Here I am, back "home".

I'm essentially, officially graduated college although there's a hold on my account so I can't see my grades--even if I wanted to.

I got a big ass U-Haul truck and finally got all my stuff in it at 8am after spending all night packing away, and then getting back home. Twas a fun, a little sad experience. I almost cried on an on-ramp. Almost.

Now I'm back home with all my stuff. I have to admit that being back home for Thanksgiving was a terrible experience. The only positive thing was seeing my professor from BCC at her house and having a really great chat with her about life. Other than that I would of felt better spending that whole week at Amherst, in my room. My grades might have been better off.

But now that I'm back home with all my stuff, I feel a little tinsy bit better. I'm in the basement, which is filled with crap, the large portion of which is not mine. I've done some quick redecorating so at least I have a place to sleep. Still, this is not home. Home was my dorm room at college for me. I still don't really want to be here. And my family are not my friends.

Whatever, I'm going to relax here for a few weeks, maybe study up on life and basically get things organized. Life would be a little better if I had kept my car, as it is almost impossible to do anything around here without a car, and my parents are being the biggest whiny pieces of shit (and yes, Mom, if you read that, that is what you are being and I don't care if you see that, this is why I'm moving far away soon) about not being able to drive their cars. I have a friend at college who's car I've borrowed more times than I can count right now... and she was always cool about it. Unconditional trust vs. very conditional love... which one would you take?

Well, I had a great end to college. Went out with a really big blast with some of my best friends at Amherst. Grades... eh grades don't matter like I always say. I don't need to work on Wall Street, I had a good enough time at Amherst as it is. Now time to find out what is on the other side of my life.

Tags: amherst, college, life, the future
Current Music: Kid Cudi

I feel miserable.

There's loads of things I need to do, none of which I actually want to do. Especially the stuff that should really get done soon (like now). I could get away with not doing some of it. But I just don't want to do any of it.

But what else is new?

I've spent the past few years fucking everything up.

Last summer, I wasted away my research job with a professor I respect and admire. And she knows I didn't work that hard. Yet I've still kept in touch with her and I still feel bad.

I spent last semester doing not enough work in most of my classes. I could have worked harder. I could have managed my time better. I didn't.

I could have worked harder this semester. I've done about 10% of the reading for one class. I could have done better in my math class. I could have studied for that test, and not got such a bad grade.

I could have actually sent in an application for a few internships. Especially at Upward Bound. It would of been great. But I never finished them, and I never sent them, and I never got them. And now I'm probably spending my summer being an uneducated bum in my parent's basement.

I could actually work hard. I could use whatever knowledge I have and apply it to my studies and do good things. But I'm not.

People work hard here. Really hard. Crazily hard. I have my priorities wrong. I should have quit crew a while ago. I should have admitted when I couldn't handle the workload. I could have got help on it.


There was an event at Hampshire by Richard Heinberg, one of the most well-known writers about peak oil in the U.S., brought here by the aforementioned professor by back home. I heard about it ahead of time and there were numerous avenues I could have told people about it from. I could have posted flyers at all the five colleges. It would of been because of me that my peers would of learned about peak oil, and might have been able to see what will happen in the next few years in a time of resource scarcity.

But I failed. I never e-mailed or told the professors from my political science class who would of probably been interested. I never emailed a few of the groups on campus or friends that might have been interested. I never put up any flyers.

It was well attended. By people not my age. I saw my professor from BCC, and felt mildly embarrassed for how bad I felt, doing nothing.


This is becoming a reoccurring theme. I haven't done my taxes. I haven't done them from last year either. I haven't done my financial aid. I have a 20-page term paper I haven't started, due two weeks from now. I have a few books and articles from one class I'm doing well in, not read. I didn't put up the rest of the posters from the dance club I'm a leader of. I haven't made posters for our end of semester event.

And who knows if I really want to do any of it?

What do I want to do?

I'd like to cuddle up in my bed and fall asleep. Maybe think of my girlfriend in India.

And I'm not really sure I want to do all this work. But I should. I guess.

Tags: amherst, college, stupid me
Current Mood: miserable
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Car Crash

It's almost December at Amherst, and while in some ways it has gone by really fast, in other ways it has gone by really slow.

Academically, everything has gone by so fast and I can't believe there's only a week and a half of classes left after Friday. It feels like I had only just started the semester. The reason it feels like it's gone by so fast is probably because I haven't worked nearly as hard as I should have. While with the exception of my math class, my grades are shockingly decent even though my work ethic is the same as it always has been. 

My Linear Algebra class is, as my girlfriend would say, a disaster. I guess technically I'm failing right now, with a 64 and a 51 on two tests with 65% of my grade yet to be decided (test and a final, counting the 15% my lowest test will get). One of the primary reasons why I'm doing so bad is that I didn't do homework for over four weeks in a row, realizing every time I got to a problem with proofs that I had no idea what I was doing. For the most part I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I think there's hope for me somewhere. I think I did the math and the highest grade I can get if I ace everything is a B, but I doubt that will happen. I think I have to get at least an 80 to still get a C. It's possible, but I need to work a lot harder than I am now.

Socially, have gone by slowly and that's a good thing. I feel like I've been here and around campus forever. I met lots of friends here and my roommate and I get along really well. I do a few different things on campus: crew, IT job, swing lessons, did MassPIRG for a little while. And I found the thing I've been looking for most of my life. A girlfriend. I wrote an entry two months ago about how much I just wanted to be with someone, lie in their arms for hours, sleep in their bed all day, and fall in love. And I have. And it's great. And she's amazing. And it's exactly what I've been looking for.

Unfortunately, a social life is one of the reasons why my grades have fallen and has caused my work ethic to fall to new lows. It's hard to get things done when you usually work on things late at night and instead spend those nights in your girlfriend's bed (my bed isn't nearly as comfortable).

But, it's been an awesome semester overall, as bad as I guess I'm doing here. In my other classes, I have a solid A more than likely in my Computer Science (java) class, probably a B in Logic, and I got a B+/A- on the first half of my Poli Sci term paper. Which really isn't that bad for my first semester at a real college. I don't know if I want to major in Math anymore, since I'm doing so bad in my current class when all I really want to do is teach it. But other than that, things are great.

I still find it a little bit awkward, going to a school that has a little over 1600 students, when I see all kinds of familiar faces yet barely talk to anyone in my dorm except for the two girls across the hall (of which, are my girlfriend and her friend). I feel like I should get to know everyone here, since literally I'll probably see the face of everyone on campus by the end of my stay. It's that small. But I'm still somewhat shy and don't see that happening. And I still sometimes like eating alone, although I enjoy it more when a random acquaintence comes along and I have a friendly conversation with them. It's tricky but I guess that's half the joy of it.

Tags: amherst, college, girls, life, s
Current Mood: happy

I don't have much to say in a public post. Way too much stuff happens here that I don't want to write about in an open blog. In case someone finds that I've written too much. I'll probably write a friends-only post but I feel bad about not writing public posts occasionally.

But I really like this song Then I'll Be Smiling. And I really like it here. I was able to play two of my intramural tennis matches and I won both(6-3, 6-4; 6-1, 6-1). I was better than both of them in the intermediate level, but I think my match tomorrow will be tough.

Crew is crazy hard. And I almost wish I wasn't doing it, but I know I will get better and I know it's worth it. But practices most days from 5-7:30pm are crazy. Takes up a lot of time. We did a race prep on Friday and I did horrible. I got the oar stuck in the water twice and we had to stop and fix it. But it was also very tiresome having to row to the start and row back right away without a break (cause we were slow), and then it was only the second time I rowed the seat I was in and the first time with that group of guys. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done having to keep rowing as a team.

That's a good summary of what's new without any gory fun details. I have my first test in Linear Algebra on Wednesday, and homework due tomorrow that I haven't started and don't really know where to start from. I should get to that now.

As a preview to the gory details : let's just say that Smith girls are interesting. :)

Tags: amherst, college, crew, life, tennis
Current Location: AC Computer Lab
Current Mood: trying to work hard
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Then I'll Be Smiling (http://tinyurl.com/2erjel)

So, pretty much the only thing I like about iTunes is the Shared Music function. It's really awesome being on a shared college campus network and being able to play everyone else's network. Although I wish it was a bit more interactive (like you could send messages to other people's iTunes about what stuff they liked.

Unfortunately, in order to use this/share my own music, I have to abandon Winamp. But I love Winamp, mainly because it's so unobtrusive and compact.

Oh woe is me.

Tags: college, music
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Frou Frou

I think I actually got approved for a loan so I can pay for Amherst. And without a co-signer.

I got the Amherst bill in the mail today, doesn't include financial aid because technically it isn't done yet (almost). So that spurred me to do a few things, like try to actually apply to one of the many private loan options I've found online. I filled out the one on MyRichUncle, but haven't heard back yet, and then I filled out one at CampusDoor and I was apparently pre-approved/approved in minutes.

Wow.

Now, since I didn't apply with a co-signer, I didn't get that good a rate, but apparently my credit was in fact good enough to get a private loan myself. Awesome. The Loan Fee is 8%, and the Interest Rate is around 10%, so it's expensive but it's what I needed and I'm not going to complain. I might fill out a few more and see if I get better rates, but if this actually worked right, and I'm a little skeptical that it did, I may be all set.

