting into this program given that it seems more geared towards like I said people directly out of HS and I'm 2 years removed, but half of tuition and fees would definitely help me pay for school the next two semesters even if I don't get anything out of the BCC foundation app I filled out.

Oh yeah, the essay prompt for it is awesome : "If money were no object and if you would be automatically admitted, where would you choose to attend college and why?". What is somewhat amusing to me is that the college I always sort of admired since I was about 12 (or when I simply started playing netrek hockey) wasn't the first one that came to my mind. And literally about five popped in my head the moment she told me that was the prompt... Harvard...no....Clark..no...Hampshire..no...Fitchburg...no... To think that I forgot my stupid 8th grader dreams so soon was kind of weird. Although I'm not exactly sure how I explain wanting to go to MIT after playing an online computer game for most of my adolescent life in a 500 word essay explaining how it was all because the server the game was on was at MIT. Dork.


I also ended up going back to high school firstly to get some high school transcripts printed out but also to hi to teachers. I ran into Izzi in the hallway and talked about my way too easy Calc II class including me not doing any homework since the 6th section of the class. I could feel her cringe at the thought. I chatted with Shirman about BCC and all the typical stuff and she said I looked good and although I don't think she used the exact terminology, said I looked "adultish". And I left a note on Cohen's board along with S (x arcsin x)dx. I might have forgotten the dx though (-1).

The next time going back to pick up my transcripts I went to go see Sawyer and him and Rosa were talking - two birds with one stone. Asked Rosa if she could do a recommendation for me for the BCC program thing, talked about BCC stuff. Realized that after going through my thought processes regarding last semester at BCC, I don't have all that much more to say. Rosa said I looked "handsome" which along with "adultish" would be the two words I would have least considered myself. That and Sawyer could see me getting my Ph.D some day. I could agree with that more than the prior two.


Regarding being "handsome", for those who were curious about making a move I've kind of flunked. The Friday I planned to do something I left class and didn't wait up for her for some stupid reason. It's probably about the first mistake I feel I've made in regards to Tiffany. I don't know, it was part me not feeling like trying to do anything and also people were entering from the next class kind of quickly and we were both taking our time. On Wednesday, our last class, I wrote down my name and number on a post-it and put it in my pocket just in case. She didn't show up to class. Part of me hopes that on the final, we both finish at the same time, start talking, I ask her out to go get something to eat and she's not doing anything and we live happily ever after. It'd be excellent timing too because I have the night off, the final is at 2:45 and 2 hours long.

I've talked to several people about her like Emily and Amy and Cindy from the Shell felt she was certainly flirting with me when she made that comment that's had my heart ever since. I'm not really sure what she actually sees in me if that's the case but with outside confirmation that I look "handsome" maybe that's why. Will I miss her if I never see her again? Yes. .... I suppose that's really all the reasoning I need to approach her... there's no analyzing it. Reasoning is one thing though.... doing is another.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, high school, life, t
Current Mood: strung out
Current Music: internet radio probably howie in a bit

Do you ever feel like you're missing something? I guess I do all the time. Like there should be something more than this.

Lately I've just been really bitter over my Child Psychology class. I really should of dropped it in the beginning of the year because I knew I wouldn't do the long-term stuff like a normal person. It just frustrates me that all the class is have fun, no learning, and that the grade is based on all this stupid shit I haven't done when if all we had our grades on was tests I'd get an A easily. It's very frustrating and like I said, makes me really bitter. I don't really want to have anything to do with psychology regarding going into psychology after this. I've had two somewhat frustrating non-intro psychology courses in regards to learning stuff and the class/professor.

At the same time, it's like I'm the only one who thinks this way. We did our teacher evaluation and I gave her a pretty poor grade while going through everything while everyone gives her excellents on everything without even caring. I didn't have much time to write a written comment other than "Really nice professor but not having tests are stupid and long-term assignments are stupid." Grrr.... I'm just very bitter about it all.

