It's almost December at Amherst, and while in some ways it has gone by really fast, in other ways it has gone by really slow.

Academically, everything has gone by so fast and I can't believe there's only a week and a half of classes left after Friday. It feels like I had only just started the semester. The reason it feels like it's gone by so fast is probably because I haven't worked nearly as hard as I should have. While with the exception of my math class, my grades are shockingly decent even though my work ethic is the same as it always has been. 

My Linear Algebra class is, as my girlfriend would say, a disaster. I guess technically I'm failing right now, with a 64 and a 51 on two tests with 65% of my grade yet to be decided (test and a final, counting the 15% my lowest test will get). One of the primary reasons why I'm doing so bad is that I didn't do homework for over four weeks in a row, realizing every time I got to a problem with proofs that I had no idea what I was doing. For the most part I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I think there's hope for me somewhere. I think I did the math and the highest grade I can get if I ace everything is a B, but I doubt that will happen. I think I have to get at least an 80 to still get a C. It's possible, but I need to work a lot harder than I am now.

Socially, have gone by slowly and that's a good thing. I feel like I've been here and around campus forever. I met lots of friends here and my roommate and I get along really well. I do a few different things on campus: crew, IT job, swing lessons, did MassPIRG for a little while. And I found the thing I've been looking for most of my life. A girlfriend. I wrote an entry two months ago about how much I just wanted to be with someone, lie in their arms for hours, sleep in their bed all day, and fall in love. And I have. And it's great. And she's amazing. And it's exactly what I've been looking for.

Unfortunately, a social life is one of the reasons why my grades have fallen and has caused my work ethic to fall to new lows. It's hard to get things done when you usually work on things late at night and instead spend those nights in your girlfriend's bed (my bed isn't nearly as comfortable).

But, it's been an awesome semester overall, as bad as I guess I'm doing here. In my other classes, I have a solid A more than likely in my Computer Science (java) class, probably a B in Logic, and I got a B+/A- on the first half of my Poli Sci term paper. Which really isn't that bad for my first semester at a real college. I don't know if I want to major in Math anymore, since I'm doing so bad in my current class when all I really want to do is teach it. But other than that, things are great.

I still find it a little bit awkward, going to a school that has a little over 1600 students, when I see all kinds of familiar faces yet barely talk to anyone in my dorm except for the two girls across the hall (of which, are my girlfriend and her friend). I feel like I should get to know everyone here, since literally I'll probably see the face of everyone on campus by the end of my stay. It's that small. But I'm still somewhat shy and don't see that happening. And I still sometimes like eating alone, although I enjoy it more when a random acquaintence comes along and I have a friendly conversation with them. It's tricky but I guess that's half the joy of it.

Tags: amherst, college, girls, life, s
Current Mood: happy

New nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,

"I don't believe you've never had a girlfriend."

I'm sorry all of you missed out. If I had had some guts at some point, I'm sure it could of been amazing too.


I love swing dancing. It's pretty easy to teach someone once you as a leader know a few moves. There was a dance thing with a bunch of new people who had never done it before, and it was really easy to just teach them a few different cool moves.

And I think it's helped me learn how to lead. If you push them in the right direction, and they trust you, it will work out, even if they don't know what they're doing. And as a guy, for the most part you have to lead. You have to lift that arm in the air and give them a suggestive tug, or lean in a little closer and go for it and wait for them to react.

You just don't want to drop them. :)


I also love crew. Well, for now. If you told me at the beginning of the semester that I'd be winning our mixed novice/varsity male/female team race, I'd have laughed at you. If you told me that morning that I'd enjoy being in 50 degree weather, in the rain, rowing my heart out, and it'd be the best thing ever, I wouldn't have believed you either. We'll see how I feel when I have to spend another $150 on dues in the spring, but so far it's pretty awesome.


I expected school to be this awesome, but this has probably been the best month of my life. Ever. I'm sure it gets better though.

Tags: girls, s
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Still

So last month I wrote this in a private entry.

"I really want a girlfriend. I really want to be in love. Is this a bad thing to admit?

And it's not just because of the standard reasons. I really want to be close to someone. Emotionally and physically. Physically meaning bodies pressed against one another, concocted weirdly for periods of time, body parts touching other body parts. Being able to feel someone else like I can feel myself. And none of that is sexual."

I think I may have found what I'm looking for. :)

Tags: amherst, girls, s
Current Mood: as happy as possible

You know, sometimes when my imagination runs wild it isn't completely off basis.

I suppose in some alternate universe where I grew a pair and everything went my way, my wildest dreams would come true.

Crazy imagination : Spent last few days imagining running into a certain girl I haven't seen in a while by the tennis courts and starting up a conservation with her. Exchanging phone numbers. Living happily ever after. Etc.

In real life : See her brother leaving the tennis courts today when I got there to play with a friend.

That's really not too far off from my stupid obsessive imagination, eh?

Woe is me.

I wish girls didn't exist.

Tags: a, girls, imagination
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: tennis

So for now, I've given up on the girl.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, login and read my friends-only entry or add me as a friend. I haven't called her, mainly out of fear of her already being in a relationship and finding myself in an awkward situation. If she wanted to, she could call me, and if it happened that she lost my number but really wanted to call me, such is life. If I see her around campus (which I probably will at some point), I chat with her but it really doesn't bother me too much.

Mainly because I realized a few days after seeing her that I really didn't "need" to meet a girl anymore. I've spent the past six month not finding anyone here amazing and it hasn't bothered me too much. I suppose you could partially explain that one through the reasoning that there are 2 girls in my Physics class and 3 in my Differential Equations class. Oh yeah, the two in my Physics class are in my Diff EQs class, and I talk a lot with one of them and know the other one because she tutors as well.

Issue two, I hate living with my parents. I'd love to move to Fall River but financially it's not going to work out unless the fucking government stops making it impossible to play poker on the internet for a living. And I find time to play (read: ambition). My bankroll is quickly going down the tubes, mainly because I'm not playing.

I've been doing a lot of tutoring, and it's going fairly well. Some stuff is more difficult than others. I'm doing a lot of GED-level writing/grammar tutoring which has been the toughest thing so far. I've been doing some MTH 25 tutoring which is Math of Elementary Education Teachers and its a lot of concepts that are easy to understand but I've never learned them. Recently I had to explain standard deviation and quartiles/ranges/frequences, etc, and I helped but obviously I'm a bit new to the stuff as well.

But the people at the tutoring center like me even though I didn't exist in their system last semester. Obviously I should of got started on this earlier. They like teasing me on things (last Tuesday was nobody likes me day), and hanging around there is pretty fun.

Went to Amherst last Thursday to go back up to Amherst College for an interview with the transfer admissions officer, and it was fairly informal and not too much of an interview. I kind of explained my story a bit more than in my essays but I wasn't really enthusiastic enough and don't think I said anything extraordinary that would give me a better chance of being accepted. I think I still have a chance but it really could have been a much better one. I did get my essays done but they were very rushed and not that good I think.