I'm pinching myself, and I'm not dreaming. I see no dreamsigns.

While having a better rate with a cosigner would save me some money, it is not only going to save me the stress of asking, I also don't have to worry about having a co-signer trusting in me and I also get to say that I paid for my college education myself.

Wheeeeeeee.

"Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved."

Tags: amherst, college, money
Current Mood: hopeful

It's just so frustrating.

An equally precocious friend of mine I met at BCC who was planning on applying to Amherst but didn't said to me at Awards Night some weeks ago that even his mom was excited about my acceptance to Amherst. I quipped that she was probably more excited about it then my parents were. I wasn't joking.

Life is generally an uphill battle and there's roadblocks that need to be fought through, but I continue to just hit a roadblock time after time and it's mostly my parents fault.

Yes, it's easy to blame my parents. So easy. But that's not why I do it. It's because they continue to be the roadblock to a promising future time after time.

Besides posting that I got into Amherst, I haven't posted anything about it because there's been a quaint uneasiness about the details behind it.

I never filled out the financial aid applications (FAFSA + PROFILE) back in February when they were supposed to be due. At the time there were quite a few problems. I hadn't done my taxes. My parents hadn't done their taxes. I hadn't been in touch with my father in almost a decade and the schools PROFILE wanted a non-custodial parent form. I was busy with schoolwork and tutoring. I didn't actually think I would get into Amherst.

And then I got in. The whole night I was panicing. I just got into one of the top liberal arts schools in the nation and now I may not be able to go because I didn't fill out any financial aid forms. I called them up the next day and they said I could get everything filled out soon and hand it in and still get the same amount of aid because they're rich and have a huge endowment and pay 100% of need anyway. But it was near finals so schoolwork and tutoring was getting crazy, and I still hadn't filled out my taxes.

And I still haven't finished them. My FAFSA is done but the more complicated PROFILE still contains the uneasiness of contacting my aunt who handles my father's affairs and having her fill out a huge complicated financial form.

But why do I have to do them anyway? Why do I have to pay my parents rent when I could have saved about $6000 by now for college. Why do I have to pay my own car insurance (another $4000)? Why did I have to pay for my first car, and pay off part of my parent's inept financial loaning to get my step-brother's old car on the road after mine died ($600+1000)? How come my mother doesn't have anything saved up for college costs, when my late grandmother on my mother's side wanted both my cousin and I to be able to pay for college? Why did she continue to get in the mail useless college savings plans with $100 in them? Why do I have to fill out financial aid forms most of other parents fill out for their children? Why do my parents not care? Why do they seem to not want me to go to college?

When I finished the FAFSA, the expected family contribution was about $24,000. Even if everything worked right, I would probably still have to find $24,000 out of a third-party loan, and my mom probably still can't even cosign because her credit is so bad. Even if I wasn't going to Amherst, I still probably couldn't go to college. An EFC of $24,000 means that no matter what college I would go to, even if it's little State School at $15k or big university or liberal arts school at $25k or $40k, I would still have to shell out nearly all the costs to go there, unless I got a hold of some serious scholarship money (possible option if everything fails me). Who knows how I'm going to find money to pay for another semester BCC if everything else falls through with Amherst.

My mom innocuously complained about me not having a job today when she left for work. Technically I'm tutoring (they know about that) and have a research work-study position (they may not know about that). This is all for crap pay, $7.50 hour. Technically I could still play poker and make more than that much online propping once I build my bankroll back up for paying for everything I shouldn't have to. And technically even I wanted a good job during the summer, it's not going to pay me enough to meet my goals. It's like my parents want me to leave the house at 7am, come home from work at 9pm and be frustrated and miserable while I then spent all my money on material goods. It's like they don't want me to have a future.

I really want to go. The opportunity is amazing. Everyone other than my parents is excited. It's still possible. But it's frustrating me that I can't pass this parental roadblock. After my mom complained I complained about having to now take up a new car insurance plan on new car, and not being able to afford it, and how I'd like to be able to pay to go to one of the top liberal arts colleges in the nation. And it's like she thinks I'm kidding. It's like my own mom doesn't think I'm worthy.

I know she just doesn't get it. Doesn't get college, doesn't get me, doesn't get why I view work differently.

But it's just so frustrating.

Tags: amherst, college, future, life, money, parents, stupid me, thoughts
Current Mood: see above
Current Music: none - I'm reflecting

I miss writing in here.

Wherever I am next fall I want to try to write more LJ posts, because there were times this semester where I could have used some reassurance and some time to sit down and think. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on myself and write less about other people that way I don't end up alienating every new person I meet when I go to Amherst.


As expected, the last few weeks were pretty hectic and as expected, a lot of the trouble I experienced could have been avoided. There was the quote honors project unquote for English 12 that I was supposed to be working on the entire semester with my professor. It consisted of reading Their Eyes Were Watching God and writing a paper comparing the bildungsroman genre that is emphasized in Miguel Street and Tom Sawyer which we also read. I ended up not writing two of the papers I should of in that class, one on Tom Sawyer and one on some reading on nature and a separate writing assignment, and instead of doing that I wrote the honors paper to make up for fucking stuff up the last month or so.

I told my professor I'd work on stuff about two weekends ago, the weekend in between my finals, and I didn't have anything done (I didn't even have the book finished). I told him at the final I try to get it to him and be at school around Thursday, I didn't even have anything written then. I sent him an e-mail telling him I'd have it done by Friday night, and I had about 4 pages written but I wanted to try to get about 7 or 8 done to make up for everything else I didn't write. I sent him the final copy Sunday night. That's a whole week of procrastination over a fairly important assignment, especially when my final was Wednesday and the grades are supposed to be due 72 hours after the final.

Now, I must admit in my entire "academic career", it's really only been the last few months that I've begun to consider myself a good writer. I've felt like a shitty writer ever since Mrs Sutton gave me a crappy grade on something I actually felt was good, ever since then I've felt like what I wrote was shit. And maybe it was. But all through the BCC I've been getting A's on everything I felt was shit. My two General Psychology research papers I absolutely felt were horrible and nearly didn't finish writing, I got both A's (maybe even A+'s). My Sociology 11 midterm I nearly didn't finish and I was willing to bet some serious money on failing, my essays for my History professor who felt I was a good writer, and my English 11 essays. All of these assignments I got basically A's on even though I felt what I wrote was horrible. Same thing with the two papers I did write for my English 12 professor, I thought they sucked, I got them back with lots of scribbles and an A at the end.

So for my Honors Sociology Oil Depletion course, we had to work together on a final group paper describing our "service-learning project", and I started to realize that compared some other people's writing, that yes my writing is actually good. I was in charge of basically taking everyone's writing and putting it together in an outline someone else came up with, so I did some editing and in some instances I had to do a lot, like making complex sentences where only basic sentences existence. In other instances I had to make the connotation and the diction a little more positive. And in most of the other cases the writing was really good, I was just being picky about punctuation and format. But I basically realized that the way I write, it sounds good, it looks good, maybe it actually is good.

So I actually felt that this Honors paper was actually fairly good. It was a little disjointed, because I was supposed to talk about the bildungsroman theme and I got off track and talked about the way gender plays a role in all three books from the bildungsroman perspective, basically taking Hurston's first two paragraphs and looking back at the male-dominated books to see if it's true. I thought it was a good comparison, just not going straight down the bildungsroman theme.

Now, I get a rather caustic e-mail back from my professor on Monday morning, critiquing the paper, saying he was disappointed in it although glad I finished it.

I'm going to quote the e-mail here although I'm afraid of getting in a bit of trouble over it, and I still want to keep this a public entry :

( E-mail )

I felt like my paper was good, and then all of a sudden it sucked. The writing was maybe more uninteresting than other papers I've written, but I tried to be more formal and tried to keep some parallel form between my contrasting of books. I made it long because I could and I felt an "honors paper" shouldn't be just 5 pages in length. I didn't think the court scene was that amazing even he thought it was one of the greatest literary scenes.
I'd read the book before in high school and while the plot of the book I could remember, I couldn't remember the court scene.

Why don't I like it? First, the court scene is hardly necessary, it's clear Tea Cup's death was an accident/Janie's self defense, and second because of that it is clear she is going to be found not guilty. If she had been found guilty, then that court scene would of meant something because it would have left Janie all of a sudden karmicly betrayed by Tea Cup's loving relationship and unfortunate death. NOW, To Kill a Mockinbird's court precedings might be some of the most powerful in literature, I can give you that. And for possibly the same reason Janie's trial is even slightly powerful due to the issues of race. But that trial scene in Their Eyes, you could remove it completely from the next to last chapter and it would not affect the book at all. In fact, I would say it would be better off not in the book because there are some continuity issues. Are all the people at the back of the courtroom against Janie too stupid to realize Tea Cup went crazy and tried to kill Janie? That part doesn't really make sense.

Anyways, Their Eyes rant and English rant over.