I didn't do much of the long-term final exam at all Saturday or Friday or Wednesday like I had planned to, go me. It's essentially 198 questions (counting like defining terms and stuff), and I've done 22. I got about 10 done outside today between classes in an hour, so not a bad rate. I do believe I can get it done as well as the other stuff I'm supposed to do (observations and magazine articles) by the final date.

I'm just so bitter. It's like if my Calculus class had no tests but you had to do homework problems for every section and hand them in for a grade. I have a 98 in Calc class and I haven't done most of the homework we were supposed to. ARFGGH.

But otherwise I mean, the school year has turned out kind of well. My US History 1877+ class was a lot better than I expected it to be whereas I felt it might just be boring at the beginning of the year. The professor for the class was great and I really enjoyed the class and learned a lot, especially in the later half of the class about many of the topics. He's a great lecturer although to others he was probably really boring, I just enjoyed watching him talk about different subjects. I may take a class with him in the fall, maybe the US History to 1877 class but I think early US History might actually be boring. He also has a Technology & Society class that definitely looks interesting.

And my Sociology class has really inspired me to do something. I haven't written a post about what I've learned about peak oil yet but I've really been meaning to for a while. Yes the professor seems out there in regards to it wasnt what I expected in a Sociology class, but I've learned a lot of things about the current world we live in that makes me infuriated. Especially in regards to terrorism (especially US terrorism), war and why muslims/arabs hate us, the current administration and neocons' uniilaterism, and peak oil.

One of the things that worries me about knowledge is that you can never know if what anyone tells you is fact. It does bother me a little in regards to some subjects in my Sociology class that they are quite controversial and can possibly be misinformed or wrong.

I got a little off track but I don't feel like writing too much more or not posting this.

Tags: bcc, college, life
Current Mood: bitter
Current Music: another howie show I downloaded

I used an analogy a while ago to point to how far behind I am in life.

I'll use another one.

Your room/desk (for those who don't live with your parents, your house) is a good sign of how far behind you are. Lately It's been the worst it's ever been in my life. It's bad when a week goes by and you still haven't finished putting all your laundry back from the last time you did laundry, and have to do more laundry. I've always had really old school papers lying around my room for no reason, and such is still the case. I have two bags of candy from the mall (wait.. make that one I can't find the other one in my desk) from several months ago. I'm going to throw it out now. .1% down. Oh yeah, I guess trash going out would be a good idea right now too.

Yeah, I'm pretty far behind.

I still haven't started my over 100 question Child Psychology final exam. Finals are the week of the 15th (basically 2 more weeks). Nor have I started my list of child observations, my 15 magazine/newspaper articles we are supposed to put together, or have I put together my presentation (probably doing it on child internet safety). I think I probably should I have taken myself more seriously when I considered withdrawing from the course because I knew I wouldn't do anything and I knew it would be a joke. I told myself early in the year that ironically, the "easiest" course for everyone else in the world I would get the worst grade it. It's likely to hold true.

I have a 98 in Calc II, despite not doing any homework seriously since the 6th section of the course. I got an 85 on the last test we had, largely because I tried to prove that infinity^0 = 1 when in reality it is an indeterminate form (11 point problem). I would of known that if I had actually read the part of the book that says that. Luckily she let us go back and do the ones we got points off on and I ended up getting a 92.

I have a ~94 in History 14 (1877+). I got a 95 (-5 points of on multiple choice, essays perfect) on the last test despite not reading the 4 chapters the test was on. I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but the professor has study guide questions on the syllabus to go along with each chapter. I realized after the first test that all these study guide questions were the exact same one that I ended up on the test. He'd ask to identify the leaders of Germany, Italy, and Japan in WWII and then the question on the test would be the match which one didn't belong. Etc. So I got down to a bind a few weeks ago where I procrastinated and didn't have time to do the reading. I think I actually ended up waking up in the morning without impetus and realizing I had to write essays and study after playing Halo 2 the night before (yeah.. my priorities are awesome!). I wrote two pretty good essays by focusing on the sections in the book they were about. Then I went through the chapters and followed the study guide to find all the answers. Boom. Doing the test was harder then it would of been had I read, but it's still amazing.