I sat in on a course up there and it was interesting but not that much of an amazing experience. I tried to go to two classes before the class I ended up in and no one was there 15 minutes before class started. I expected a few students in the room before I showed up, but no one was in either room when I peered in, so I tried another class. I can be really dumb sometimes. The rooms themselves were very unclassroom like, more like meeting rooms, and the other for a fairly large course was almost like a miniature Trinity Rep with plush leather seats. I suppose that's cool. I felt kind of out of place which I guess can be understood. I got to eat free at the dining commons and read one of their social and political thought journals. And I got to see some real snow instead of the pissy SE Mass snow we've been getting. Big snowflakes. It was nice.

I didn't want to write too much, so I'm ending here even though my life recently has been flying by. I don't even have time to explain my Sociology End of Oil course, our service learning organic garden project, some oil/geopolitics/american industry thoughts (Who Killed The Electric Car? - good doc), or eclectic but entertaining ENG12 professor. Time is a disaster.

Tags: bcc, girls, money, poker
Current Mood: fine
Current Music: Howie Day - Numbness for Sound

I watched a movie for the first time in a while. I have this disdain for movies that goes back to when I was young, I think mainly it's that I can think of better things to do than to be engulfed in another life for an hour and a half. But anyways, I was browsing through the channels and the name Trainspotting sounded familiar, probably from Paul Phillips' blog, so I watched it, it was about a heroin addict trying to get out of his heroin addict life while getting sucked back in by his mates. The British mannerisms were pretty funny, but I'm generally a bad judge of movies, it was okay. A wise man once told me drugs are bad. C'est vrai.

I also caught parts of Waking Life on IFC, they seem to show it on afternoons on Mondays I guess or something. I saw that and made me think for a bit before I realized thinking was bad. Now I finished watching this movie and I started thinking again. Oy vey.

So I'm sure I've mentioned how there's stuff I want to write about, but never feel like writing or am too lazy to do so. Since I've started thinking I guess this is the time where I let it all out, unless I get bored of cathartic bullshit and stop prematurely. And in general, this livejournal is kind of like a written down discussion of my inner monologue. Most of this monologue has been going on and on for a while, it's just that I haven't written about it. I used to really like writing down all my thoughts on a daily basis, but now it's kind of eh. And then when something does come up, I'm so disenfranchised from this thing that I don't feel like writing. Big thoughts, I know.


Anyway, starting backwards first, I mentioned Relay but didn't mention something tiny but really interesting that sort of didn't happen.

I was walking the track with Ingrid and Karyl at night, doing Karaoke from Ingrid's iPod, and being really goofy. It was probably like 1 or 2am or something. It was really fun talking with them about school and just having fun and not caring about how stupid I looked or sounded trying to sing karaoke (and it was bad). So I turned around to start walking backwards for a bit, since my feet were hurting, and I looked up and saw somebody who looked familiar. That Julie Sullivan girl who I've had a crush on since North. I looked up and saw her face and then kind of turned around. "Wait, was that really her?", I kind of said to myself. I was in a daze for a little while thinking about it... should I turn around and recheck? Should I say hi? Should I confess I've been madly in love with her for years...should I ask if I ever had a chance? It was weird because I went from having lots of fun with Karyl and Ingrid to being self-concious about my stupid past.

She eventually passed us and I could kind of hear her talking to the person she was walking with. I actual think she was walking with a classmate from North she was friends with back then, Tara Rose. I couldn't really hear what she was saying but it sounded like she was talking about a guy, and moving in with him or something. Or I guess that's what I'd like to imagine. For a while I wasn't sure it was her, but it sounded like her, looked like her, and seemed like her.

So yes, I saw her, and I did nothing. I pondered walking up next to them and saying hi, but that's only something I'd do in my dreams apparently. After seeing them walking the track I didn't see them the rest of the time. I saw a few other people I knew from North too (including the three girls who came into Subway one night that I said hi too), but didn't say hi.

In the same vein as that story, there was one day a while back that it hit me. I've been spending my life looking back at the past. Thinking about the past. Analyzing what I've done wrong and messed up. I really need to move on and up. I need to look at what I've done and do something better. The past is just that. I can't really sit here and fuck up any future I could have by repeating all my mistakes. Mainly this means to stop being a lonely bastard and try to be somebody. Intimacy rather than Isolation - Erik Erikson's stage of early adulthood. I need to look for something new rather than pretending I can love somebody I won't ever see again.

Then, I went to work. This girl, Val Hastings came in, who I used to live next to, her dad was our landlord back when I lived in North Attleboro. Her sister used to take us to school freshman/sophomore year. She graduated valedictorian of the class I would of graduated at NAHS, and went to Harvard. I knew this from reading something in the paper about her. Anyway, she came in with this guy, and after a little while I realized I know who he was. It was this guy Steven who I sat behind in my freshman Algebra class or whatever, he was in my home room too I think, and I remember he being a kind of shady kid, which was really strange when I saw them together. I also thought he may have been this kid who I was friends with back in kindergarten but moved, but I'm not sure and was never sure even in school. But yeah, that was weird. Here I am, I told myself, fuck the past, it don't matter. And then I see someone from my past and it all comes back to me. I didn't really say much to her/them, it was kind of awkward.


And then, the other thing I've been meaning to write about.

The end of the semester was just kind of weird. I really liked Tiffany and it seemed like she liked me too. I don't have to go into everything that happened, I wrote most of it down. I just really loved talking to her outside of class and just having a conversation. It felt nice to talk to a girl sincerely and not feel like I'm an inferior man. I did say some goofy stuff sometimes, and I made some sarcastic Colbert-like comments about Bush that I'm not sure she got. Even now I can't really explain it, it just felt good.

But I whiffed. I should of talked to her that Friday, gave her my number or something, and you never know. But now, I'm doing the same thing I've done about every other girl. Wishing I did something when I didn't, and pretending in my head what it would be like if I did, and thinking I still might have a chance. At least I might see her again, like I've said before, I'm holding out hope that if I go back to Fall River for next semester maybe I'll see her around campus.

The strange thing about the end of the semester was I ended up talking to Stephanie outside of class a bit too. You know, the one I originally had a crush on until suddenly I was like, holy shit, this other girl is much cooler. We ended up talking after that other class with someone else about some politicky stuff like abortion, gay rights, stuff from the class, etc. It was kind of interesting and I learned some stuff about Stephanie that I would not have expected. You know, cause I originally expected to hear no stories about her being a naughty girl.

I also ended up talking to her in the lab the day of my all-nighter. I ended up going to the computer lab to print out some stuff from my Child Psychology binder, and as I got out of my car I noticed she was parked a few cars down but didn't say anything. She ended up coming up to the lab later and I don't know how we started talking about stuff but I guess she was supposed to take a final for this math class with the Professor from my recitation. I guess she really sucks at math and was freaking out about the final and I was trying to reassure her and stuff but I guess she really does suck at math. I don't understand how someone sells back their book before they even finish their final.