I got a B in Physics, really only because one of the things I slacked off on during the semester was turning my Physics labs, and when I asked my professor if I could still turn in some of the ones I hadn't handed in, he set it was too late and I should have turned them in last week. I probably aced the final. Physics was the one course this semester that was a victim to the fact I was doing about 15 hours or more worth of tutoring a week, in classes 17 hours a week, in meetings about two hours a week, and driving back and forth from school 6 hours a week. Unfortunately, it was the one class that I really needed put some extra work into to do well. That and the class that I missed because my car broke was just about everything on a quiz that happened the next week. Oops.

I got an A in everything else, Diff EQs, the Honors class, the Eng12, and my Philosophy class, despite my procrastination. I hope Amherst doesn't get mad I got a B in Physics. I was a little afraid of my Eng12 grade because I think my professor was a tad fed up with my continued tardiness in getting my paper(s) done, and I really hadn't done my fair share of the work in the class.

Sigh. When I don't write a lot in here often, I write a post like this.

So this summer I have a work study position being a research assistant in my Sociology professor's Peak Oil book project, it should be great but I need to start working on it. I have 10 hours a week but there's no set schedule so I'm already behind. I'm also tutoring at least one day a week in Fall River.

I need to turn in the financial aid for Amherst. Apparently they'll still give me money but the later it gets I don't know.

I wanted go to Las Vegas at some point, but my poker bankroll is dwindling. I want to go to Foxwoods soon, possibly this weekend or maybe Friday, and I may try to go to AC at some point too.

I kind of feel like this summer might get a bit boring, but we'll see.

Tags: bcc, college, procrastination, stupid me
Current Music: Willy Porter live

I went to a tutoring conference up at UMass Lowell this Saturday. It was cool and well put together, although I think I expected to get more out of it than I did.

One of the presentations I went to was on tutor burn-out. I went to it because I am very very burnt out. One of the suggestions of combating burn out was to do journaling, and since I haven't posted in a while I've been inspired to post. But I don't have too much to say. Or time to say it.

When I first started tutoring I opened up basically all my non-class hours for appointments. I'm taking 16 credits, which includes a 2 hour physics lab, so essentially I have 17 hours of class. There's a mandated maximum of 20 hours per tutor, so I can't pass that, but I'm come quite close to it sometimes. I've been averaging around 15 hours a week I believe. If I end up getting a lot of no shows every in the week, they jam my schedule up later in the week with appointments. Last week I went from having 3 appointments on Thursday to having 7 or 8.

I'm basically overloaded, and I don't really know what I can do about it. I do enjoy tutoring, and get paid for it. I have a lot of tutees who count on me for help and I'd feel bad if I had to give certain ones up.

Unfortunately, it's basically the reason why I have no time for anything right now, and why some of my recent work has suffered. Granted, I got A's on both the writing assignments I did in a last minute furor, but then I got a 70 on my Differential Equations exam, and an 80 on that Physics quiz (could of been worse). The Diff EQs grade is baaad because I'd really like to get an A and that test is about 10% of my grade (should be 16% but my professor devalues the lowest grade). I have an honors seminar I haven't been doing the appropriate amount of reading on, and an honors component in my English course that I haven't done ANY work on. I have an Exam in English on Shakespeare's Measure for Measure tomorrow and other for in class readings and the movie I don't know anything. And there's a Physics take-home due Wednesday, another Diff EQs exam Friday, and especially for Diff EQs I haven't done any of the homework that the exam is on (which is why I got a 70 on the first exam).

This hasn't helped much, I still feel very tense.

Off me...

I've realized that I really enjoy partaking and listening to human conversation. I had a very intriguing discussion on the ride home from the tutoring conference with the two adult women/moms/students who me and my friend and fellow tutor were riding with. It touched on many different subjects, from professors and classes, to psychological theories, master programs, and parenting. I don't think I would have said this 5 years ago when I was 16 and a pathetic loner. There's a certain human knowledge element of conversations I find interesting. Even if I'm just listening and absorbing as much information as I can remember.

Also, I've "discovered" Pandora, a music matching program that plays streaming audio of the music it matches you with. It's pretty cool, but I don't know if it'll stick. It'd be nice if it'd play in a regular music program rather than the web. And sometimes it's nice to play your own stuff, like live recordings you have over forty gigabytes of.

Sigh. Still tense. I think I'm going to go dance like no one's watching to Maroon 5.

Tags: bcc, college, life, stupid me, tutoring
Current Mood: tense
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Answering Machine (live)

You can get up 3 hours before you have to leave for class and bullshit two writing assignments two nights in a row, but you can't do the same thing and pass a Physics quiz and Differential Equations quiz on the same day when you haven't done any of the homework.

Fuck.



Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tags: bcc, college, stupid me
Current Location: BCC TASC
Current Mood: distressed

Hi.

I was just trying to think about the perfect word to describe where I am right now.

Lost.

It's that limbo between the end of one routine and the beginning of another. Between the end of last semester and the beginning of the next one. Waiting in limbo.

But I'm also lost because I also don't know where to start with writing in here. I must admit that I think I stopped writing for a while because there were certain things I didn't want to admit to myself.

For instance, I was going to start tutoring at the school, after meeting the professor and having a good conversation about things. He gave me some seemingly long winded application type paperwork to fill out, stuff for Human Services, and I put it off and put it off. I really was interested in tutoring for many different reasons, but after a few weeks the papers just sat there and then I felt like it was too late. It had been lingering over me for a while and bothering me. But I was too embarrassed to write about it because I realize how stupid it sounds. I got a call from one of the tutor center coordinators about the tutor application I never filled out and cleared everything up. It took me less than an hour in the computer lab filling out the application.

Things like that have been happening for a while. My room is a kerfuffle. It's mainly left over school binders I have no place for, papers that don't belong anywhere, left over college paperwork from the past few years. The disorganization seems to cause further disorganization in the rest of my life, school, poker, anything you want to imagine.

Right now, my crutch is the Amherst college application essays. I had some very grandiose ideas back when I wrote that last entry. Working on them immediately, doing many drafts, writing several different essays.

I haven't started the three essays. Except for the assignment I had in my English class to write a college application essay. I used the Amherst prompt and got a B- because I didn't care since I knew it wasn't going to be the one I sent. It's bland and harsh.

I said something about how I had a chance of getting into Amherst if the three essays were the three best essays I've ever written. I'm obviously behind the eight ball. But to use a poker analogy, I have outs. Application is due February 1st, and if I actually sit down and write something very soon (like tomorrow), I'll have some good footing to keep reediting and rewriting to write what I need to write.

I won't go into my analysis about the different prompts like I was just planning on. Maybe I'll save that for a later post or I'll write something tomorrow. The prompts are in the application here, if anyone does care. It's basically the Common Application transfer essay which is why are you transferring etc, and two intriguing and thought provoking essay questions in the Amherst supplement (at the end). Those may take some creative writing and thought.

Anyways, I didn't mean to go into my "OMG Ryan, WTF are you doing about essays mode", but truly it's whats bothering me right now. I've given recommendations to four of my professors to send out, who should all be writing me fairly good recommendations, and now for the most part it's up to me. Numerous times they've told me what a good opportunity I have to have the chance to go to this prestigious school and I spend my winter vacation jerking off instead of doing some work. Typical me.

That wasn't all I wanted to write about it, but it's the main thing that's been bothering me.

I've been thinking about the past year, seeing as it's now 2007, and what would sum up the last year. In a word : adultish. I've done a lot of adult things since turning 21 last year. I've gone to Foxwoods numerous times, and seeing as before than I've never really been out of state by myself all that much, it's certainly a change. I visited New York to see the U.S. Open and drank some beers with adult friends in a NY restaurant, went to Atlantic City in November and experienced the joy of Greyhound and. Went to see some concerts in Providence for the first time in a while. And I quit my minimum wage job to play poker for a living.

In the first part of the year, I went to "college" full-time, met some cool acquaintances, and got close but whiffed. I suppose in the scheme of things, 2006 might just be the crossroads of my life. The gap between young Ryan and old Ryan. I don't like the phrase old Ryan one bit, but it's got a pint of truth to it.

So, in terms of what I missed that I hadn't written about in a while, things got hectic at the end of the semester as all the work I hadn't done got piled on top of more work that had to be done. I got lucky in a lot of ways. My calculus professor let me hand in a few labs extra late for no points off, which the rest of the class felt was unfair and I felt kind of bad about it. I had a whole bunch of work I hadn't done in Chemistry, about 6 Labs, my whole lab notebook to write in, studying for stuff, etc.

Actually, the Chemistry final is sort of worth a paragraph itself. The professor is really nice and almost too lenient, and the final was almost like an open book final. There were a few charts in the back we had to use as a reference on some answers, and she also said that we could flip through and find someone if we knew where it was. She didn't make it explicitly open book, i.e. look up whatever you need to, but it seemed like a few people in class were doing that. There was some stuff she didn't really cover at all in class on radioactivity and wavelength equation stuff that I basically thumbed through to figure out how to do, and a few answers where I knew where they were so I figured I might as well find them. So it took a while, but I test got done as I thumbed through the book carefully.

And the day of the Chemistry final happened to contain the funniest moment of 2006 and the most I've probably laughed ever. This requires a bit of set up to explain it.