And then my Sociology class where I have about a 93. This was the class where I thought I failed the mid-term. This was the class where I would have put $1000 down that I wouldn't get an A on that mid-term. I had a quiz on Communist Manifesto/Social Stratificaton, and I didn't even finish reading the Communist Manifesto before the quiz. I would have been pretty happy with an 80ish grade because I didn't think my essay on the Marx theory of capitalism was all that good. Boom. 97. (Although I question the grading of the quiz unless she's got some weird scale I don't know about, I got 93% on the 75% multiple choice and she doesn't have a point listed off for the essay. By my math that's a 94.5 but I don't think I'm going to complain. She'd probably wonder why I would bring up a scoring error that favored me (as many other teachers I've done so to said).

I keep telling people that well, I like BCC, but it's really too easy. I suppose if I had a real Child Psychology course I'd be extended a bit more, but still. The Child Psychology course, although I don't like to say it, is like a joke. I want to learn more than anything (even if I don't seem to outside of class), and I'm not being taught anything in the class. My Abnormal Psych course was similar in that we barely got through half the book. I'd be very tempted to audit a Child Psych and Abnormal Psych course in the future if I had the money to do so.

With that said, I don't know what to do. I went to an "Admissions Information Session" with the director of admissions but was frankly kind of bored for most of the hour and didn't stay after to ask any questions like I wanted to. Admissions is easy, $10 fee waived online, send a HS transcript. Not like I wouldn't get in. I sort of wish I had applied back in December when I did all the course stuff, kind of silly of me not to. It's weird telling people that I'm not enrolled or whatever.

I haven't done anything about transferring anywhere else again. And I'm likely out of luck about that for any schools. As it is I haven't done a FAFSA and I know if I do it's just going to be the same bullshit EFC that I can't afford to begin with. There's a BCC Foundation Scholarship App due tomorrow that I am planning on filling out (tonight, even though I knew about it two months ago).

I'm not even sure I could afford fall semester alone unless I planned on directly paying for it with poker. My taxes ended up +800 overall but that's only because I wrote off my tuition and fees from school while declaring gambling winnings properly including getting raped on MA taxes due to not being able to declare gambling losses. Fuck me for being a goody two shooes.


Sigh. Otherwise life is still a mess. I'm a chronic procrastinator despite being someone who could do almost anything if I put my mind to it.

I've been being lazy in everything, including keeping track of poker (i'm backlogged in my stat tracking for a month or two especially online play). I played two crazy sessions of multi-tabling to clear TightPoker.com's WSOP freeroll over the past month. In talking to bastard I mentioned playing the sessions and coming out just about even between them, losing $100 in the first crazy session and about $100 in the second. Actually, I overestimated, Poker Tracker tells me I lost $146.01 in the first session, and won $77.50 in the second. If this doesn't tell you why keeping track of your winnings is important I don't know what does. They're written down in a notepad in front of me and I over/under estimated my winnings and losses despite them being written down. It's likely I've lost a fair amount of bankroll (300ish at  least) in between the two $100 tournaments, trying to qualifying for a $215 and busting out of a $55 90-player SNG.


Still conversing with Tiffany between classes, still thinking I need to make a move but at the same time still thinking I think too much. I told Emily at work about her after she mentioned how Alison has a boyfriend now (btw, said kid John is that boy, except she told me they werent going out then), and she said the typical (in the typical Ryan doesn't remember exactly what she said paraphrase) "Well you know, if you don't give her your phone number you'll probably never see her or hear from her again, and if you do well, you might know her for the rest of your life or you might never hear from her again." Yes, the more I think about it the more I think it can't hurt. I thinking I should talk to her after class on Friday again (our last class before final is the wednesday after wednesday, but it probably won't be convenient) and slip in my number somewhere.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, life, money, poker, school, t
Current Mood: nowhere fast
Current Music: Internet Radio/Whatever I feel like

I just skipped the first 10 minutes of my Calc II lab to talk to Tiffany after class.