All that, and I feel like I'm so close yet so far. When I mentioned Erik Erikson, I'm serious and it feels like I'm struggling with the whole intimacy vs. isolation thing. I'm not really close to anyone in the friends sort of way. Granted, I never really have been my whole life. Isolation is good until you realize intimacy is awesome. And I kind of don't have much experience with intimacy. Now, when a lot of people see intimacy vs. isolation they think sexual intimacy, and for those who haven't read Erikson's eight stages eight different times, it doesn't just mean that sort of intimacy but mainly intimacy between other human beings, like as friends.

I've just spent most of my life isolated. Back in middle school/high school, in my room, alone. Can you really have intimacy through an internet connection? Ask me that 6 - 7 years ago and I'd probably say yes. But now, I feel like I've experienced what intimacy is between people and I feel like I've lost it. I'm a pretty bad friend, I've always hated phone calls - they feel distant and weird to me. And yadda yadda yadda. I do have to say, poker helps, and I've gotten pretty close to Kurt from poker as a friend. He probably knows more about my life than my parents do.

I don't really know where I'm going (actually I do, I just don't want to write about it). I want to be intimate with life, I want to get to know people and get to know myself through other people. This is one of the reasons I wish I went to a real college and all that, and got to meet more people. That and I should just ask out the next girl who seems to cool just to get practice on that whole girl thing.

To finish off this long entry, I was just listening to a Matt Nathanson concert and he made this comment about Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl"..

"Okay, so in this song he's saying, I want Jesse's girl, but I can't have her, and I'm just going to sit back here and for the rest of my life I'm going to wish that I could of had her." ... Kind of what I do.

That, and I think I finally figured out the meaning of Everything Else. "Cause everything else doesn't matter/really cause that girl/that you want/she's never going away/and if you want her you can't have her". She's still in my mind...and I can't have her, and she's never going away.

Woe is me.

Tags: bcc, friends, future, girls, julie, life, nahs, t, the past
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Matt Nathanson

So I'm well into the finals grind. Except my final exam grind is stuff that everyone else did months ago.

I'm about 37% through my Child Psych final exam. To recap, it's a take-home thing that we got during the first few weeks of class which consists of 119 questions but many of them are simply asking to define many terms, so all the separate questions actually total up to 198 questions, and I'm through 72 of them although only 26 real questions. I'm actually through most of the easy definition sections and many of the next questions might take a tad more thought to answer, which is a little scary considering I had the whole day off and only got through about 27% of the exam since I had about 10% already done or so. I've kind of been reminding myself that this is my punishment for not doing any work during the semester and feeling as free as a bird while I concentrated on other things like playing poker and stressing out about other less/more important stuff.

At the same time, I still have Sociology and Calc studying to do, Sociology which consists of reading two chapters I haven't read that one question on the final exam essays might be about and just going over stuff/rereading stuff I never read to begin with. And then Calc kind of consists of doing work on everything I haven't done anything on at all, like about all of chapter 9 regarding series, sequences, convergence of series, tests, maclaurins and taylors, etc, etc.

At least I don't have to do anything for History. That's right. I'm exempt from the final because I have an A average for the class (and all you actually needed for that gift was a B- on). I pondered taking it to get an A+ (as my professor thought I was crazy when I asked for the essays for the test) but have since realized I'm retarded and an A is still a 4.00. It's a good thing too because I couldn't see myself doing that and all this stuff for Child Psych. Yeah...I still have those observations of children and articles to find for Child Psych too..wheeee.

So, I have Sunday free although it's already 5am Sunday right now and I haven't gotten any sleep, and Monday I have the morning free and my Sociology mid-term on Tuesday while I have the night off from work. The stuff for Child Psych is due 10:15 (although the professor preferred it much earlier....she can screw). If you get off on teaching anything of substance most of the semester and complain about having to read over a 119 question final exam in 72 hours as well as two other assignments you assign that are 25% of the grade, that is not my fault professor.


On Wednesday after class I attempted to solve some of my issues with immunization holds not allowing me to register, and I passed the office of the transfer advisor I talked to at the Attleboro Campus who was very informative and good to talk to and was nice, compared to the advisor I talked to when I wanted to talk over my schedule that fall. It was all out of blue although I had wanted to talk to her the week prior or so about advisement but I chickened out. She was busy but said could meet with me in a bit and I ended up going over my whole situation and clearing a lot of stuff up about school and all. She referred me to the Presidential Scholars Program which is some type of scholarship where you get half off tuition and fees for a year at BCC provided you meet some requirements and plan on transferring to a private institution. It's meant for high school seniors going right into BCC but she talked to the woman in charge of it and said I could just get some recommendation from a professor/HS teacher. I'm a little skeptical of getting into this program given that it seems more geared towards like I said people directly out of HS and I'm 2 years removed, but half of tuition and fees would definitely help me pay for school the next two semesters even if I don't get anything out of the BCC foundation app I filled out.

Oh yeah, the essay prompt for it is awesome : "If money were no object and if you would be automatically admitted, where would you choose to attend college and why?". What is somewhat amusing to me is that the college I always sort of admired since I was about 12 (or when I simply started playing netrek hockey) wasn't the first one that came to my mind. And literally about five popped in my head the moment she told me that was the prompt... Harvard...no....Clark..no...Hampshire..no...Fitchburg...no... To think that I forgot my stupid 8th grader dreams so soon was kind of weird. Although I'm not exactly sure how I explain wanting to go to MIT after playing an online computer game for most of my adolescent life in a 500 word essay explaining how it was all because the server the game was on was at MIT. Dork.


I also ended up going back to high school firstly to get some high school transcripts printed out but also to hi to teachers. I ran into Izzi in the hallway and talked about my way too easy Calc II class including me not doing any homework since the 6th section of the class. I could feel her cringe at the thought. I chatted with Shirman about BCC and all the typical stuff and she said I looked good and although I don't think she used the exact terminology, said I looked "adultish". And I left a note on Cohen's board along with S (x arcsin x)dx. I might have forgotten the dx though (-1).

The next time going back to pick up my transcripts I went to go see Sawyer and him and Rosa were talking - two birds with one stone. Asked Rosa if she could do a recommendation for me for the BCC program thing, talked about BCC stuff. Realized that after going through my thought processes regarding last semester at BCC, I don't have all that much more to say. Rosa said I looked "handsome" which along with "adultish" would be the two words I would have least considered myself. That and Sawyer could see me getting my Ph.D some day. I could agree with that more than the prior two.


