I was trying to write a quick post on my netbook before going to bed. I failed before even getting to the livejournal page. Oh well.

I'm getting rid of/selling my car, well, at some point. My registration and insurance runs out at the end of the month, and it all around comes at a good time. My car is relatively crap. It runs well, but it still has issues that need to be fixed in order to pass inspection. And as two cops have found out in the past two months, those issues haven't been fixed for two years.

Basically, I think I'm done with cars. Oil prices will go back up; peak oil is an issue and while I'm uncertain about what will happen in the next few years--I know that gasoline prices will continue to be a problem. If I'm here at Amherst for one full year, I really do not need a car. I can get a Uhaul to move back into Amherst after my research internship at UMass is done, and then I wouldn't need to figure out what to do until next May. That will save me at least my $1000 insurance, not including the car problems, gas, etc. Money wise it's a no-brainer. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake  (like it was to throw out my rusty, old mountain bike after I realize bikes are expensive), but its something I need to do.

Things are swell. Research is okay, but I'm not all gung-ho about computer science graduate school. Part of it is that I'm not a huge fan of the project I'm currently working on--I'd say power-saving computer architectures would be my ideal research field. Wireless networks are cool, but this project I'm looking at the data on just isn't mind-blowing enough for me. Note taken: proving obvious hypotheses are not my bag of tea. I definitely need to take some time off and work somewhere at something before making future decisions (and while paying attention to which way the world is falling apart at that time). But it would be cool to go to Montreal for graduate school.

Ahhh... living it up in the slow and steady lane.

Tags: amherst, career, future, graduate school, job, life
Current Location: UMass, North 205A, in bed
Current Mood: swell
Current Music: hummmm of netbook fan

It's just so frustrating.

An equally precocious friend of mine I met at BCC who was planning on applying to Amherst but didn't said to me at Awards Night some weeks ago that even his mom was excited about my acceptance to Amherst. I quipped that she was probably more excited about it then my parents were. I wasn't joking.

Life is generally an uphill battle and there's roadblocks that need to be fought through, but I continue to just hit a roadblock time after time and it's mostly my parents fault.

Yes, it's easy to blame my parents. So easy. But that's not why I do it. It's because they continue to be the roadblock to a promising future time after time.

Besides posting that I got into Amherst, I haven't posted anything about it because there's been a quaint uneasiness about the details behind it.

I never filled out the financial aid applications (FAFSA + PROFILE) back in February when they were supposed to be due. At the time there were quite a few problems. I hadn't done my taxes. My parents hadn't done their taxes. I hadn't been in touch with my father in almost a decade and the schools PROFILE wanted a non-custodial parent form. I was busy with schoolwork and tutoring. I didn't actually think I would get into Amherst.

And then I got in. The whole night I was panicing. I just got into one of the top liberal arts schools in the nation and now I may not be able to go because I didn't fill out any financial aid forms. I called them up the next day and they said I could get everything filled out soon and hand it in and still get the same amount of aid because they're rich and have a huge endowment and pay 100% of need anyway. But it was near finals so schoolwork and tutoring was getting crazy, and I still hadn't filled out my taxes.

And I still haven't finished them. My FAFSA is done but the more complicated PROFILE still contains the uneasiness of contacting my aunt who handles my father's affairs and having her fill out a huge complicated financial form.

But why do I have to do them anyway? Why do I have to pay my parents rent when I could have saved about $6000 by now for college. Why do I have to pay my own car insurance (another $4000)? Why did I have to pay for my first car, and pay off part of my parent's inept financial loaning to get my step-brother's old car on the road after mine died ($600+1000)? How come my mother doesn't have anything saved up for college costs, when my late grandmother on my mother's side wanted both my cousin and I to be able to pay for college? Why did she continue to get in the mail useless college savings plans with $100 in them? Why do I have to fill out financial aid forms most of other parents fill out for their children? Why do my parents not care? Why do they seem to not want me to go to college?