See, my Chemistry professor has a sort of lisp. She'll explain something and use the phrase "to work with" a lot. It wasn't until about halfway through the class that I noticed this, because one of the girls in class was badmouthing the professor before lab and mentioning "Have you ever noticed how she says "to work with" all the time?". Like 5 minutes into lab, she says it about 2 or 3 times, and I start giggling a little bit, as does this other girl in class who heard the comment out in the hall. I couldn't help but notice it the rest of the semester, and it's strange. It's almost like a defense mechanism for her, because for instance there was one time I walked into one of the other classes' labs to talk to her, and she's talking to some students about something and ends the sentence with "to work with" for no reason.

So fast forward to the last day of class, we're doing presentations of labs we were assigned to, and one of the groups is up there. The guy presenting and doing the talking I've done a few labs with an he's a cool guy, really nice and not the mean spirited type or anything. He's doing his presenting and talking about the experiment. "You do this with the ammonium chloride and put it into the container to work with", and I burst out laughing uncontrollably. I tried not to laugh loudly and control how hard I was laughing, keeping it to a giggle, but it was hard because the other girl I mentioned who had giggled back a few classes ago was laughing as well and we were both looking at each other like, "oh my god that was hilarious". I felt really bad because the professor was sitting right in front of me watching the presentation, and I was laughing pretty loudly. Apparently she didn't notice at all though. But I just kept laughing whenever I would look at the the other girl and I couldn't help it. Eventually I left the room and went to the bathroom to control myself because I just couldn't. I literally kept laughing for a few minutes. Even now whenever I'm thinking about it, I can't help but laugh a little. Most hilarious thing of the year ever.

I know that story probably doesn't make any sense, it was one of those things you just had to be there for, but it was absolutely hilarious. To work with. Tehehe.

But yeah, fun fun.

There was also an English research essay that I did without even doing a rough draft. I kept putting that one off and off. Sociology final, etc. The Chemistry stuff was the biggest deal because it was stuff I should of had done long before. In the end I got all 4.0s except for English, where I got an A-. Still great. I remember when I was waiting for my grades online and looked at the first batch of grades from Calc and Tech and Society, where I got an A+ and A, and I was really excited, and then not nearly as excited to see that I got one A-. I really was hoping to get another full 4.0 to bring my whole GPA up and have a better shot at Amherst, but one A- isn't bad. I've got an A+ in both my math classes and an A+ in the SOC12 class, so that looks good I guess even if it's the same numerically.

That's about it. Nice to get most of everything I've wanted to write off my chest. Good latenight. That's the other part I'm lost about, lately I've been going to bed near this late (this is the latest), and waking up at like 1 or 2pm. Not good. Oh well.

Tags: amherst college, college, life, stupid me
Current Mood: lost

It's yet again been awhile since I wrote in here seriously.

There are a bunch of topics I could write about right now. Poker - my AC trip, recent online play, my deteriorating tournament game. The previous other topics I mentioned which I never talked about. School - whether how bad I've been with work or my possible future prospects for college. About the only topic I can't write about is girls, because lately I haven't cared much. I'm not pursuing Tiffany, and I haven't met any awesome girls this semester. I could write about theories on why/how I'm amiable even though not much has happened this semester.

But the topic I really want to write about is my future college prospects.


For quite awhile my college philosophy has been the means and not the ends. "Stay in school long enough until you figure out how to pay for it," was a theory that I developed last semester when talking to my Sociology professor. I really do want to learn but I don't know what I want to do. I have my ideas based on my current interests, and the leading occupation has been something to do with Math, probably something like being a high school teacher. Granted, with the knowledge I've gained from my Sociology class the last two semesters, an occupation in Math is starting to lose some ground.

Rewind back to last semester. I was supposed to write an essay for a scholarship, the Presidential Scholars Program, where half your tuition and fees are paid or something or other, with the intention of the applicant transferring to a four year school after getting an Associates Degree at BCC. One of the transfer counselors I had talked to previously told me about it, and also told me about some grant that Amherst College was getting to attract community college students. It was the first I had heard of Amherst College and other then a quick browse and hearing about a $40k/year pricetag I didn't look at it very hard.

Fast forward to this semester. One of my professors is a BCC>Amherst College graduate, whom I had last year for US History and this year for a cool Tech & Society class. He talks about the school occasionally and had mentioned how Amherst College was coming to the college and had a special presentation they were doing. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about that presentation when my professor talked about it the next class. Something about 100% financial aid guaranteed (minus the fine print), Amherst pursuing community college students, and how I would be a good fit. Luckily there was a college fair event in a few weeks that a representative from Amherst was going to be at as well.

I actually nearly forgot about the fair, there was an hour before my classes I could go to it and I got up kind of late but got there in time. I browsed some of the other colleges as well, to kind of warm up to looking at Amherst. All the typical schools were there, I checked out MCLA, Clark, UMass Darmouth, and UMass Amherst (probable "safety" school").

Then, I talked to the Amherst admissions representative. When I was thinking about the fair before I got to school, I had worried that maybe I wouldn't get a chance to talk to them, maybe there would be too many people looking at Amherst. Silly anxieties. I talked to the admissions representative for about 15-20 minutes at least, and there was clearly no one else interested. She was a brand new admissions fellow who had graduated a year before and was picked to be the community college transfer admissions officer. I asked a bunch of questions and all the answers and everything she told me made me really interested in Amherst.

It's hard to describe, but afterwards, I had never wanted anything more than I had wanted to attend Amherst College. It just felt awesome. Amherst was looking for talented, highly-motivated, intellectual community college students, and here I was one of those students. Granted, I think I'm on the lower end of their admissions spectrum. Or at least I think so, I may be being a little too humble. As of 22 credits I have a 3.9 (one B+), and I did the rough math and continued 4.0s would raise me up to something close to 3.97. Not a pefect score, but about as close as you're going to get without getting a 4.0. For some reason I believe that not getting all 4.0s would hurt me but I suppose 3 hundredths isn't that far off.

I mean, I think I am what they are looking for. My SAT score (1300) is a little under their freshman applicant range, and while my HS transcript is littered with missing semesters and random sparks of intelligence and advanced courses, and certainly the weakest part of my academic record, I do think I am whatever you want to call me. I've already written too much of this entry in the hubris-person view to admit to being any of those big I or little S words (again).

I'd say the chances are fairly slim to being admitted (they only admitted 19% of applicants last year), but I definitely have a live draw. If I can write three of the best essays in my entire life (yes, they require three essays Ryan, the first is from the common app transfer and the other two from their supplement), and pull out 4.0s for the rest of my college credits, I feel like I have a really good shot.

But unfortunately, while I said in my head I've never wanted anything more, I must admit it's just not following into my work attitude. If it wasn't for my Calculus professor loving me, and my Chemistry professor accepting late labs I wouldn't be on track for a 4.0 this semester. Recent stupid moments included playing Halo 2 for 4-5 hours one Sunday night/Monday night before an exam/essays to be written for my Tech & Society class where I hadn't even read 5 out of the 6 chapters the exam was on. I had to speed read (which actually seemed to work) through a few chapters in order to come close to getting a 95 (including a scale of 5 points). Yes, I take excellent class notes in that class which is why I could do so well but I still need to read the text.

So, next weekend I'm attending their Community College Transfer Day at Amherst. They're inviting community college students up to Amherst for a series of informational sessions, lunch, a dinner reception, and lots of fun stuff. It should be interesting and a lot of fun. I am most looking forward to seeing what the other community college students that are visiting the college are like, and if I have a chance against them in a sea of applications. I imagine meeting a lot of people in the same boat as me and maybe with the same interests/etc. should be pretty cool as well. I'm actually really excited just writing about it.

I must say, I find it quite exciting that I have this chance to possibly attend this forth thousand dollar, fairly prestigious college, especially given all I've been through. Going back to the beginning of my livejournal in late 2003 prior to my senior year of HS, I didn't even have any possible plans for college. I knew it was possible, I took the SATs for my second time, but I didn't think much of it and the score I got. It wasn't until I had begun to talk to teachers about college (well, Rosa) that I realized the possibilities. And after being denied from everywhere worth going, I knew I didn't want to be working in fast-food the rest of my life as Rosa would put it.

And now, after everything, after gradually going to BCC and moving to a fuller than full-time schedule, after not being able to pay for Fitchburg even though I was accepted and all ready to go. After all of that, I have a chance to make something even better of myself at somewhere I couldn't have dreamed of going two years ago? Please. No really, please. I want that chance.

Usually when people ask the question "If you could choose anything in your life to do over again/change, what would it be", I'd answer everything. There are so many things that have gone wrong in my life that to start at one single solitary moment is hard. But if I got the chance to go to this school, and found some calling, experienced an amazing two years of college, and maybe met some future soulmate, well, I might finally be one of those people who answers that they wouldn't want to change anything in their life. I think I would finally see my life in the Frostian point of view, the road less traveled where everything that goes wrong is simply a path to something inevitably going amazingly right. I never thought I would ever think in those terms. That maybe, just maybe, I would want to leave/live my life the same because my past has led me towards path that I am on now and towards the yellow brick road I might actually end up finding. I kind of only have one word to describe this : amazing.


Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So anyways, I'm going up to Amherst on Saturday. It should be a ball. If anyone in Amherst reads this (Kristin?) and isn't busy Saturday night let me know.