Regarding being "handsome", for those who were curious about making a move I've kind of flunked. The Friday I planned to do something I left class and didn't wait up for her for some stupid reason. It's probably about the first mistake I feel I've made in regards to Tiffany. I don't know, it was part me not feeling like trying to do anything and also people were entering from the next class kind of quickly and we were both taking our time. On Wednesday, our last class, I wrote down my name and number on a post-it and put it in my pocket just in case. She didn't show up to class. Part of me hopes that on the final, we both finish at the same time, start talking, I ask her out to go get something to eat and she's not doing anything and we live happily ever after. It'd be excellent timing too because I have the night off, the final is at 2:45 and 2 hours long.

I've talked to several people about her like Emily and Amy and Cindy from the Shell felt she was certainly flirting with me when she made that comment that's had my heart ever since. I'm not really sure what she actually sees in me if that's the case but with outside confirmation that I look "handsome" maybe that's why. Will I miss her if I never see her again? Yes. .... I suppose that's really all the reasoning I need to approach her... there's no analyzing it. Reasoning is one thing though.... doing is another.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, high school, life, t
Current Mood: strung out
Current Music: internet radio probably howie in a bit

I used an analogy a while ago to point to how far behind I am in life.

I'll use another one.

Your room/desk (for those who don't live with your parents, your house) is a good sign of how far behind you are. Lately It's been the worst it's ever been in my life. It's bad when a week goes by and you still haven't finished putting all your laundry back from the last time you did laundry, and have to do more laundry. I've always had really old school papers lying around my room for no reason, and such is still the case. I have two bags of candy from the mall (wait.. make that one I can't find the other one in my desk) from several months ago. I'm going to throw it out now. .1% down. Oh yeah, I guess trash going out would be a good idea right now too.

Yeah, I'm pretty far behind.

I still haven't started my over 100 question Child Psychology final exam. Finals are the week of the 15th (basically 2 more weeks). Nor have I started my list of child observations, my 15 magazine/newspaper articles we are supposed to put together, or have I put together my presentation (probably doing it on child internet safety). I think I probably should I have taken myself more seriously when I considered withdrawing from the course because I knew I wouldn't do anything and I knew it would be a joke. I told myself early in the year that ironically, the "easiest" course for everyone else in the world I would get the worst grade it. It's likely to hold true.

I have a 98 in Calc II, despite not doing any homework seriously since the 6th section of the course. I got an 85 on the last test we had, largely because I tried to prove that infinity^0 = 1 when in reality it is an indeterminate form (11 point problem). I would of known that if I had actually read the part of the book that says that. Luckily she let us go back and do the ones we got points off on and I ended up getting a 92.

I have a ~94 in History 14 (1877+). I got a 95 (-5 points of on multiple choice, essays perfect) on the last test despite not reading the 4 chapters the test was on. I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but the professor has study guide questions on the syllabus to go along with each chapter. I realized after the first test that all these study guide questions were the exact same one that I ended up on the test. He'd ask to identify the leaders of Germany, Italy, and Japan in WWII and then the question on the test would be the match which one didn't belong. Etc. So I got down to a bind a few weeks ago where I procrastinated and didn't have time to do the reading. I think I actually ended up waking up in the morning without impetus and realizing I had to write essays and study after playing Halo 2 the night before (yeah.. my priorities are awesome!). I wrote two pretty good essays by focusing on the sections in the book they were about. Then I went through the chapters and followed the study guide to find all the answers. Boom. Doing the test was harder then it would of been had I read, but it's still amazing.

And then my Sociology class where I have about a 93. This was the class where I thought I failed the mid-term. This was the class where I would have put $1000 down that I wouldn't get an A on that mid-term. I had a quiz on Communist Manifesto/Social Stratificaton, and I didn't even finish reading the Communist Manifesto before the quiz. I would have been pretty happy with an 80ish grade because I didn't think my essay on the Marx theory of capitalism was all that good. Boom. 97. (Although I question the grading of the quiz unless she's got some weird scale I don't know about, I got 93% on the 75% multiple choice and she doesn't have a point listed off for the essay. By my math that's a 94.5 but I don't think I'm going to complain. She'd probably wonder why I would bring up a scoring error that favored me (as many other teachers I've done so to said).

I keep telling people that well, I like BCC, but it's really too easy. I suppose if I had a real Child Psychology course I'd be extended a bit more, but still. The Child Psychology course, although I don't like to say it, is like a joke. I want to learn more than anything (even if I don't seem to outside of class), and I'm not being taught anything in the class. My Abnormal Psych course was similar in that we barely got through half the book. I'd be very tempted to audit a Child Psych and Abnormal Psych course in the future if I had the money to do so.

With that said, I don't know what to do. I went to an "Admissions Information Session" with the director of admissions but was frankly kind of bored for most of the hour and didn't stay after to ask any questions like I wanted to. Admissions is easy, $10 fee waived online, send a HS transcript. Not like I wouldn't get in. I sort of wish I had applied back in December when I did all the course stuff, kind of silly of me not to. It's weird telling people that I'm not enrolled or whatever.

I haven't done anything about transferring anywhere else again. And I'm likely out of luck about that for any schools. As it is I haven't done a FAFSA and I know if I do it's just going to be the same bullshit EFC that I can't afford to begin with. There's a BCC Foundation Scholarship App due tomorrow that I am planning on filling out (tonight, even though I knew about it two months ago).

I'm not even sure I could afford fall semester alone unless I planned on directly paying for it with poker. My taxes ended up +800 overall but that's only because I wrote off my tuition and fees from school while declaring gambling winnings properly including getting raped on MA taxes due to not being able to declare gambling losses. Fuck me for being a goody two shooes.


Sigh. Otherwise life is still a mess. I'm a chronic procrastinator despite being someone who could do almost anything if I put my mind to it.

I've been being lazy in everything, including keeping track of poker (i'm backlogged in my stat tracking for a month or two especially online play). I played two crazy sessions of multi-tabling to clear TightPoker.com's WSOP freeroll over the past month. In talking to bastard I mentioned playing the sessions and coming out just about even between them, losing $100 in the first crazy session and about $100 in the second. Actually, I overestimated, Poker Tracker tells me I lost $146.01 in the first session, and won $77.50 in the second. If this doesn't tell you why keeping track of your winnings is important I don't know what does. They're written down in a notepad in front of me and I over/under estimated my winnings and losses despite them being written down. It's likely I've lost a fair amount of bankroll (300ish at  least) in between the two $100 tournaments, trying to qualifying for a $215 and busting out of a $55 90-player SNG.


Still conversing with Tiffany between classes, still thinking I need to make a move but at the same time still thinking I think too much. I told Emily at work about her after she mentioned how Alison has a boyfriend now (btw, said kid John is that boy, except she told me they werent going out then), and she said the typical (in the typical Ryan doesn't remember exactly what she said paraphrase) "Well you know, if you don't give her your phone number you'll probably never see her or hear from her again, and if you do well, you might know her for the rest of your life or you might never hear from her again." Yes, the more I think about it the more I think it can't hurt. I thinking I should talk to her after class on Friday again (our last class before final is the wednesday after wednesday, but it probably won't be convenient) and slip in my number somewhere.