It was well worth it.

After the conversation I said, "I guess I should probably go to class now."

The idea was to make it clear that I talked to her for 10 minutes instead of going to class.

Alright...

Make a move..

--

As an aside, no I haven't actually made a move yet...but I'm definitely thinking I should. I'm wondering what the next step would be and how to approach it. Obviously I should probably try to get her number sometime before the end of class but I'm wondering if I'll probably need to do something else as well. She lives in New Bedford anyway so you know it might not even work out but... if you never try, you'll never know.

I think I'm the one glowing like the sky right now though... Oh so fucking sweet.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Location: computer lab
Current Mood: content
Current Music: professor blahblah

Her name is Tiffany.

The fact that we've actually mutually started conversations with each other before and after class amazes me. Among other things...

Wednesday during class the teacher made a reference to a 3 hour tour and after class she went, "Were you thinking the same thing I was thinking?" "Cause I saw you over there [chuckling] ..." So she has a similar sense of humour and she was actually paying attention to my mannerisms in class...

Today we watched a movie called "Hijacking Fear" in relation to specifically Bush administration and the neo-cons and exaggerations of truth in relation to 9/11 and Iraq, etc. At the end of class I was getting going kind of slowly and she seemed to be waiting for me. As we were leaving we were talking about the film and all and she made some genius comment about how it's like "xxxx meets 1984". I can't remember what she said but it was brilliant. The classroom door was closed ahead of us and I went to open it and let her go through first and it was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't say it. We were still in the class and it felt kind of strange.

As we got to the part where the paths split we both stopped for a few seconds and wrapped up the conversation and went on our sweet merry ways.

In Calculus class we went over Conversions of Series and it was pretty boring because the professor kept getting wrapped up in doing whatever series she was trying to convert. Thinking about her and the last few weeks in regards to whether I might actually have a thing going here made it much more enjoyable.

Oh....man I just want to get to know her better. She probably lives in New Bedford but I don't really care.

There's pretty much only 2 and a half weeks left in the semester though. I think that's the scariest part. Thinking about her is actually kind of relaxing. Thinking that I might actually have a chance and not enough time to find out isn't.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Music: i just want to scream HELLLLOOOO

My sociology professor had us look up a few articles she found, namely The Rise of Fascism in America by Gary Alan Scott, which has a preface from an article written by Chris Floyd.

While I haven't finished reading said article because I have to go work for the bourgeoisie in 30 minutes, here is the preface in it's entirety. It's always nice to read an article from four years ago and realize "Oh shit, that's us!".

Fascism in America won’t come with jackboots, book burnings, mass rallies, and fevered harangues, nor will it come with black helicopters or tanks on the street. It won’t come like a storm—but as a break in the weather, that sudden change of season you might feel when the wind shifts on an October evening: Everything is the same, but everything has changed. Something has gone, departed from the world, and a new reality will have taken its place. All the old forms will still be there: legislatures, elections, campaigns—plenty of bread and circuses. But “consent of the governed” will no longer apply; actual control of the state will have passed to a small and privileged group who rule for the benefit of their wealthy peers and corporate patrons.

To be sure, there will be factional conflicts among the elite, and a degree of debate will be permitted; but no one outside the privileged circle will be allowed to influence state policy. Dissidents will be marginalized—usually by “the people” themselves. Deprived of historical knowledge by a thoroughly impoverished educational system designed to produce complacent consumers, left ignorant of current events by a corporate media devoted solely to profit, many will internalize the force-fed values of the ruling elite, and act accordingly. There will be little need for overt methods of control.

The rulers will act in secret, for reasons of “national security,” and the people will not be permitted to know what goes on in their name. Actions once unthinkable will be accepted as routine: government by executive fiat, state murder of “enemies” selected by the leader, undeclared wars, torture, mass detentions without charge, the looting of the national treasury, the creation of huge new “security structures” targeted at the populace. In time, this will be seen as “normal,” as the chill of autumn feels normal when summer is gone. It will all seem normal.