When I finished the FAFSA, the expected family contribution was about $24,000. Even if everything worked right, I would probably still have to find $24,000 out of a third-party loan, and my mom probably still can't even cosign because her credit is so bad. Even if I wasn't going to Amherst, I still probably couldn't go to college. An EFC of $24,000 means that no matter what college I would go to, even if it's little State School at $15k or big university or liberal arts school at $25k or $40k, I would still have to shell out nearly all the costs to go there, unless I got a hold of some serious scholarship money (possible option if everything fails me). Who knows how I'm going to find money to pay for another semester BCC if everything else falls through with Amherst.

My mom innocuously complained about me not having a job today when she left for work. Technically I'm tutoring (they know about that) and have a research work-study position (they may not know about that). This is all for crap pay, $7.50 hour. Technically I could still play poker and make more than that much online propping once I build my bankroll back up for paying for everything I shouldn't have to. And technically even I wanted a good job during the summer, it's not going to pay me enough to meet my goals. It's like my parents want me to leave the house at 7am, come home from work at 9pm and be frustrated and miserable while I then spent all my money on material goods. It's like they don't want me to have a future.

I really want to go. The opportunity is amazing. Everyone other than my parents is excited. It's still possible. But it's frustrating me that I can't pass this parental roadblock. After my mom complained I complained about having to now take up a new car insurance plan on new car, and not being able to afford it, and how I'd like to be able to pay to go to one of the top liberal arts colleges in the nation. And it's like she thinks I'm kidding. It's like my own mom doesn't think I'm worthy.

I know she just doesn't get it. Doesn't get college, doesn't get me, doesn't get why I view work differently.

But it's just so frustrating.

Tags: amherst, college, future, life, money, parents, stupid me, thoughts
Current Mood: see above
Current Music: none - I'm reflecting

I actually got into Amherst College.

Tags: amherst college, bcc, future, life, school
Current Location: bcc tasc
Current Mood: excited?

It's yet again been awhile since I wrote in here seriously.

There are a bunch of topics I could write about right now. Poker - my AC trip, recent online play, my deteriorating tournament game. The previous other topics I mentioned which I never talked about. School - whether how bad I've been with work or my possible future prospects for college. About the only topic I can't write about is girls, because lately I haven't cared much. I'm not pursuing Tiffany, and I haven't met any awesome girls this semester. I could write about theories on why/how I'm amiable even though not much has happened this semester.

But the topic I really want to write about is my future college prospects.


For quite awhile my college philosophy has been the means and not the ends. "Stay in school long enough until you figure out how to pay for it," was a theory that I developed last semester when talking to my Sociology professor. I really do want to learn but I don't know what I want to do. I have my ideas based on my current interests, and the leading occupation has been something to do with Math, probably something like being a high school teacher. Granted, with the knowledge I've gained from my Sociology class the last two semesters, an occupation in Math is starting to lose some ground.

Rewind back to last semester. I was supposed to write an essay for a scholarship, the Presidential Scholars Program, where half your tuition and fees are paid or something or other, with the intention of the applicant transferring to a four year school after getting an Associates Degree at BCC. One of the transfer counselors I had talked to previously told me about it, and also told me about some grant that Amherst College was getting to attract community college students. It was the first I had heard of Amherst College and other then a quick browse and hearing about a $40k/year pricetag I didn't look at it very hard.

Fast forward to this semester. One of my professors is a BCC>Amherst College graduate, whom I had last year for US History and this year for a cool Tech & Society class. He talks about the school occasionally and had mentioned how Amherst College was coming to the college and had a special presentation they were doing. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about that presentation when my professor talked about it the next class. Something about 100% financial aid guaranteed (minus the fine print), Amherst pursuing community college students, and how I would be a good fit. Luckily there was a college fair event in a few weeks that a representative from Amherst was going to be at as well.

I actually nearly forgot about the fair, there was an hour before my classes I could go to it and I got up kind of late but got there in time. I browsed some of the other colleges as well, to kind of warm up to looking at Amherst. All the typical schools were there, I checked out MCLA, Clark, UMass Darmouth, and UMass Amherst (probable "safety" school").