Tags: bcc, college, girls, life, money, poker, school, t
Current Mood: nowhere fast
Current Music: Internet Radio/Whatever I feel like

I just skipped the first 10 minutes of my Calc II lab to talk to Tiffany after class.

It was well worth it.

After the conversation I said, "I guess I should probably go to class now."

The idea was to make it clear that I talked to her for 10 minutes instead of going to class.

Alright...

Make a move..

--

As an aside, no I haven't actually made a move yet...but I'm definitely thinking I should. I'm wondering what the next step would be and how to approach it. Obviously I should probably try to get her number sometime before the end of class but I'm wondering if I'll probably need to do something else as well. She lives in New Bedford anyway so you know it might not even work out but... if you never try, you'll never know.

I think I'm the one glowing like the sky right now though... Oh so fucking sweet.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Location: computer lab
Current Mood: content
Current Music: professor blahblah

Her name is Tiffany.

The fact that we've actually mutually started conversations with each other before and after class amazes me. Among other things...

Wednesday during class the teacher made a reference to a 3 hour tour and after class she went, "Were you thinking the same thing I was thinking?" "Cause I saw you over there [chuckling] ..." So she has a similar sense of humour and she was actually paying attention to my mannerisms in class...

Today we watched a movie called "Hijacking Fear" in relation to specifically Bush administration and the neo-cons and exaggerations of truth in relation to 9/11 and Iraq, etc. At the end of class I was getting going kind of slowly and she seemed to be waiting for me. As we were leaving we were talking about the film and all and she made some genius comment about how it's like "xxxx meets 1984". I can't remember what she said but it was brilliant. The classroom door was closed ahead of us and I went to open it and let her go through first and it was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't say it. We were still in the class and it felt kind of strange.

As we got to the part where the paths split we both stopped for a few seconds and wrapped up the conversation and went on our sweet merry ways.

In Calculus class we went over Conversions of Series and it was pretty boring because the professor kept getting wrapped up in doing whatever series she was trying to convert. Thinking about her and the last few weeks in regards to whether I might actually have a thing going here made it much more enjoyable.

Oh....man I just want to get to know her better. She probably lives in New Bedford but I don't really care.

There's pretty much only 2 and a half weeks left in the semester though. I think that's the scariest part. Thinking about her is actually kind of relaxing. Thinking that I might actually have a chance and not enough time to find out isn't.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Music: i just want to scream HELLLLOOOO

The last three Thursdays (not counting vaca) have been kind of crazy because I've done allnighters before all of them. The week before vaca was for Sociology midterm, last week was for Child Psych autobiography I didn't even finish, this week was for finishing the actual autobiography. I'm getting a little too used to it all because I haven't even felt much of my non-drug induced drunkenness. Although it's been pretty easy to ramble without sleep.

This Thursday wasn't too bad because I didn't have class on Wednesday (professional day), so I got to sleep until 12. In Child Psych all we did was watch babies come out of vaginae (which was what we did Monday so I didn't miss much when I skipped).

In Sociology, we had some substitute who gave us a choice to go to the International Fair or to hear him talk about some crap, and the whole class except me wanted to go to the fair so off we went. Most of the people stopped in and then went to do other stuff but some people seemed to follow me around the setup they had, including this one girl.

This girl (of whom I somewhat embarassingly don't know the name of), comes into class late a lot but seems to be interested in the course even though she always sits way in the back corner. So I was just walking by all the tables kind of checking out the fair and her and a few other people seem to just be following me around the place. Among the fun stuff that happened was that she went to go take some chocolate desert from the food area and was like "oh my god this is amazing" and then I went to go get one and a bunch of ladies near there were like "Hey hey hey we're not serving food yet!!" and I kind of felt bad.

So we're wandering around and I'm making small talk kind of pointing out the random kind of nationality stuff although I was probably poking a little too much fun at stuff. For about 15 minutes we're watching Indian movies (dots not feathers) with a bunch of American-like dance musicals and I'm making random sidejokes about danceoffs and the Indian Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears among other inappropriate stuff and I got her to laugh a few times. She talked about how all she really wants to do is not have to work and travel around the world, and I say something about how I don't want to have to work and just sit at home all day. I have a class next hour so I tell her that I'll see her tomorrow and go on about my adrenaline filled day.

The next day in Sociology I tell the woman next to me that there's probably about an 80% chance she's (the professor) here. So she's like, "do you want to bet", and I'm like..yeah one dollar come on even money!. Same random guy comes in from yesterday. I'm telling you i'm a horrible bookmaker guys! Gamble with me! He enthusiastically talks about social stratification for about 30 minutes and I actually learned quite a few things. As "this girl" put it, the quickest explanation of anything ever. He lets us out and all, and I say a few things to "this girl" as we're leaving about the class and yadda yadda.

As we head out she's going out the doors ahead of me and realizes I'm behind her (she was a ways ahead of me and the door was almost already closed) and comes back to open the door for me saying, "after you my dear", which is about the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in a year. I make small talk with her as she's leaving but unfortunately she doesn't have another class and is walking to the parking lot so I couldn't talk very much with her (I had planned to follow her to make smalltalk but I can't follow her to the parking lot).

Yeah, so suffice it to say girl I don't know the name of is this month's crush. She came in Friday wearing glasses despite not wearing them Thursday. She's pretty nice and cute as well and seems to be of the trendy alternative type (although I can't come up with the right adjective) and usually is listening to an iPod when she comes in. I can't for the life of me remember her name namely because she's rarely here for attendance. Seriously, who comes back to open the door for a guy like me saying "after you my dear". If there's one thing that caught my heart it's that. At the same time she laughed at my lame Indian musical jokes, followed me around the fair, and has engaged in conversation between class with me before (like about the allnighter for midterm). Ohhh how fickle am I.


I played poker tonight, a $100 game run by Peter from Kurt's game. There was about 29 people with 4 tables of 8-max. $100 is the highest buy-in I played a live game in so far and I expected the game to be pretty tight. Boy was I surprised when I was seeing 4 and 5-handed flops at a 7-handed table.

( Quick poker recap because I don't feel like writing a lot. )

Oh well, I did feel a bit cocky going in because I felt pretty good about my chances in a $100 tournament with a good structure. I played pretty well but my reads weren't as sharp as they were the last few tournaments. If the guy doesn't flop a flush draw with AK he more than likely folds and I take that pot and have many more chips than I had after the hand.