Yet again...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"Open your eyes, boy. I think we are saved."

Tags: amherst college, bcc, college, future, school
Current Mood: amazed
Current Music: Internet Radio

I'm a luckbox.

I'm the lazy mofo in the world yet somehow I can get by doing the bare minimum for any of my classes and still not get in deep trouble in regards to grades.

Example : Third week of Chemistry class, I haven't done any reading yet, there's a Lab due that I have to print out a cover page and make a graph (lab report is already done for us). I fall asleep after poker the prior night and don't do anything I'm supposed to. I try to make the graph in OpenOffice and it won't work like it's supposed to. I don't do any reading or print out the previous lab and copy it into my lab notebook. Between the break of class and lab I have enough time to print out the necessary graph in the library and all is good. I do decent on the quiz we had in class that I didn't study for and the lab works out okay.

Another example : On Monday after Foxwoods, I fell asleep at 3am after I got home without doing anything. I promised myself I'd do the work I needed to do for Monday after I got home from Foxwoods but I lied. I wake up at like 9am or something, an hour later than I'd like to. I didn't get any of the stuff done for English I needed (paragraph about essay, notes on a Chapter to read). We aren't quizzed on it and I didn't need to hand in paragraph. Previously I had a situation where I didn't finish a journal assignment and had a sick feeling he was going to look at them over the weekend but I was wrong and I got lucky to get away with that.

Same thing with my Calculus labs, last week I didn't finish them on Friday and my professor likes me so I told her I'd hand them in on Monday, I didn't even finish them before class but I gave them to her after class on Monday after I finished them in the lab. Not sure if they'll be late but I don't think they will be.

Something is going to have to change eventually though. I'm the laziest SOB in the world and I just keep getting lucky to get away with it. I actually would really like to get another 4.0 this semester but it's never going to work if I keep doing this.

So far Chemistry is nice, it reminds me of why I liked HS Chemistry, although I think I hate doing labs because of the uncertainty of screwing something up. I like the math behind anything more than the experiments. We had a placement exam sort of thing with a bunch of algebra and chem stuff on it and it was actually a lot of fun I thought, stressing my brain out on stuff I barely remember.

Otherwise I think I've just gotten used to the lameness that is BCC for a while. I don't feel as bad about my classes as I did, but they're not super awesome still. My Monday night course isn't bad with my Hist professor from last semester. The topic is interesting although the class is ultra small (6ish). Soc is getting interesting, need to write a draft of an essay due tommorrow for English (awesome! :|), and Calc is Calc but at least it's Math.

I might be tutoring over at the TASC. Right now the guy from the Attleboro center has some people who need help in MTH 31 which is "Modern College Mathematics". It's a bunch of stuff I should know if I study it, basically Pre-Calc/Trig kind of stuff, but I'm not super confident I can tutor stuff about matrices and the "Simplex Method", whatever that is. I mean if people need help on the quadratic formula that's one thing, but some stuff I may not be much help with/a crappy tutor. It's a little weird. That and even though they say they need tutors it doesn't seem like they do.

I've always been thinking about what to do after this semester. I'm thinking I really want to get out of here ASAP. The quicker I move to a real college I think the better off I will be. I mean, I've already wasted enough time here to begin with when I think I would of been better off going anywhere else. I've been thinking of moving to Fall River to make commuting a lot easier but I'm not even close to planning that yet.

Sigh. Other random thoughts.

I think I saw Tiffany walking a ways in front of me after I got out of class. It was actually sort of a bad beat because I got out of class early but mosied around before leaving the building I was at. It very well may not have been her but the way she walked/moved, seemed like it might have been her.

No real awesome girls in any of my classes. A few hotties and a few interesting/smart girls but nobody truly awesome. I was lab partner with this girl who was kind of cute and seemed pretty smart the first week but changed partners cause I thought she was partnered with someone else the second week. Bad read.

I'm starting to think I should try to sign up for one of those dating services and go on a date with someone/anyone. I suppose I would compose myself better in a one-on-one date I was forced to go on rather than trying to find someone I like and could get the courage to ask in society. I'd really just like a girl who was somewhat like me who I could exchange thoughts and intellectual conversation with, and maybe have fun and play games with. Someone set us up the girl!

Tags: bcc, college, school
Current Location: school computer lab
Current Music: 1.fm

So I'm well into the finals grind. Except my final exam grind is stuff that everyone else did months ago.

I'm about 37% through my Child Psych final exam. To recap, it's a take-home thing that we got during the first few weeks of class which consists of 119 questions but many of them are simply asking to define many terms, so all the separate questions actually total up to 198 questions, and I'm through 72 of them although only 26 real questions. I'm actually through most of the easy definition sections and many of the next questions might take a tad more thought to answer, which is a little scary considering I had the whole day off and only got through about 27% of the exam since I had about 10% already done or so. I've kind of been reminding myself that this is my punishment for not doing any work during the semester and feeling as free as a bird while I concentrated on other things like playing poker and stressing out about other less/more important stuff.

At the same time, I still have Sociology and Calc studying to do, Sociology which consists of reading two chapters I haven't read that one question on the final exam essays might be about and just going over stuff/rereading stuff I never read to begin with. And then Calc kind of consists of doing work on everything I haven't done anything on at all, like about all of chapter 9 regarding series, sequences, convergence of series, tests, maclaurins and taylors, etc, etc.

At least I don't have to do anything for History. That's right. I'm exempt from the final because I have an A average for the class (and all you actually needed for that gift was a B- on). I pondered taking it to get an A+ (as my professor thought I was crazy when I asked for the essays for the test) but have since realized I'm retarded and an A is still a 4.00. It's a good thing too because I couldn't see myself doing that and all this stuff for Child Psych. Yeah...I still have those observations of children and articles to find for Child Psych too..wheeee.

So, I have Sunday free although it's already 5am Sunday right now and I haven't gotten any sleep, and Monday I have the morning free and my Sociology mid-term on Tuesday while I have the night off from work. The stuff for Child Psych is due 10:15 (although the professor preferred it much earlier....she can screw). If you get off on teaching anything of substance most of the semester and complain about having to read over a 119 question final exam in 72 hours as well as two other assignments you assign that are 25% of the grade, that is not my fault professor.


On Wednesday after class I attempted to solve some of my issues with immunization holds not allowing me to register, and I passed the office of the transfer advisor I talked to at the Attleboro Campus who was very informative and good to talk to and was nice, compared to the advisor I talked to when I wanted to talk over my schedule that fall. It was all out of blue although I had wanted to talk to her the week prior or so about advisement but I chickened out. She was busy but said could meet with me in a bit and I ended up going over my whole situation and clearing a lot of stuff up about school and all. She referred me to the Presidential Scholars Program which is some type of scholarship where you get half off tuition and fees for a year at BCC provided you meet some requirements and plan on transferring to a private institution. It's meant for high school seniors going right into BCC but she talked to the woman in charge of it and said I could just get some recommendation from a professor/HS teacher. I'm a little skeptical of getting into this program given that it seems more geared towards like I said people directly out of HS and I'm 2 years removed, but half of tuition and fees would definitely help me pay for school the next two semesters even if I don't get anything out of the BCC foundation app I filled out.

Oh yeah, the essay prompt for it is awesome : "If money were no object and if you would be automatically admitted, where would you choose to attend college and why?". What is somewhat amusing to me is that the college I always sort of admired since I was about 12 (or when I simply started playing netrek hockey) wasn't the first one that came to my mind. And literally about five popped in my head the moment she told me that was the prompt... Harvard...no....Clark..no...Hampshire..no...Fitchburg...no... To think that I forgot my stupid 8th grader dreams so soon was kind of weird. Although I'm not exactly sure how I explain wanting to go to MIT after playing an online computer game for most of my adolescent life in a 500 word essay explaining how it was all because the server the game was on was at MIT. Dork.


I also ended up going back to high school firstly to get some high school transcripts printed out but also to hi to teachers. I ran into Izzi in the hallway and talked about my way too easy Calc II class including me not doing any homework since the 6th section of the class. I could feel her cringe at the thought. I chatted with Shirman about BCC and all the typical stuff and she said I looked good and although I don't think she used the exact terminology, said I looked "adultish". And I left a note on Cohen's board along with S (x arcsin x)dx. I might have forgotten the dx though (-1).

The next time going back to pick up my transcripts I went to go see Sawyer and him and Rosa were talking - two birds with one stone. Asked Rosa if she could do a recommendation for me for the BCC program thing, talked about BCC stuff. Realized that after going through my thought processes regarding last semester at BCC, I don't have all that much more to say. Rosa said I looked "handsome" which along with "adultish" would be the two words I would have least considered myself. That and Sawyer could see me getting my Ph.D some day. I could agree with that more than the prior two.


Regarding being "handsome", for those who were curious about making a move I've kind of flunked. The Friday I planned to do something I left class and didn't wait up for her for some stupid reason. It's probably about the first mistake I feel I've made in regards to Tiffany. I don't know, it was part me not feeling like trying to do anything and also people were entering from the next class kind of quickly and we were both taking our time. On Wednesday, our last class, I wrote down my name and number on a post-it and put it in my pocket just in case. She didn't show up to class. Part of me hopes that on the final, we both finish at the same time, start talking, I ask her out to go get something to eat and she's not doing anything and we live happily ever after. It'd be excellent timing too because I have the night off, the final is at 2:45 and 2 hours long.