Then, I talked to the Amherst admissions representative. When I was thinking about the fair before I got to school, I had worried that maybe I wouldn't get a chance to talk to them, maybe there would be too many people looking at Amherst. Silly anxieties. I talked to the admissions representative for about 15-20 minutes at least, and there was clearly no one else interested. She was a brand new admissions fellow who had graduated a year before and was picked to be the community college transfer admissions officer. I asked a bunch of questions and all the answers and everything she told me made me really interested in Amherst.

It's hard to describe, but afterwards, I had never wanted anything more than I had wanted to attend Amherst College. It just felt awesome. Amherst was looking for talented, highly-motivated, intellectual community college students, and here I was one of those students. Granted, I think I'm on the lower end of their admissions spectrum. Or at least I think so, I may be being a little too humble. As of 22 credits I have a 3.9 (one B+), and I did the rough math and continued 4.0s would raise me up to something close to 3.97. Not a pefect score, but about as close as you're going to get without getting a 4.0. For some reason I believe that not getting all 4.0s would hurt me but I suppose 3 hundredths isn't that far off.

I mean, I think I am what they are looking for. My SAT score (1300) is a little under their freshman applicant range, and while my HS transcript is littered with missing semesters and random sparks of intelligence and advanced courses, and certainly the weakest part of my academic record, I do think I am whatever you want to call me. I've already written too much of this entry in the hubris-person view to admit to being any of those big I or little S words (again).

I'd say the chances are fairly slim to being admitted (they only admitted 19% of applicants last year), but I definitely have a live draw. If I can write three of the best essays in my entire life (yes, they require three essays Ryan, the first is from the common app transfer and the other two from their supplement), and pull out 4.0s for the rest of my college credits, I feel like I have a really good shot.

But unfortunately, while I said in my head I've never wanted anything more, I must admit it's just not following into my work attitude. If it wasn't for my Calculus professor loving me, and my Chemistry professor accepting late labs I wouldn't be on track for a 4.0 this semester. Recent stupid moments included playing Halo 2 for 4-5 hours one Sunday night/Monday night before an exam/essays to be written for my Tech & Society class where I hadn't even read 5 out of the 6 chapters the exam was on. I had to speed read (which actually seemed to work) through a few chapters in order to come close to getting a 95 (including a scale of 5 points). Yes, I take excellent class notes in that class which is why I could do so well but I still need to read the text.

So, next weekend I'm attending their Community College Transfer Day at Amherst. They're inviting community college students up to Amherst for a series of informational sessions, lunch, a dinner reception, and lots of fun stuff. It should be interesting and a lot of fun. I am most looking forward to seeing what the other community college students that are visiting the college are like, and if I have a chance against them in a sea of applications. I imagine meeting a lot of people in the same boat as me and maybe with the same interests/etc. should be pretty cool as well. I'm actually really excited just writing about it.

I must say, I find it quite exciting that I have this chance to possibly attend this forth thousand dollar, fairly prestigious college, especially given all I've been through. Going back to the beginning of my livejournal in late 2003 prior to my senior year of HS, I didn't even have any possible plans for college. I knew it was possible, I took the SATs for my second time, but I didn't think much of it and the score I got. It wasn't until I had begun to talk to teachers about college (well, Rosa) that I realized the possibilities. And after being denied from everywhere worth going, I knew I didn't want to be working in fast-food the rest of my life as Rosa would put it.

And now, after everything, after gradually going to BCC and moving to a fuller than full-time schedule, after not being able to pay for Fitchburg even though I was accepted and all ready to go. After all of that, I have a chance to make something even better of myself at somewhere I couldn't have dreamed of going two years ago? Please. No really, please. I want that chance.

Usually when people ask the question "If you could choose anything in your life to do over again/change, what would it be", I'd answer everything. There are so many things that have gone wrong in my life that to start at one single solitary moment is hard. But if I got the chance to go to this school, and found some calling, experienced an amazing two years of college, and maybe met some future soulmate, well, I might finally be one of those people who answers that they wouldn't want to change anything in their life. I think I would finally see my life in the Frostian point of view, the road less traveled where everything that goes wrong is simply a path to something inevitably going amazingly right. I never thought I would ever think in those terms. That maybe, just maybe, I would want to leave/live my life the same because my past has led me towards path that I am on now and towards the yellow brick road I might actually end up finding. I kind of only have one word to describe this : amazing.


Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So anyways, I'm going up to Amherst on Saturday. It should be a ball. If anyone in Amherst reads this (Kristin?) and isn't busy Saturday night let me know.

Yet again...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"Open your eyes, boy. I think we are saved."

Tags: amherst college, bcc, college, future, school
Current Mood: amazed
Current Music: Internet Radio

I watched a movie for the first time in a while. I have this disdain for movies that goes back to when I was young, I think mainly it's that I can think of better things to do than to be engulfed in another life for an hour and a half. But anyways, I was browsing through the channels and the name Trainspotting sounded familiar, probably from Paul Phillips' blog, so I watched it, it was about a heroin addict trying to get out of his heroin addict life while getting sucked back in by his mates. The British mannerisms were pretty funny, but I'm generally a bad judge of movies, it was okay. A wise man once told me drugs are bad. C'est vrai.

I also caught parts of Waking Life on IFC, they seem to show it on afternoons on Mondays I guess or something. I saw that and made me think for a bit before I realized thinking was bad. Now I finished watching this movie and I started thinking again. Oy vey.

So I'm sure I've mentioned how there's stuff I want to write about, but never feel like writing or am too lazy to do so. Since I've started thinking I guess this is the time where I let it all out, unless I get bored of cathartic bullshit and stop prematurely. And in general, this livejournal is kind of like a written down discussion of my inner monologue. Most of this monologue has been going on and on for a while, it's just that I haven't written about it. I used to really like writing down all my thoughts on a daily basis, but now it's kind of eh. And then when something does come up, I'm so disenfranchised from this thing that I don't feel like writing. Big thoughts, I know.


Anyway, starting backwards first, I mentioned Relay but didn't mention something tiny but really interesting that sort of didn't happen.

I was walking the track with Ingrid and Karyl at night, doing Karaoke from Ingrid's iPod, and being really goofy. It was probably like 1 or 2am or something. It was really fun talking with them about school and just having fun and not caring about how stupid I looked or sounded trying to sing karaoke (and it was bad). So I turned around to start walking backwards for a bit, since my feet were hurting, and I looked up and saw somebody who looked familiar. That Julie Sullivan girl who I've had a crush on since North. I looked up and saw her face and then kind of turned around. "Wait, was that really her?", I kind of said to myself. I was in a daze for a little while thinking about it... should I turn around and recheck? Should I say hi? Should I confess I've been madly in love with her for years...should I ask if I ever had a chance? It was weird because I went from having lots of fun with Karyl and Ingrid to being self-concious about my stupid past.

She eventually passed us and I could kind of hear her talking to the person she was walking with. I actual think she was walking with a classmate from North she was friends with back then, Tara Rose. I couldn't really hear what she was saying but it sounded like she was talking about a guy, and moving in with him or something. Or I guess that's what I'd like to imagine. For a while I wasn't sure it was her, but it sounded like her, looked like her, and seemed like her.

So yes, I saw her, and I did nothing. I pondered walking up next to them and saying hi, but that's only something I'd do in my dreams apparently. After seeing them walking the track I didn't see them the rest of the time. I saw a few other people I knew from North too (including the three girls who came into Subway one night that I said hi too), but didn't say hi.

In the same vein as that story, there was one day a while back that it hit me. I've been spending my life looking back at the past. Thinking about the past. Analyzing what I've done wrong and messed up. I really need to move on and up. I need to look at what I've done and do something better. The past is just that. I can't really sit here and fuck up any future I could have by repeating all my mistakes. Mainly this means to stop being a lonely bastard and try to be somebody. Intimacy rather than Isolation - Erik Erikson's stage of early adulthood. I need to look for something new rather than pretending I can love somebody I won't ever see again.