Tags: bcc, girls, poker
Current Mood: i just lost an hour of my day yeah!
Current Music: howie + playing limit poker for once

pictures blurred in your head
you won't let them win
smash a fist or two
right back and let it in
for the one that you love
is more than them fuck them
think about her now
she's yours anyway

and everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you want
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
break yourself into
a million pieces
so everything else can wait for you
so everything else can wait for you to do this

they will all just go away
all of the demons
enjoy this life right now
you know what you're to do
and letters
yes they matter write her quite a few
and she might love you for it
but you can't count on it

and everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you want
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
break yourself into
a million pieces
so everything else can wait for you
so everything else can wait for you to do this

and i'm screaming for the breath
that makes you alive
you want that girl
for all that you can try
once you have her
i know she'll be so great for you
i know she'll try something
inside yourself

everything else doesn't matter
really cause that girl that you love
she's never going away
and if you want her you can't have her
you should break yourself into
a million pieces
everything else can wait for you
everything else can wait for you to do

I've been playing this song since like last week continuously and I've had it stuck in my head the whole day. The lyrics are just so me right now. So completely.

Last Thursday and Friday were pretty crazy really. I survived my classes, kind of. I was really out of it on the drive up Thursday and I blinked twice and I was like, holy shit, I need to stay awake. Before Sociology I took a jog outside to wake up. I wasn't crazy outgoing but I tried. My mind was pretty crazy. I kept thinking about stuff, like girls and all. But that might have been for different reasons. (How some guys survive without masturbation is beyond me - oh wait, they don't, they rape and murder.)

I got my History exam back. I got a 98 on it. Okay, this was the exam where I read all 4 chapters in one weekend, did essays in typical one night fashion. I can't remember when I got to bed that night but I remember being very glad I could sleep in for two hours due to not having Child Psych that day. I got 100% on the multiple choice and only -2 on one essay. Sick. I can't believe people struggle in this class. All the multiple choice questions are based on the syllabus questions which I didn't even need to answer, just glance over. So easy.

And I got my Sociology midterm back. On Thursday I bet this woman (a soda) next to me in class that she would get double the grade I would get. I realized after the fact that this was a bad bet because I'd have to get less than a 50 to have a chance of winning, but I felt that was quite possible anyway. Anyway, I've been going on for a while about how I do so little work in the class and get such good grades ("I bet you got the only A in the class." "Does a 90 count as an A?" / "I didn't even read most of that second chapter and I got a 98"), I said how I did so horrible on that midterm after I handed it in and all after the allnighter. I pretty much can't keep a straight face whenever I walk into class because she's always like Ryan you suck whenever I go on about my good grades.

Anyway, so this mid-term was easily the worst thing I've written in a while. The last time I said this was in my General Psych class where I wrote two papers in one night, said they were the worst things I've ever written, and got an A+ on both of them. I thought this one took the cake though. It was just so bad and rushed, I wrote on essay in like 45 minutes or less after I realized I had fallen asleep for an hour. I EASILY would of bet like $1000 that I wouldn't get an A on it. There was no way I would get an A on this. No freaking way.

So I get my paper back, I squeeze out the grade and...HOLY SHIT I GOT A 92??????.... WTF.

I still don't believe it. I'm serious here, if someone had offered me even money that I would get an A on that paper I easily could have wagered a $1000. You guys are certainly missing out on some good +EV bets. I am one fucking bad bookmaker.

I read through it during lunch that day and I still think it sucks. I guess I covered some of the key points she wanted, but IMO it was so badly put together it wasn't funny. One of the essays was about the Howard Zinn reading on Columbus/Indians and really on that essay I pretty much stopped abruptly and could of written a load more. And the essay I wrote after falling asleep was the one I supposedly got the best grade on by her system. What a joke, man.

I really should just continue to half-ass everything, read all my readings the night of an assignment, because it's clearly working out just fine.

Otherwise, I still haven't turned in my Child Psych autobiography. I skipped on Monday because I overslept and hadn't done it yet so I didn't think it was worth rushing to go to school and I just wanted another hour of sleep. Kind of lame. History class has been pretty cool lately. As in lectures are pretty interesting - when a 60 year-old man professor starts talking about sex and the class starts laughing...pretty fun). Math still easy but it's got harder after integration by parts. But it doesn't matter, there's only a test this friday on stuff regarding area under curves and volumes using integration, not section 8 stuff.

Girls. Stephanie seems to have got over being sick and I actually heard her talk (to that woman next to me in class). I still have the biggest crush on her, but at this rate I'd go on a date with any girl in the world. There's this other girl who I first saw when I did the math league test specifically when we did the review session, I think her name is Shea. She seemed all the favorite ryan attributes, cute, smart, glasses, etc. I've since seen her exiting the classroom where I have Soc on wednesday, and sitting by the lake on campus reading a book. I stared at her for like a minute while she was reading and I so wished she had looked up. Sigh.

I'm in love with the world
through the eyes of all the girls
who might still be around the morning after.

I just want to be together. With someone. I think the biggest reason though... Is because I might actually have a chance.

Tags: bcc, girls
Current Music: Howie Day - Everything Else

I come into work Monday to find out that Brandon quit, he was going to a NIN show that day and forgot to ask for the day off and couldnt find anyone to cover for him. (And the most lololol part is, that the show got postponed, haha.) Worked with Emily that day, didn't know who I would end up working with later, could be someone from the other Subway I didn't know, could be Alison, wouldn't know till I came in.

That night I had a dream that I was working with Alison. We were doing stuff in the back and she asks me what I'm doing on Friday, and I'm like "...uh..nothing, want to go out? See a movie, or something? I don't like movies too much, but if you want to go that's fine. Or we could do something else..." and shortly afterwards I wake up. I had fallen asleep playing Halo 2, and it was like 5am-ish so I sat up for a bit, shut the Xbox off, and went to bed. I had another fun dream that I couldn't remember.

So I go to work the next day, end up not working with Alison but with a guy from the other store named John. Alright, cool, no girl to think about. Like, 30 minutes in maybe he says, "Alison's coming by, so I'm going to talk to her for a bit when she gets here, is that alright?" ... "Uh, yeah, sure."

Yeah... I guess John is Alison's boyfriend, I can't be 100% sure but when a guy is waiting for a girl and says "Where are you woman" that's a good sign there's friction going on. So they talked and it wasn't obvious but they're either going out or really good friends. Doesn't seem like they've been going out for long if that's the case.

It was kind of surprising and unnerving, especially considering the dream last night. I was kind of thinking about the whole thing and couldn't think of anything else and for about the rest of the night I felt kind of awkward around the guy like he was trying to show me up and stuff. (Since we were talking about how they pretty much hate our Subway and me and my other coworkers have always pretty much hated theirs.) I was refilling the credit card machine paper and it wouldnt print anything and I couldn't figure out why and was all ready to call up Bob till he mentioned how it's heat sensitive paper and will only print on one side and that's why it wouldnt work, which made me look kind of stupid.

Sigh.

So yeah, that's why I'm afraid to make a move. You might say, well, you ask a girl out and she tells you she has a boyfriend, what's the big deal? Well, it'd just be so awkward. It's like if I went to Stephanie and asked her out and she said she had a boyfriend or she said no it'd be really awkward around her for the rest of the semester when I still might like her or at least like to approach her as a neutral classmate.