--Chris Floyd, November 10, 2001 Moscow Times (English edition)

Oh snap.

Tags: bcc, the world

Signs that you're falling behind.

You go to set your alarm clock for the only day you have to wake up at 7:30, and it's still set at 7:30.

I have to keep reminding myself that this semester requiring zero effort is the exception rather than the norm.

Tags: bcc, life
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: big fish eat the little one

The last three Thursdays (not counting vaca) have been kind of crazy because I've done allnighters before all of them. The week before vaca was for Sociology midterm, last week was for Child Psych autobiography I didn't even finish, this week was for finishing the actual autobiography. I'm getting a little too used to it all because I haven't even felt much of my non-drug induced drunkenness. Although it's been pretty easy to ramble without sleep.

This Thursday wasn't too bad because I didn't have class on Wednesday (professional day), so I got to sleep until 12. In Child Psych all we did was watch babies come out of vaginae (which was what we did Monday so I didn't miss much when I skipped).

In Sociology, we had some substitute who gave us a choice to go to the International Fair or to hear him talk about some crap, and the whole class except me wanted to go to the fair so off we went. Most of the people stopped in and then went to do other stuff but some people seemed to follow me around the setup they had, including this one girl.

This girl (of whom I somewhat embarassingly don't know the name of), comes into class late a lot but seems to be interested in the course even though she always sits way in the back corner. So I was just walking by all the tables kind of checking out the fair and her and a few other people seem to just be following me around the place. Among the fun stuff that happened was that she went to go take some chocolate desert from the food area and was like "oh my god this is amazing" and then I went to go get one and a bunch of ladies near there were like "Hey hey hey we're not serving food yet!!" and I kind of felt bad.

So we're wandering around and I'm making small talk kind of pointing out the random kind of nationality stuff although I was probably poking a little too much fun at stuff. For about 15 minutes we're watching Indian movies (dots not feathers) with a bunch of American-like dance musicals and I'm making random sidejokes about danceoffs and the Indian Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears among other inappropriate stuff and I got her to laugh a few times. She talked about how all she really wants to do is not have to work and travel around the world, and I say something about how I don't want to have to work and just sit at home all day. I have a class next hour so I tell her that I'll see her tomorrow and go on about my adrenaline filled day.

The next day in Sociology I tell the woman next to me that there's probably about an 80% chance she's (the professor) here. So she's like, "do you want to bet", and I'm like..yeah one dollar come on even money!. Same random guy comes in from yesterday. I'm telling you i'm a horrible bookmaker guys! Gamble with me! He enthusiastically talks about social stratification for about 30 minutes and I actually learned quite a few things. As "this girl" put it, the quickest explanation of anything ever. He lets us out and all, and I say a few things to "this girl" as we're leaving about the class and yadda yadda.

As we head out she's going out the doors ahead of me and realizes I'm behind her (she was a ways ahead of me and the door was almost already closed) and comes back to open the door for me saying, "after you my dear", which is about the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in a year. I make small talk with her as she's leaving but unfortunately she doesn't have another class and is walking to the parking lot so I couldn't talk very much with her (I had planned to follow her to make smalltalk but I can't follow her to the parking lot).

Yeah, so suffice it to say girl I don't know the name of is this month's crush. She came in Friday wearing glasses despite not wearing them Thursday. She's pretty nice and cute as well and seems to be of the trendy alternative type (although I can't come up with the right adjective) and usually is listening to an iPod when she comes in. I can't for the life of me remember her name namely because she's rarely here for attendance. Seriously, who comes back to open the door for a guy like me saying "after you my dear". If there's one thing that caught my heart it's that. At the same time she laughed at my lame Indian musical jokes, followed me around the fair, and has engaged in conversation between class with me before (like about the allnighter for midterm). Ohhh how fickle am I.