I've talked to several people about her like Emily and Amy and Cindy from the Shell felt she was certainly flirting with me when she made that comment that's had my heart ever since. I'm not really sure what she actually sees in me if that's the case but with outside confirmation that I look "handsome" maybe that's why. Will I miss her if I never see her again? Yes. .... I suppose that's really all the reasoning I need to approach her... there's no analyzing it. Reasoning is one thing though.... doing is another.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, high school, life, t
Current Mood: strung out
Current Music: internet radio probably howie in a bit

Do you ever feel like you're missing something? I guess I do all the time. Like there should be something more than this.

Lately I've just been really bitter over my Child Psychology class. I really should of dropped it in the beginning of the year because I knew I wouldn't do the long-term stuff like a normal person. It just frustrates me that all the class is have fun, no learning, and that the grade is based on all this stupid shit I haven't done when if all we had our grades on was tests I'd get an A easily. It's very frustrating and like I said, makes me really bitter. I don't really want to have anything to do with psychology regarding going into psychology after this. I've had two somewhat frustrating non-intro psychology courses in regards to learning stuff and the class/professor.

At the same time, it's like I'm the only one who thinks this way. We did our teacher evaluation and I gave her a pretty poor grade while going through everything while everyone gives her excellents on everything without even caring. I didn't have much time to write a written comment other than "Really nice professor but not having tests are stupid and long-term assignments are stupid." Grrr.... I'm just very bitter about it all.

I didn't do much of the long-term final exam at all Saturday or Friday or Wednesday like I had planned to, go me. It's essentially 198 questions (counting like defining terms and stuff), and I've done 22. I got about 10 done outside today between classes in an hour, so not a bad rate. I do believe I can get it done as well as the other stuff I'm supposed to do (observations and magazine articles) by the final date.

I'm just so bitter. It's like if my Calculus class had no tests but you had to do homework problems for every section and hand them in for a grade. I have a 98 in Calc class and I haven't done most of the homework we were supposed to. ARFGGH.

But otherwise I mean, the school year has turned out kind of well. My US History 1877+ class was a lot better than I expected it to be whereas I felt it might just be boring at the beginning of the year. The professor for the class was great and I really enjoyed the class and learned a lot, especially in the later half of the class about many of the topics. He's a great lecturer although to others he was probably really boring, I just enjoyed watching him talk about different subjects. I may take a class with him in the fall, maybe the US History to 1877 class but I think early US History might actually be boring. He also has a Technology & Society class that definitely looks interesting.

And my Sociology class has really inspired me to do something. I haven't written a post about what I've learned about peak oil yet but I've really been meaning to for a while. Yes the professor seems out there in regards to it wasnt what I expected in a Sociology class, but I've learned a lot of things about the current world we live in that makes me infuriated. Especially in regards to terrorism (especially US terrorism), war and why muslims/arabs hate us, the current administration and neocons' uniilaterism, and peak oil.

One of the things that worries me about knowledge is that you can never know if what anyone tells you is fact. It does bother me a little in regards to some subjects in my Sociology class that they are quite controversial and can possibly be misinformed or wrong.

I got a little off track but I don't feel like writing too much more or not posting this.

Tags: bcc, college, life
Current Mood: bitter
Current Music: another howie show I downloaded

I used an analogy a while ago to point to how far behind I am in life.

I'll use another one.

Your room/desk (for those who don't live with your parents, your house) is a good sign of how far behind you are. Lately It's been the worst it's ever been in my life. It's bad when a week goes by and you still haven't finished putting all your laundry back from the last time you did laundry, and have to do more laundry. I've always had really old school papers lying around my room for no reason, and such is still the case. I have two bags of candy from the mall (wait.. make that one I can't find the other one in my desk) from several months ago. I'm going to throw it out now. .1% down. Oh yeah, I guess trash going out would be a good idea right now too.

Yeah, I'm pretty far behind.

I still haven't started my over 100 question Child Psychology final exam. Finals are the week of the 15th (basically 2 more weeks). Nor have I started my list of child observations, my 15 magazine/newspaper articles we are supposed to put together, or have I put together my presentation (probably doing it on child internet safety). I think I probably should I have taken myself more seriously when I considered withdrawing from the course because I knew I wouldn't do anything and I knew it would be a joke. I told myself early in the year that ironically, the "easiest" course for everyone else in the world I would get the worst grade it. It's likely to hold true.

I have a 98 in Calc II, despite not doing any homework seriously since the 6th section of the course. I got an 85 on the last test we had, largely because I tried to prove that infinity^0 = 1 when in reality it is an indeterminate form (11 point problem). I would of known that if I had actually read the part of the book that says that. Luckily she let us go back and do the ones we got points off on and I ended up getting a 92.

I have a ~94 in History 14 (1877+). I got a 95 (-5 points of on multiple choice, essays perfect) on the last test despite not reading the 4 chapters the test was on. I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but the professor has study guide questions on the syllabus to go along with each chapter. I realized after the first test that all these study guide questions were the exact same one that I ended up on the test. He'd ask to identify the leaders of Germany, Italy, and Japan in WWII and then the question on the test would be the match which one didn't belong. Etc. So I got down to a bind a few weeks ago where I procrastinated and didn't have time to do the reading. I think I actually ended up waking up in the morning without impetus and realizing I had to write essays and study after playing Halo 2 the night before (yeah.. my priorities are awesome!). I wrote two pretty good essays by focusing on the sections in the book they were about. Then I went through the chapters and followed the study guide to find all the answers. Boom. Doing the test was harder then it would of been had I read, but it's still amazing.

And then my Sociology class where I have about a 93. This was the class where I thought I failed the mid-term. This was the class where I would have put $1000 down that I wouldn't get an A on that mid-term. I had a quiz on Communist Manifesto/Social Stratificaton, and I didn't even finish reading the Communist Manifesto before the quiz. I would have been pretty happy with an 80ish grade because I didn't think my essay on the Marx theory of capitalism was all that good. Boom. 97. (Although I question the grading of the quiz unless she's got some weird scale I don't know about, I got 93% on the 75% multiple choice and she doesn't have a point listed off for the essay. By my math that's a 94.5 but I don't think I'm going to complain. She'd probably wonder why I would bring up a scoring error that favored me (as many other teachers I've done so to said).

I keep telling people that well, I like BCC, but it's really too easy. I suppose if I had a real Child Psychology course I'd be extended a bit more, but still. The Child Psychology course, although I don't like to say it, is like a joke. I want to learn more than anything (even if I don't seem to outside of class), and I'm not being taught anything in the class. My Abnormal Psych course was similar in that we barely got through half the book. I'd be very tempted to audit a Child Psych and Abnormal Psych course in the future if I had the money to do so.

With that said, I don't know what to do. I went to an "Admissions Information Session" with the director of admissions but was frankly kind of bored for most of the hour and didn't stay after to ask any questions like I wanted to. Admissions is easy, $10 fee waived online, send a HS transcript. Not like I wouldn't get in. I sort of wish I had applied back in December when I did all the course stuff, kind of silly of me not to. It's weird telling people that I'm not enrolled or whatever.

I haven't done anything about transferring anywhere else again. And I'm likely out of luck about that for any schools. As it is I haven't done a FAFSA and I know if I do it's just going to be the same bullshit EFC that I can't afford to begin with. There's a BCC Foundation Scholarship App due tomorrow that I am planning on filling out (tonight, even though I knew about it two months ago).

I'm not even sure I could afford fall semester alone unless I planned on directly paying for it with poker. My taxes ended up +800 overall but that's only because I wrote off my tuition and fees from school while declaring gambling winnings properly including getting raped on MA taxes due to not being able to declare gambling losses. Fuck me for being a goody two shooes.


Sigh. Otherwise life is still a mess. I'm a chronic procrastinator despite being someone who could do almost anything if I put my mind to it.

I've been being lazy in everything, including keeping track of poker (i'm backlogged in my stat tracking for a month or two especially online play). I played two crazy sessions of multi-tabling to clear TightPoker.com's WSOP freeroll over the past month. In talking to bastard I mentioned playing the sessions and coming out just about even between them, losing $100 in the first crazy session and about $100 in the second. Actually, I overestimated, Poker Tracker tells me I lost $146.01 in the first session, and won $77.50 in the second. If this doesn't tell you why keeping track of your winnings is important I don't know what does. They're written down in a notepad in front of me and I over/under estimated my winnings and losses despite them being written down. It's likely I've lost a fair amount of bankroll (300ish at  least) in between the two $100 tournaments, trying to qualifying for a $215 and busting out of a $55 90-player SNG.