I was thinking about something Phillosopher Kristin wrote in an earlier comment "It's always harder to deal with yourself and someone else if you put them on a pedastal." (deep...speeling doesn't count [or actually quoting correctly]) And between classes today I was just realizing, I definitely idealize people I like/am interested in/fall deeply in internal love with. I bet if I had seen Julie once. Just once in the past like 4 years or however long it was since I last saw her I would of lost any interest at all in thinking about her. I paint a pretty picture of what she might be now, what she might like, who she might still be like and pretend in my head she still would be that person and what would of happened if I got to know her more. And it just doesn't work like that. People change and for all I know she could have died her hair black and turned into some punk rock girl or something. I do the same thing with people I think I like for a little bit. I fall in love with them in my head thinking about them, not getting to know or be with them. I paint my day dreams of what life would be like if I would of done anything at all, pretend in 10 seconds what would of happened if we spent years together, and none of them are ever ever going to come true unless I don't snap into the present about all these feelings and make any good of what day dreams I could possible ever make real today.

I really have more fun in my dreams and day dreams then I do in real life sometimes. Especially when other people are living the dreams.

Tags: girls, life, work
Current Mood: inadequate
Current Music: none because XP lost my mp3 partition

Being in college now full time feels a lot like being back in high school. But not in the way you'd expect it. In terms of girls. To articulate, sometimes at work some really pretty girls will come in and after they leave some guy who was ogling at them will say something to the effect of "Damn they make them nice up here." My thought in all of these situations - you should go back to high school.

In high school there's all kinds of very hot and attractive girls at every corner. It feels like the same way in college.

To use a more extensive personal anecdote (and one that will probably give the reader an inward look into my soul that will explain why I am the way I), when I used to walk home from Middle School I used to think in my head about the rankings of girls I was attracted to at school. I'm sure at any given time there was probably 5-10 girls on that list at least. Not once did I ever tell a girl, or anybody else really about these feelings. I guess I enjoyed hiding my feelings inwardly from everyone else, considering I spent most of my away from school time home alone in my room doing things you could probably imagine. One of the things that I will probably write about in my Child Psych autobiography is how instead of this becoming a period where I used drugs and alcohol, I just sat in my room with my computer, TV, and myself. Not that I've been better off any.

So while I spent most of the rest of my high school years doing such, I've still continued with this pattern with the exception of the last few years of high school where I at least articulated feelings to other people, as some of you know. But still never to those where it mattered.

So why can't I do it? I've always been afraid the girl I'm interested in is already taken. I've always been afraid that she's not interested in me. But as perisoft said pretty much, If you never try, you'll never know.

So to explain the last post, there's a bunch of nice girls that are my type that are in my classes. At first I liked this girl Jill (edit, not Jill, Jennifer, she looks a lot like the girl Jill I used to know from volunteering at the nursing home) who sits in front of me in Child Psych, but after she said something about having a kid during the Valentine's stuff I reorganized my feelings. Then there's like a zillion others but recently I started thinking about this girl who I sit next to in Sociology in one of the classrooms on one day (different rooms some days). Her name is Stephanie, she's like a 9 on the Ryan cuteness factor, she wears glasses (even though I no longer wear glasses I can't help but be attracted to girls with glasses), and seems really shy but fairly smart. She's one of the only other people in the Sociology class who have said anything of substance but she talks really softly and passively.

And on Thursdays, I've been spending time in the lab working on my Calc II labs, and my Sociology professor has a class in there doing computer stuff, and this girl is in that class as well. Last time I did so I was working on printing out the labs and it just so happened that when I went to go print my one page she started heading to the printer as well. There was stuff we were supposed to print out in the class to read and I was going to do that myself in the lab and I guess she had the same idea. At first I thought everything was going to be mixed up when it printed and I kind of over exaggerated and negatively exaggerated this as I mentioned her printing stuff at the same time as me. But it came out fine. Thennn, at the end of the class, I had been waiting to print out the other thing we needed to print so as not to disturb their class and it just so happened that the same thing happened and she had the same idea I had. Since they were both 10 pages again I thought they would all mix up but everything came out fine. At this point I missed a good chance to make a good impression of myself by starting a conversation but I think I just came off as silly.

Then on Friday, during the Sociology lecture there one of those brilliant quotable moments that make me wish I recorded lectures. Just one of those eloquently said thoughts that is just so genius but when you write it down and try to remember the words they never come out right.

She was talking about Charles Horton Cooley's theory of the looking glass self, and told us to write this down "I am not who I think I am, and I am not who you think I am, I am who I think you think I am." I'm not going to be able to explain this right, so hopefully you get the idea, but she said to explain this that it is kind of like when two classmates are going about their business. They do their stuff, don't talk to each other, and all the while thoughts about each other based on how they both react to each other. They don't talk to each other and both of them see this as them not being interested in each other so they base their opinions of themselves and the other person on this. When, in reality, both classmates are thinking to themselves about this situation and both really want to just sit down and have a conversation and get to know one another. I don't know if anyone could say something so ironical considering how I was feeling about said girl. At the end of the class that day she left kind of quickly and during the class she's kind of blocked in my peripheral vision since it's a different room but I wonder if that was a tell. Something I just realized I wrote down on the other side of my notes from said lecture, "People are so badly trying to avoid each other that all they really want is to get together." Enough deep thoughts.


Also regarding Sociology, quiz we had on Chapters 1-3 and on the Affluenza I partly read I got a 98 on. AFAIK It wasn't scaled. I only skimmed Chapter 2 and quickly read Chapter 3 and only half of Affluenza. Granted, I sucked out really really hard on guessing on the multiple choice that was based on Chapter 2, which was about 7+ problems. I took educated guesses - like, True/False : General Motors is the largest private employer in Mexico. Considering GM is downsizing like mad and the chapter was about Mexican plants I said True. Considering the only one I got wrong was from Chapter 1 which I actually read well, I sucked out really good there. And then all the Affluenza indicators I got right, which wasn't too bad considering I could even make up some myself and being right, plus at the end of that section I may have made some of the same statements over again with different emphasis. Yeah. I made a joke in class to the women next to me about how I wish I could get a bad grade just once and I wasn't being a cocky bastard, I really just want to totally get a shitty grade one time on a test/quiz I blow off. Positive reinforcement when you're not trying to do good fucking sucks.

I also got a 90 on the History test, which considering how bad I sucked out in Sociology was kind of running bad because I thought I did much better on the multiple choice than I did. Calc II test I had on Friday was really easy and I'm pretty sure I'll get 100+5 for the extra credit which really wasnt even too difficult. I love math tests because it's so easy to check your work and know you're right before you even get your test back.