I played poker tonight, a $100 game run by Peter from Kurt's game. There was about 29 people with 4 tables of 8-max. $100 is the highest buy-in I played a live game in so far and I expected the game to be pretty tight. Boy was I surprised when I was seeing 4 and 5-handed flops at a 7-handed table.

( Quick poker recap because I don't feel like writing a lot. )

Oh well, I did feel a bit cocky going in because I felt pretty good about my chances in a $100 tournament with a good structure. I played pretty well but my reads weren't as sharp as they were the last few tournaments. If the guy doesn't flop a flush draw with AK he more than likely folds and I take that pot and have many more chips than I had after the hand.

Tags: bcc, girls, poker
Current Mood: i just lost an hour of my day yeah!
Current Music: howie + playing limit poker for once

pictures blurred in your head
you won't let them win
smash a fist or two
right back and let it in
for the one that you love
is more than them fuck them
think about her now
she's yours anyway

and everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you want
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
break yourself into
a million pieces
so everything else can wait for you
so everything else can wait for you to do this

they will all just go away
all of the demons
enjoy this life right now
you know what you're to do
and letters
yes they matter write her quite a few
and she might love you for it
but you can't count on it

and everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you want
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
break yourself into
a million pieces
so everything else can wait for you
so everything else can wait for you to do this

and i'm screaming for the breath
that makes you alive
you want that girl
for all that you can try
once you have her
i know she'll be so great for you
i know she'll try something
inside yourself

everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you love
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
you should break yourself into
a million pieces
everything else can wait for you
everything else can wait for you to do

I've been playing this song since like last week continuously and I've had it stuck in my head the whole day. The lyrics are just so me right now. So completely.

Last Thursday and Friday were pretty crazy really. I survived my classes, kind of. I was really out of it on the drive up Thursday and I blinked twice and I was like, holy shit, I need to stay awake. Before Sociology I took a jog outside to wake up. I wasn't crazy outgoing but I tried. My mind was pretty crazy. I kept thinking about stuff, like girls and all. But that might have been for different reasons. (How some guys survive without masturbation is beyond me - oh wait, they don't, they rape and murder.)

I got my History exam back. I got a 98 on it. Okay, this was the exam where I read all 4 chapters in one weekend, did essays in typical one night fashion. I can't remember when I got to bed that night but I remember being very glad I could sleep in for two hours due to not having Child Psych that day. I got 100% on the multiple choice and only -2 on one essay. Sick. I can't believe people struggle in this class. All the multiple choice questions are based on the syllabus questions which I didn't even need to answer, just glance over. So easy.

And I got my Sociology midterm back. On Thursday I bet this woman (a soda) next to me in class that she would get double the grade I would get. I realized after the fact that this was a bad bet because I'd have to get less than a 50 to have a chance of winning, but I felt that was quite possible anyway. Anyway, I've been going on for a while about how I do so little work in the class and get such good grades ("I bet you got the only A in the class." "Does a 90 count as an A?" / "I didn't even read most of that second chapter and I got a 98"), I said how I did so horrible on that midterm after I handed it in and all after the allnighter. I pretty much can't keep a straight face whenever I walk into class because she's always like Ryan you suck whenever I go on about my good grades.

Anyway, so this mid-term was easily the worst thing I've written in a while. The last time I said this was in my General Psych class where I wrote two papers in one night, said they were the worst things I've ever written, and got an A+ on both of them. I thought this one took the cake though. It was just so bad and rushed, I wrote on essay in like 45 minutes or less after I realized I had fallen asleep for an hour. I EASILY would of bet like $1000 that I wouldn't get an A on it. There was no way I would get an A on this. No freaking way.

So I get my paper back, I squeeze out the grade and...HOLY SHIT I GOT A 92??????.... WTF.

I still don't believe it. I'm serious here, if someone had offered me even money that I would get an A on that paper I easily could have wagered a $1000. You guys are certainly missing out on some good +EV bets. I am one fucking bad bookmaker.