Then, I went to work. This girl, Val Hastings came in, who I used to live next to, her dad was our landlord back when I lived in North Attleboro. Her sister used to take us to school freshman/sophomore year. She graduated valedictorian of the class I would of graduated at NAHS, and went to Harvard. I knew this from reading something in the paper about her. Anyway, she came in with this guy, and after a little while I realized I know who he was. It was this guy Steven who I sat behind in my freshman Algebra class or whatever, he was in my home room too I think, and I remember he being a kind of shady kid, which was really strange when I saw them together. I also thought he may have been this kid who I was friends with back in kindergarten but moved, but I'm not sure and was never sure even in school. But yeah, that was weird. Here I am, I told myself, fuck the past, it don't matter. And then I see someone from my past and it all comes back to me. I didn't really say much to her/them, it was kind of awkward.


And then, the other thing I've been meaning to write about.

The end of the semester was just kind of weird. I really liked Tiffany and it seemed like she liked me too. I don't have to go into everything that happened, I wrote most of it down. I just really loved talking to her outside of class and just having a conversation. It felt nice to talk to a girl sincerely and not feel like I'm an inferior man. I did say some goofy stuff sometimes, and I made some sarcastic Colbert-like comments about Bush that I'm not sure she got. Even now I can't really explain it, it just felt good.

But I whiffed. I should of talked to her that Friday, gave her my number or something, and you never know. But now, I'm doing the same thing I've done about every other girl. Wishing I did something when I didn't, and pretending in my head what it would be like if I did, and thinking I still might have a chance. At least I might see her again, like I've said before, I'm holding out hope that if I go back to Fall River for next semester maybe I'll see her around campus.

The strange thing about the end of the semester was I ended up talking to Stephanie outside of class a bit too. You know, the one I originally had a crush on until suddenly I was like, holy shit, this other girl is much cooler. We ended up talking after that other class with someone else about some politicky stuff like abortion, gay rights, stuff from the class, etc. It was kind of interesting and I learned some stuff about Stephanie that I would not have expected. You know, cause I originally expected to hear no stories about her being a naughty girl.

I also ended up talking to her in the lab the day of my all-nighter. I ended up going to the computer lab to print out some stuff from my Child Psychology binder, and as I got out of my car I noticed she was parked a few cars down but didn't say anything. She ended up coming up to the lab later and I don't know how we started talking about stuff but I guess she was supposed to take a final for this math class with the Professor from my recitation. I guess she really sucks at math and was freaking out about the final and I was trying to reassure her and stuff but I guess she really does suck at math. I don't understand how someone sells back their book before they even finish their final.


All that, and I feel like I'm so close yet so far. When I mentioned Erik Erikson, I'm serious and it feels like I'm struggling with the whole intimacy vs. isolation thing. I'm not really close to anyone in the friends sort of way. Granted, I never really have been my whole life. Isolation is good until you realize intimacy is awesome. And I kind of don't have much experience with intimacy. Now, when a lot of people see intimacy vs. isolation they think sexual intimacy, and for those who haven't read Erikson's eight stages eight different times, it doesn't just mean that sort of intimacy but mainly intimacy between other human beings, like as friends.

I've just spent most of my life isolated. Back in middle school/high school, in my room, alone. Can you really have intimacy through an internet connection? Ask me that 6 - 7 years ago and I'd probably say yes. But now, I feel like I've experienced what intimacy is between people and I feel like I've lost it. I'm a pretty bad friend, I've always hated phone calls - they feel distant and weird to me. And yadda yadda yadda. I do have to say, poker helps, and I've gotten pretty close to Kurt from poker as a friend. He probably knows more about my life than my parents do.

I don't really know where I'm going (actually I do, I just don't want to write about it). I want to be intimate with life, I want to get to know people and get to know myself through other people. This is one of the reasons I wish I went to a real college and all that, and got to meet more people. That and I should just ask out the next girl who seems to cool just to get practice on that whole girl thing.

To finish off this long entry, I was just listening to a Matt Nathanson concert and he made this comment about Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl"..