I also played poker last night and played some really good poker in the last game. I made probably the best bluff of my life with 7-high on a Ah Jh 5 A Kh board. The action was SB/BB pre-flop against Leo, 50/100, he checked slowly on the flop which made me think he might have hit but not strongly. I checked quickly behind him (which is a tell mistake as I should have at least given thought to betting). He bet 100 on the turn after checking the flop I told myself I would raise/bet the turn. I made it 300 and he called. The Kh came on the river putting a very pretty and scary board out there and I made it 500 which is almost the perfect bet. Leo thinks for a minute and I do my best to appear tell-less (but I was very tellful inside) and he folds showing 75 so I oblige and show my 74. I was ON last night in the second game but you can play perfectly and still lose.

Tags: bcc, girls, life, poker
Current Mood: masturbation solves everything
Current Music: I've been living in a fantasy

I bet I could fall in love with any girl if I sat next to her long enough.

I just wouldn't be able to say hi.

Tags: girls, life
Current Mood: lonely and tired

I got to work with Alison again Saturday. I was talking to Amy the night before saying she was really sick and she had to call out for Saturday so I didn't know who I was working with till Julie called me from work asking me to come in early and saying some girl from another Subway was working, and I was like, "uhh... Alison?", and she said "Yeah, I guess so." Immediately I got butterflies in my stomach thinking about her. But when I got to work they just kind of leveled off and nothing drastic happened. She's definitely attractive (like again, when she strips out of her subway shirt and reveals a flesh colored tank top in her tight tan pants..yeah..). But I'm just not ready to make such a drastic move on a girl I hardly know. I was watching/listening to something poker related a few days ago and there was a typical popular quote about how you have to gamble in cards and in love, or something to that effect. I really don't like gambling except if I'm getting good pot odds. I guess that's my problem. I'm too scared to take a gamble.

But yeah, I made small talk with her. At the start of work I said hi to her and she didn't say much which made me feel a little apprehensive. Maybe she's found out? (I mean, gossip spreads like wildfire at work and pretty much everyone has heard about my LJ post.) But if she did and felt good about it she didn't seem to show it. Also, a few days ago I was talking to Brandon about her and he told me she's really religious so obviously she's not perfectly my type.

Otherwise, I've been in a weird funk for a while since like Thursday at school. In Child Psych we did usually meet and greet exercise (it's a really loose class and we haven't learned anything in two weeks). The thing the professor did was going over the 4 red flags of a dangerous relationship. Obviously, stuff I really need to know. So I'm surrounded by like 25 girls (I was the only guy to show up) talking about relationship stuff, getting kind of lonely and depressed. Blargh.

On Friday I helped a girl who was trying to climb the moat around the library in the middle of campus in the rain. I guess she was bored and adventurous and does rock climbing. She had already chucked her stuff over the other side so I came over and asked if she needed help and I tried to help her get over. I don't think I was much help but it was cool and we went on our ways.

Last night after work I played the last tournament at Ron's. I was planning on playing the whole night but had to close since Amy called out, but I made it to the last tournament although Ron didn't get many people and the last tournament was 5-handed. I called a guy after I raised with A6o and he went all-in because I thought I saw his cards when he looked at them and I thought he had nothing like 82o. He was the BB and just pushed all his chips into the pot dumping them in the middle when he did it and coupled with the fact I thought he had nothing I called. I knew I saw one card that wasn't paint and I thought the other one had a small number on it, but in actuality he had TT and I didn't catch. That caught some laughs from the guys after I told them why I had called. I really had no business calling there and only did so because I swore he had nothing. I called 800 chips off or so leaving me 800 behind and I was busted shortly after. I would never call in that spot otherwise. Donkey.

I'm in a weird funk right now because I have to work at 5, have to work the next three days as well and go to school Mon and Wed, and today is the Super Bowl. With my luck this Super Bowl will be the best one ever and I won't be able to watch it live. I should probably be reading stuff tomorrow for school but I haven't yet. I might do so in a bit.

I also just got a cellphone, I told my parents it would be a good idea to get one for emergencies since if my car breaks down between school I'm going to be screwed. It's only $10 for an extra line on my parent's plan and I'm using my Mom's old phone, so it's not too bad. I don't think anyone's going to call me, but just in case the # is 774-254-6863.

Tags: bcc, girls, life, poker, work
Current Mood: weird

Wednesday at work Brandon (new kid I work with) realized he was going on a trip to Atlanta with his folks and forgot to tell our boss as he was scheduled to work the next day and he was desperately trying to find someone to come in for him. So I came in on Thursday not knowing who I was going to work with. I came in and a girl who I never met before was working, her name was Alison. She was very cute and the moment I saw her I pretty much couldn't stop thinking about her. Wow. This was the first girl in a while that I had legitimately felt attracted to. My inner monologue for most of the night was something like, "This girl is amazing, and it's been a while since I really met an amazing girl." She'd at least be on the long list of examples of "my type". I made typical work small talk with her and I guess she's a HS senior at Cumberland and basically does my job at the other NA store, closing. Quite a good worker too. I'm not sure how to explain it but I guess there's a little bit of that whole "she does my role, but somewhere else" attractiveness of her too.

Anyway, she seemed pretty smart ala my type, and just a really nice girl as well. And like I said, it was nice talking to her and working with her. I'd think about quitting a lot less if I got to work with her every night. Anyway, fast forward to the end of the night, it was 7 and not too busy and everything was done so I told her that Bob doesn't mind if people leave early (she was scheduled till 7:30) and that she could leave if she wanted. But damn I shouldn't have said a word really.

So she got ready to leave and started to take her work shirt off and I averted my eyes so as to not be a prude. I'm a pervert but I don't like to make it obvious. I'm sure girls think it's very innocent but god, you never know what is going to be under something when a girl takes a shirt off. In my peripheral vision it looked like she wasn't even wearing a shirt, turns out she was wearing a very flesh colored tank top. So hott. She was even cuter in normal clothes, man. Overall, (and I don't want to use this adjective, but it's awesome), very Anne-like. I said something cheesy when she left like, "Good luck working at Subway." which is horribly stupid when I probably should of said something like "See you later if I see you at all" (Heatmister/Elliott song I was just listening to). Almost epitomizes how I feel about her. I'm sure there's a great chance I'll never meet her again and never get anywhere, but she was so my type and so cute and now so gone.

This is a beautiful entry, I'm not going to taint it with any rambling about poker. I'm pretty much a confused lonely bastard when it comes to girls and this is a great example of why. I'm sure I'll find someone someday. Like my Cousin Sam told me a while ago when she stayed over for a while, if my Uncle Chris can find someone attracted to him, I'm sure it's possible I'll find someone too. She used that example saying "her dad", but I'm sure I could do the same for mine as well. If a retarded bipolar guy can find someone attracted to him, I'm sure I can to. It just takes time but you know, time feels like it's flying by sometimes. Someday. Someone.

Tags: girls, work
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: elliott smith live show (see you later)