I read through it during lunch that day and I still think it sucks. I guess I covered some of the key points she wanted, but IMO it was so badly put together it wasn't funny. One of the essays was about the Howard Zinn reading on Columbus/Indians and really on that essay I pretty much stopped abruptly and could of written a load more. And the essay I wrote after falling asleep was the one I supposedly got the best grade on by her system. What a joke, man.

I really should just continue to half-ass everything, read all my readings the night of an assignment, because it's clearly working out just fine.

Otherwise, I still haven't turned in my Child Psych autobiography. I skipped on Monday because I overslept and hadn't done it yet so I didn't think it was worth rushing to go to school and I just wanted another hour of sleep. Kind of lame. History class has been pretty cool lately. As in lectures are pretty interesting - when a 60 year-old man professor starts talking about sex and the class starts laughing...pretty fun). Math still easy but it's got harder after integration by parts. But it doesn't matter, there's only a test this friday on stuff regarding area under curves and volumes using integration, not section 8 stuff.

Girls. Stephanie seems to have got over being sick and I actually heard her talk (to that woman next to me in class). I still have the biggest crush on her, but at this rate I'd go on a date with any girl in the world. There's this other girl who I first saw when I did the math league test specifically when we did the review session, I think her name is Shea. She seemed all the favorite ryan attributes, cute, smart, glasses, etc. I've since seen her exiting the classroom where I have Soc on wednesday, and sitting by the lake on campus reading a book. I stared at her for like a minute while she was reading and I so wished she had looked up. Sigh.

I'm in love with the world
through the eyes of all the girls
who might still be around the morning after.

I just want to be together. With someone. I think the biggest reason though... Is because I might actually have a chance.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Music: Howie Day - Everything Else

Yeah, I fucking hate my Child Psych class right now. So that autobiography we had to do. Due today. It's kind of frustrating because I realize while writing this that first of all it would be really cool to go back and think about my childhood really hard and talk to my mom about what I don't remember or my grandmother or even maybe see my dad for like the first time in 10 years. Then of course, think about how detailed I write in this livejournal. Now, imagine me trying to write an autobiography from childhood to now. Yeah. I wrote 9 pages for Rosa for the catharsis for my college essay and that was just my high school experience. That wasn't doubled spaced either.

So I'm writing it all and I get to like 2.5 pages and I'm still going on about like middle school stuff. I figure I'd have to edit it later anyway. I go on talking about Piaget's theory and realize that i'm like just into the second theory and I've done half a page.

Anyway, I did a little bit between when I started to write this "I give up" post but I think I'm going to just try to hand it in late if she'll accept it, and if she doesn't then I'll just fucking withdraw because I hate this class.

Yeah, so allnighters are fun. And I got about 3-4 hours of sleep the night before. And I need to finish my Derive lab tomorrow, and I need to go get an oil change, and I really want to go play poker at Todd's again. Maybe I should just go for a new no sleep record?

Or maybe I should drive my car off a cliff.

Hmm... decisions decisions.

Tags: bcc, life
Current Music: Howie Day cause I give up

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. wrc score: 18
2. ferrari score: 12
3. f1 score: 10
4. le mans score: 10
5. porsche score: 10
6. babylon 5 score: 8
7. good eats score: 8
8. battletech score: 8
9. formula one score: 8
10. strike anywhere score: 7
11. logic score: 7
12. steak score: 7
13. karma score: 7
14. chai score: 7
15. arguing score: 7
16. chilling score: 7
17. godzilla score: 6
18. motor racing score: 6
19. gambling score: 6
20. alton brown score: 6