"Okay, so in this song he's saying, I want Jesse's girl, but I can't have her, and I'm just going to sit back here and for the rest of my life I'm going to wish that I could of had her." ... Kind of what I do.

That, and I think I finally figured out the meaning of Everything Else. "Cause everything else doesn't matter/really cause that girl/that you want/she's never going away/and if you want her you can't have her". She's still in my mind...and I can't have her, and she's never going away.

Woe is me.

Tags: bcc, friends, future, girls, julie, life, nahs, t, the past
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Matt Nathanson

I feel like posting but there really isn't much new to say.

I wish I started wearing contacts years ago. These things are awesome. I seriously can't wear glasses anymore. How anyone liked me when I wore them is anyone's guess. I need a non-glasses LJ picture but I haven't got around to it yet. I'd rather sit like 2 inches from the monitor than wear my glsses after taking them out tonight for a rest.

Today at work Amy decided that I should be a math teacher. I actually had an epiphany last Wednesday during the recitation class regarding that. I was asking the professor about right triangle trig stuff because I hate that stuff and never really learned it properly. It'd be awesome to just teach like high school math, because when you think about it, you'll probably be teaching all kinds of math. From Calculus to Algebra to Geometry. Man I miss proofs.

My room is a mess and has been like this for a while. I never made any start of the new year poker posts that I had planned to do. I haven't done my taxes and I haven't done the FAFSA. No time between going to school, going to work, and not doing schoolwork. I probably try to do stuff tommorrow but then I'll wait till like 7 at night to start, play poker at 9 and then get stuck winning again, and then go to bed too late and get up for school.

I probably didn't do nearly as good on my Sociology quiz as I could of. Like I said, after getting a 98 there's really no where to go but down. 80-90 would be good though. There's a take-home essay mid-term due on Thursday. I hate take home stuff. The only good time I have to do it is tommorrow and I'll probably not get to it.

I think I left my phone at work. Stupid. Just as I was lecturing my mom today how I won't lose my phone and etc. Sigh.

Finally, I like it when people comment. I makes me feel less lonely. Granted I should probably talk to some of you more often over IM or otherwise. But it's nice to come home after writing a long entry and getting some reassurance that I'm not as crazy as I seem. Thanks peoples.

My phone is still 7742546863. My parents did put a small text messaging plan on it so text me if you feel like it.

Tags: bcc, contacts, future, life
Current Music: stuff that isn't lost in the middle of my hard drive

I'm thinking I will definitely probably take a few of those courses. I've registered online (online registration - sweet) for Economics, Sociology, and Abnormal Psych, just have to confirm it, and I may take one of the others ones too. Maybe the Computer Information Science course, but it might be a remedial course (because the CIS major doesnt even list it), or the History of Music course maybe, I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, if I take 9 credits or over, I have to have health insurance. This is fine and dandy if I'm already paying 5k a semester, but when health insurance doubles your bill, it's a little more of an annoyance. As it is it would of been like 1k for the 3 classes, but health insurance jacks it up to like 1.8k. Not cool, health insurance.

But then if I take all these courses, when spring comes around I may find myself in the exact boat as I am this month and get the same I don't want to take these courses I want to take them at Fitchburg feeling. If I was going to do nothing and just save and keep Subway job I would probably end up with $2400ish to pay for college if I had to, but if I go to school I end up with the same +$1000 I am now.

I hate decisions.

In other news, my mom found $200 in savings bonds for me. Sweet. If only $200 was worth as much as it was 15 years ago though.

I've been thinking about my college "plan" (I'm actually thinking ahead right now), I'd love to double major Computer Science/Math with minors in Psychology and Philosophy. It'd be perfect but the course load to complete all the requirements might not work in four years. With this thought I'm thinking about my schedule and looking at filler courses that might not work if I need to compress all my classes into those four concentrations. Like Economics and History of Music probably wouldn't satisfy any requirements in those fields. But they are still things I would find interesting and worth taking.

Okay, I will return you to more interesting livejournal entries.

Tags: bcc, college, future, money
Current Music: nothing actually