Still conversing with Tiffany between classes, still thinking I need to make a move but at the same time still thinking I think too much. I told Emily at work about her after she mentioned how Alison has a boyfriend now (btw, said kid John is that boy, except she told me they werent going out then), and she said the typical (in the typical Ryan doesn't remember exactly what she said paraphrase) "Well you know, if you don't give her your phone number you'll probably never see her or hear from her again, and if you do well, you might know her for the rest of your life or you might never hear from her again." Yes, the more I think about it the more I think it can't hurt. I thinking I should talk to her after class on Friday again (our last class before final is the wednesday after wednesday, but it probably won't be convenient) and slip in my number somewhere.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, life, money, poker, school, t
Current Mood: nowhere fast
Current Music: Internet Radio/Whatever I feel like

Class went fine on Wednesday. Professor lectured and it was fun. Nobody brought up the paper except out of class, and I was relieved to know that I'm not the only person who was going crazy regarding the article and paper things. I talked with one of the girls in the class and it sounded like she had the same problem with the whole article issue that I was going crazy about. It's good to know that I'm not alone. Don't know if/when I'll actually work on the paper, but we'll see.

On Monday I went to see the transfer advisor. She was nice and I explained my college story and she commiserated with me regarding things like the stupidity of the FAFSA when your parents aren't going to pay for college anyway. She understood how I really just want to go to college and live there instead of commuting. It also seemed like it isn't often she gets someone like me with 1300 SAT scores, a 5 score on an AP test, aceing placement tests where being at a community college is more of a formality.

In true Ryan fashion I can't remember all the good ideas she gave me, but things to consider:
- Taking a course at CCRI is still more expensive then BCC, even with health insurance.
- Maybe I should go to UMass Amherst/Darmouth if I'm going to be a Math/Computer Science major rather then Fitchburg?
- Try to get back on my parent's health insurance via being a full time student?
- BCC is cheaper then state college costs, more credits I take cheaper the better (although at this rate I'll take as many courses as it takes for me to get an education)
- Commuting really doesn't have to be that bad.

So I think really my best bet is to continue at BCC for the spring. Lots of different reasons, mainly due to logistics of it all. I'm trying to come up with a schedule centered around Calc II which I can take MRF 11-11:50 and W 11-12:50. I found a Sociology class 10-10:50 those days which would be fun. This is all at Fall River. As I write this though I get a bit anxious about the shitty commute. I took 195 into New Bedford for Jury Duty and it wasn't too bad but I wouldn't want to do that ride through shitty East Providence 4 days a week and back. The other thing I didn't think about regarding commuting is the extra gas I'll have to spend. That might bring the cost up a bit. Sigh.

On to other thoughts for now...

My headphones I've had since forever, that Larry bought me many Christmases ago finally bit the dust. The connector got bent, I tried to bend it back and it had a lot of trouble getting sound through the left speaker. Tried to fix it in several ways, including splicing wires from another connector but no go. R.I.P. Labtec LT-820. I have a bid on another pair on ebay for $10 including shipping. Although I'm having withdrawal already, those headphones have been more useful then my actual speakers and I don't know how long I can live without them. I actually felt kind of spoiled not having to listen through speakers and having excellent headphones.

I'm being extremely lazy tonight and other then breaking my headphones I haven't done much other then that. Wanted to play poker but didn't. When will I ever play online poker again? Been playing WRGPT and bluffed off a pot against a weak player when my all-in on the river wasn't called. I'm raising again on the current hand and we'll see if I can go bust this time.

Still haven't mentioned interesting poker hands, maybe tommorrow, I don't know. Tommorrow I don't know what I'm going to do but if I don't get kidnapped I might do Econ homework early for once or sit and play poker all day. Liz from Shell gave me her phone # and said I should call her if I ever want to go to a party. Tempting to do that too. I need a cellphone.

Tags: bcc, college, life
Current Music: none because no headphones :(

It feels like forever since I wrote a meaningful post. I suppose there's a lot of stuff that's happened and of course in true me fashion I wish I could remember everything but I can't.

School is still going. I'm doing great in Macro, A+ for a mid term grade (although we had no real mid term test), and I think did really good on the test I took today. Class is still pretty fun, Mullaly is still a dry riot sometimes.

Abnormal Psych on the other hand, not too awesome. I got weak grades, 80 and 75 for the intro paper and the abstract article we did and 96 on the test. Last test we took was pretty good for me I think, it was almost totally multiple choice which was a relief because I didn't feel confident on an essay. Unfortunately there's more long-term stuff to do. I think there's a position paper to write again or we have to do the article, I'm not sure he made reference to the article last class but not the position paper so I'm kind of not sure what we're supposed to do.

I was able to get an appointment with a transfer advisor at school today for 5:30 and get the time off from work. I thought I wasn't going to be able to because all the spots filled up but luckily there were still spots left when I went in today.

So I'm really still not sure what to do. I've looked at CCRI, and I also just looked at RIC because I could get reduced out of state tuition. CCRI would be out of state rates. I've been thinking about RI schools because that would avoid me from having to pay for health insurance.

The problem is of course, I don't want to commute (far) and to get the courses I want at BCC I'd have to go to Fall River at least for say, Calc II or Philosophy or something I really want to take which is 30 mins driving away. CCRI Lincoln campus and RIC are actually about 20 minutes so it wouldn't kill me every day. I suppose I have too much hatred towards commuting. I would just much prefer to walk to class and not have to drive 30 minutes + to get to class, especially if I had to go there for a short class.

My car still half sucks and is half okay. Me and Larry (mostly Larry) fixed the heater valve which caused my engine to overheat and blow radiator fluid everywhere a while back. So I have heat again. I fixed my leak somewhat so it doesn't completely suck anymore when it rains. It still stalls intermittently probably because it needs a new fuel filter, which I bought, but don't want to put in because I'm lazy and because I don't want to screw it up. I don't like working on cars and this family has too many people working on cars. It needs an oil change anyway and if they charged me $30 more to put a fuel filter in the car I'd be happy as long as it worked.

Other than that, played more live poker, haven't been playing much online. Won last tournament last friday, played a bunch of interesting hands in that one and not so much the first few. Didn't talk about last friday but I'll try to write about poker later. I moved all my statistics to PokerDominator.com a while ago and their server crashed taking a bunch of data with it and their backup is from october first. Luckily I hadn't been playing much in october so I really didn't lose too much, but it still blows and I still haven't updated my sessions. PokerCharts does claim they're the most trusted, but PokerDominator has a lot of nice features I liked and is technically free which is why I switched. PokerCharts wasn't worth my $20 I spent.

Tags: bcc, car, college, poker
Current Mood: was kind of crummy, now okay

I was thinking earlier today about what I'm going to do next semester.

I'm enjoying the two courses and at this rate presuming I don't fall flat on my face for some reason I'll probably ace both courses. Don't I sound cocky? Ohhh what success does to you.

Anyway, I got some big choices ahead of me. I want to take more courses/work less this next semester. I suppose I could do the two class deal again but I'm really enjoying the stuff and I wish I was taking a few more courses right now instead of just the two.

Of course, didn't I want to go to Fitchburg? Yeah, I did, I've said since like 2003 I don't want to commute and here I am commuting. I'm not sure if going to Fitchburg is the right move for next semester. Obviously if I go there I'm living there, and that adds money to the process. But really for only a spring semester it would probably be only 6000+. I think if I go to BCC for 4 courses I'd be up near 3000 [450 x 4 + 1200] including insurance the big joker in the picture. At that rate, double the money and I could just go to a state school, and when you consider I will probably get one small federal loan for 1.2k-ish (I already got a Award Letter for spring from Fitchburg), I might as well take the jump for a semester.

The other problem is still money. I may not be able to pay for a semester at BCC alone still. I've got like 1.5k saved up right now (not counting poker) which is a lot but car insurance will be upcoming and that will hurt the bank account. So even if I decide to take all the courses at BCC I may not be able to afford it. Sigh.

It's also tempting to try to go to CCRI instead of BCC (I guess the Lincoln campus isn't too far away from here, which might be a good choice if they have classes I actually want to take), or to actually commute to a state school from here, even though I really don't want to. BCC also has an Honors program which I think would be a good idea to take part in. I mean shit, if I continue running good grades wise, a school's got to give me something don't they? Maybe I should even try getting into a Private school to take advantage of that (because supposedly Private schools give more money).

Hmm.. Anyone got any bright ideas? (That means you.)

Tags: bcc, college, life, money
Current Music: Last Train Home acoustic

I'm thinking I will definitely probably take a few of those courses. I've registered online (online registration - sweet) for Economics, Sociology, and Abnormal Psych, just have to confirm it, and I may take one of the others ones too. Maybe the Computer Information Science course, but it might be a remedial course (because the CIS major doesnt even list it), or the History of Music course maybe, I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, if I take 9 credits or over, I have to have health insurance. This is fine and dandy if I'm already paying 5k a semester, but when health insurance doubles your bill, it's a little more of an annoyance. As it is it would of been like 1k for the 3 classes, but health insurance jacks it up to like 1.8k. Not cool, health insurance.

But then if I take all these courses, when spring comes around I may find myself in the exact boat as I am this month and get the same I don't want to take these courses I want to take them at Fitchburg feeling. If I was going to do nothing and just save and keep Subway job I would probably end up with $2400ish to pay for college if I had to, but if I go to school I end up with the same +$1000 I am now.

I hate decisions.

In other news, my mom found $200 in savings bonds for me. Sweet. If only $200 was worth as much as it was 15 years ago though.