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Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::	Elliott Smith
Are you male or female::	Plainclothes Man
Describe yourself::	Pretty (Ugly Before)
How do some people feel about you::	Happiness
How do you feel about yourself::	No Confidence Man
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::	No Name #1
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::	No Name #5
Describe where you want to be::	Easy Way Out
Describe what you want to be::	Junk Bond Trader
Describe how you live::	I Better Be Quiet Now
Describe how you love::	Can't Make A Sound
Share a few words of wisdom:	A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free
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I didn't mention it last few weeks, but I completely bombed my Sociology mid-term. It was due Thursday, I hadn't done any of it before Wednesday night when I tried to do it after getting out of work at like 10:45. I think I got started on it at 2 because I was a lazy moping ass. Three different essays about a page or more each would of been good for each maybe and I did about that for two and then just threw together a third one after I woke up after falling asleep for an hour around 6 or 7 when I had to leave for school for 10. It was completely pathetic and almost sad. I probably have the two best test grades in the class and I will probably have the worst mid-term grade in the class. Sick in the bad kind of way. I can really only blame myself. When I started writing it at 2 I did usual essay panic mode where I don't know how to fucking write a good paper/essay and don't know what/how to write to make it sound coherent. Oh yeah, the mid-term is 25% of the class grade. Wreeee.

I haven't done any kind of homework I had planned for this week. I've almost finished my first history chapter I had to read, and of course essays and test are due Monday. Wreee.

I could say a whole lot more but spring break is probably the worst thing that's happened to me this school year. I have such a horrible work ethic it's retarded.

Tags: bcc, life, meme
Current Mood: crummy
Current Music: elliott smith for once in a while

I'm in one of those bad moods that makes me want to throw my job away. Last two nights have sucked. Since Brandon quit I've been working with random new people that aren't that good or are new or are not used to our Subway yet. I worked with this really really new kid Jason from the other store twice and this Tuesday I didn't get started on bread till 7, and I had to get most of the dishes done after he had left. It wasn't super busy but since he's only been working less than a month I think he's not fast so it's tough to leave him alone out front because if he gets even a tiny line he's screwed.

Then today I worked with Rob who has worked over at the other store for a fair amount of time as well as other Subways I guess. I think he said 5 months at the other store. It's not bad but switching stores is hard because everything is backwards pretty much and in different areas. It's amazing how different two Subways can be. So we actually were pretty busy. I mean, doing 23 and 26 subs in back to back hours isn't crazy busy for two people, but it is if one person isn't super fast and you're actually trying to get shit done that needs to get done. Wasn't fun. I mean, if I were in the mood I could do 23 and 26 subs back to back by myself but when you're actually doing shit it's completely different. So again I didn't get started on bread till 7, got most of the dishes done after 7 and still had to do some after he left (which was around 8 because his ride was late), and I still got out around 10:40 even though I made 4 sandwiches after he left. HKJFHasjkhfksdnfieunfakfnasdklfnaklfjaf. I hate my job.

I'm really tempted to flat out ask Bob for a raise and tell him if he doesn't give me one I'm going to give my two weeks. I can't put up with this anymore. Work was good when I worked with one person who was awesome all the time (and even Brandon wasn't bad by these guys standards), but it's getting annoying. I brought my bookbag the past two days and I didn't even get a chance to do any schoolwork at all. Must have jynxed myself.

Anyway, I didn't even want to work today, I was really really hoping Amy could work for me but she was still sick because I have this essay mid-term due for Sociology tommorrow, I haven't started it at all, there's 3 essays to do that will probably end up about a page each, and I still have to read (I guess) part of the book the essays are on which might take a quick hour. ARGGHHH.

I hate working while going to school. I want to be a real college student and I'm half-assing like every class. I know many of you can do it easily but I fucking can't. I'm not even playing poker that much lately guys! I haven't even had time to clean my room/desk, or install the HD that came in Monday. My beard has grown out a bit more mainly because I'm too lazy to try to trim it down lower. Shit sucks. This is going to be a fun night. Although I don't like energy drinks I bought one at the Shell and hopefully it'll work. I should ask Stephanie out tommorrow after being up for 24 hours as I'm sure to come off as flamboyantly outgoing and with little inhibitons. Yay for non-drug induced drunkenness. Thank fuck I don't have to work tommorrow. I hope.

Tags: bcc, life, work
Current Mood: HKJFHasjkhfksdnfieunfakfnasdkl
Current Music: Brraccee Yourselffff