I've been thinking about my college "plan" (I'm actually thinking ahead right now), I'd love to double major Computer Science/Math with minors in Psychology and Philosophy. It'd be perfect but the course load to complete all the requirements might not work in four years. With this thought I'm thinking about my schedule and looking at filler courses that might not work if I need to compress all my classes into those four concentrations. Like Economics and History of Music probably wouldn't satisfy any requirements in those fields. But they are still things I would find interesting and worth taking.

Okay, I will return you to more interesting livejournal entries.

Tags: bcc, college, future, money
Current Music: nothing actually

Do I really want to take courses at BCC this fall?

Here's what interests me on the Attleboro schedule...

Economics - Macro (M 9-11:40)
US History - same thing I was going to take at FSC (M 12:30 - 3:10
History of Music I (R 9-11:40)
Intro to Philosophy ..but it's R 4-6:40 and I don't want to request Thursdays off just for school
Child Psych MW 9-10:15, but it overlaps with other things i would like to take
Abnormal Psych W 12:30-3:10
Sociology M 12:30-310

There are Computer Information System courses, but I'm not sure I want to take those, and there are English courses, but I don't know if I could transfer my Fitchburg placement score and just take English II, and in those regards, I'd like to take them at Fitchburg.

If I took 3 courses or more I'd have a good amount of credits for half a semester of school.

But I'd also have to pay for these courses out of pocket, maybe I could get the payment plan again, although I might save money by using poker money to pay for it. But then I'd have less money to try to pay for a semester at Fitchburg (although per credit it should be cheaper).

I'd also be interested in taking something like Physics or Chemistry, but they're at Fall River and I'm not driving to fall river for 50 minute courses.

Hmm hmm hmm...decisions decisions.

Tags: bcc, college
Current Music: little league world series

I asked Debbie about her and Gary cosigning for the loan and they couldn't do it, I won't go into the reasons why here, but I completely understand why they don't want to cosign for me at the moment. Maybe in the future.

So I called Fitchburg to withdraw on Friday, forgot to leave a note for my boss on Saturday and I'll probably call him up or leave a note today when I go in. I just hope he doesn't like not put me on the schedule because I forgot to tell him, but hopefully everything will be okay.

Obviously this really sucks, and I am a tad depressed about the whole situation. There are certainly some positives to not going to school right now though.

For one, I get to play poker with this group on Friday for the whole fall. It's a cool group, Kurt's an awesome host, everyone is years older than me and I'm kind of like a young punk but I'm enjoying it and learning a lot playing live poker on a regular basis. There's a whole points system, and a big winners freeroll tournament at the end of the year and I've already won a tournament. So I'm looking forward to having something to look forward to every other Friday night, and I definitely want to ask Bob for always having Fridays off. I'll also get to play more of the Sunday $40 tournaments in East Providence. I'm bound to cash big in this tournament eventually with the weak field.

For two, I won't have to leave my lovely cats. I was going to miss them going to Fitchburg, but now I get to sleep in my own crotchy bed and room and enjoy my cats.

Wow..what were the other positives I was thinking about?

I'll be saving a lot more money now that my car insurance is paid off for the year. I estimate I might end up +$2000 in December not including expenses. So I'll be able to save up a good amount of money for college if I go in spring.

Yeah, so unfortunately I still have to work at Subway. I may try to look for a better job more money/less work and I'd like to look hard but don't know how much looking I will be doing. My motto for the next few months will be to not take Subway so seriously. There's a line out the door..oh well. I'm getting out at 11 tonight, oh well, they have to pay me anyway for that time. If they had a problem with paying me working till 11 they'd have 2 people working all the time. I think Adrian takes the job too seriously sometimes, I see his pain. Unfortunately, I do like to care about working hard so it will be hard to balance.

Hmm. I may try to take some courses at BCC, but I'm not sure if I want to or not. I'd like to take more of the basic courses, even if it's just filler and not courses for a Comp Sci/Math major or whatever I wanted to do. I believe Calc II is off limits to take, because the days and times suck over at Fall River. Sociology might be interesting, maybe another Psych course, Chemistry or Physics would be cool. And I'd love to take a Philosophy course too.

And so life goes on.

Tags: college, life, money, poker, work
Current Mood: okay is just a state of mind
Current Music: Elliott 95 show

I didn't get that loan I mentioned, and I tried the other Sovereign Bank loan and didn't get that one either. Awesome.

Kind of scared of looking elsewhere, kind of just want to give up and try again. But don't want to at the same time. I just want to go to college... why must it be so hard?

Tags: college, money

So I got that letter from Citibank and my mom's credit is really bad. So I don't think her cosigning for any other loans would work either. I just filled out a loan from Sovereign Bank which doesn't seem to take into account income for students, so it might be technically possible to get a loan from there, except I don't have a real credit history. I wish someone had told me 2 years to get a real credit card and not just my beautiful check card. I'm so economical it wouldn't hurt me too much having another piece of plastic, I'd have to find logical things to buy to even build credit.

So T-7 days till the bill is due and it looks extremely unlikely I will be going to college, I think the odds may be worse then 9:1. I'm just so disappointed right now. "When you love something and it goes to waste." I was so excited with going to college and stuff and now I'm stuck. I don't want to fucking commute. It's not a longterm option. I want to experience college with the whole college atmosphere. I don't want to take a bunch of courses at a community college. I may sign up for a course or two at BCC if this falls through, but I'm not sure what I would do. I looked at their catalog. Calc II is off limits, bunch of shitty hours at Fall River. I could take Sociology maybe, or Intro to Philosophy. I don't want to take computer courses because I feel they may be too different then a real college, and I think I would rather take those courses there.

Subway is driving me up a wall, I don't know how much more of it I can take. I have to keep telling myself, "I like this job", and it's not working. No legitimate break for 8 hours, working 2 steady hours alone and then having to try to clean up to get out of the damn store drives me crazy.

I meant to write a poker post, since I passed the one year mark of my poker "career" with real money. I probably will at some point.

Tags: college, work

SOAR at Fitchburg was okay. It was for Transfer students, and as the Dean was saying, "Transfer students just want to get in and out," so there wasn't much stuff with groups where I actually met people. I would of liked that, since technically I'm hardly even a transfer student, and I would of liked to meet some cool people before moving in. I did meet this one kid Trav who was next to me during the presentation, commuter, majoring in Photography. That was cool.

I ended up coming up with a nice schedule for me, like, Comp Sci I/Calc II/Logic/Writing II/Sociology. The best laid plans of mice and men get fucked up and I made two mistakes though. I didn't look at seats open when filling in my schedule, and I wrote down the Comp Sci CRN wrong, I wrote down the Comp Sci II CRN. I realized that after the registeror had got done with a nice fixed up schedule. I felt kind of bad, considering I wasted all the time with my easily caught mistake (I could of double checked them during the 10 minute wait). In the end I got Comp Sci I/Calc II/Writing II/and US Hist I. I really want to take the first 3 classes to start, but US Hist is kind of an eh. It's not going to help out my major search other then being something to study, I'd probably rather take Logic and some random Psych course or something. It's also at 8 o clock am. Even if I don't switch totally, I might try to get into one of the ones later in the day. The way the schedule looks right now though I have Fridays off which is totally sweet but not planned.

Unfortunately, I may pretty much be fucked.

I got my mom to attempt to cosign for a $10k Citiassist loan, and she got declined for it. I will know exactly why presumably when I get a letter from Citibank. I could possible reapply and add in my step-father's income which I didn't do the first time. But it's still no guarantee because my mom has fairly bad credit and that may be the sole reason why. In that case there may not be any loans she would be able to cosign for.

This really sucks. The $10k is my guesstimate for both fall and spring. The fall bill for FSC is sitting on my desk for $5703, including the $1.2k federal loan credit. I can't directly pay the $5.7k in theory. They have a payment plan but I'm not sure about that either. I have $3.3k of poker money I really don't want to use, probably about $800 or so in my bank account once Visa fixes my account, not to mention I need to pay for books and still pay off car insurance if I'm going to use my car, etc. It just isn't adding up. If I don't get a loan I can't go to school.

This is devastating considering I've been saying for a years, I want to go to college, I want to live in the dorms. I want to be a college kid. Now I have the opportunity, at a school I really like, and I can't go because I don't have the money. I knew it would be risky putting down my deposit a while ago but even I didn't know I would be this fucked.

I'm tempted to go whoring for cosigners. I told my mom to reassure her that if she ever has to pay off any of the loan for some reason, I will pay her back 110%. Once the deferment period ends I don't see a reason why I wouldn't be able to deal with it myself if I get a even half decent job out of college. Any credit worthy adults want to cosign a loan for me? Please?

I could possibly ask my grandparents, or maybe Debbie and Gary. But I don't want to feel like a desperate whore, and while I'd like to think cosigning a loan isn't a big deal, it is, although this isn't a typical loan. Cosigning in this inference is different from like, co-borrowing or parents taking out a loan for their child.

Sigh.

I really don't want to have to work at Subway ever again after this month. If I have to withdraw, I'll be looking for other things to do, but I was really hoping to get out of it all.

ARRRRRRRRGGGH.

Tags: college, money
Current Mood: pretty crappy