As an ironic side note to the last post, those three girls I mentioned seeing at Relay from NAHS, the ones I saw a while ago at work, came in last night. Only one of them, Katie actually got a sub but I mentioned how I saw them at Relay and she was like, "It was good to see you again Ryan...blah blah", although I think she actually might have said Bryan.

Also, the other ironic thing I forgot to mention in the last post, that Sunday at work after Relay, I saw that girl Julie's former boyfriend come into work and get a sandwich. I though that was kind of amusing. He also came in last night at like 10:00 and I told him I was closed. That felt good.


So I came into work yesterday and found 3 weeks of schedules up. Usually schedules for the next week go up on like Saturday or Sunday. But 3 weeks - generally means Bob is going on vacation. This sucks, because I was going to ask to work less hours and or quit, and I wanted some days off in the next coming days that are already on the schedule. I wonder if he's going to Vegas or something to play in the WSOP, that would be amusing. This also means that if I actually win the WSOP freeroll satellite on InterPoker on Saturday (I got like a 1/26 even money shot), I'm pretty much going to tell work to f-off rather then ask for days off.

So, I'm really not happy about working 5 days a week and all that now. I really liked my 4 days off in a row and I was really thinking about asking for the bare minimum working hours. I'm at that weird point where I feel sorry for my rich boss even though he only pays me $8/hr.

I don't want to go into my big rant about poker vs. work just yet, but the reasonable person who knows poker would tell me that having an $8/hr side job to pay the bills while playing poker on the side is actually a decent move. I'm not guaranteed a pay check every week, or even every month playing poker. At the same time, work makes me really bitter and my inner soul would feel a lot better just playing poker at home instead of going to work and having to deal with making sandwiches. Working fast food for low wages sucks. Playing poker, getting better at something I enjoy. That, and if I play more now, I'm going to be able to build a bigger bankroll for if I want to make money playing poker wihle going to school next semester, which is kind of my hope, considering I'm probably going to pay more my tuition bill for next semester with poker winnings. The bill is probably going to be a little under $3000 if I take I think the 16 credits I'm signed up for.

I have to say, I didn't make a very big deal out of missing the big money in that last tournament, but I win that thing, and oh man life is sweet. I played great, but I just can't get a BB to fold AQ to a steal, or scoop two pots as a 2:1 favorite rather than splitting.

Tags: julie, nahs, poker, the past, work
Current Music: random stuff and tennis

I watched a movie for the first time in a while. I have this disdain for movies that goes back to when I was young, I think mainly it's that I can think of better things to do than to be engulfed in another life for an hour and a half. But anyways, I was browsing through the channels and the name Trainspotting sounded familiar, probably from Paul Phillips' blog, so I watched it, it was about a heroin addict trying to get out of his heroin addict life while getting sucked back in by his mates. The British mannerisms were pretty funny, but I'm generally a bad judge of movies, it was okay. A wise man once told me drugs are bad. C'est vrai.

I also caught parts of Waking Life on IFC, they seem to show it on afternoons on Mondays I guess or something. I saw that and made me think for a bit before I realized thinking was bad. Now I finished watching this movie and I started thinking again. Oy vey.

So I'm sure I've mentioned how there's stuff I want to write about, but never feel like writing or am too lazy to do so. Since I've started thinking I guess this is the time where I let it all out, unless I get bored of cathartic bullshit and stop prematurely. And in general, this livejournal is kind of like a written down discussion of my inner monologue. Most of this monologue has been going on and on for a while, it's just that I haven't written about it. I used to really like writing down all my thoughts on a daily basis, but now it's kind of eh. And then when something does come up, I'm so disenfranchised from this thing that I don't feel like writing. Big thoughts, I know.


Anyway, starting backwards first, I mentioned Relay but didn't mention something tiny but really interesting that sort of didn't happen.

I was walking the track with Ingrid and Karyl at night, doing Karaoke from Ingrid's iPod, and being really goofy. It was probably like 1 or 2am or something. It was really fun talking with them about school and just having fun and not caring about how stupid I looked or sounded trying to sing karaoke (and it was bad). So I turned around to start walking backwards for a bit, since my feet were hurting, and I looked up and saw somebody who looked familiar. That Julie Sullivan girl who I've had a crush on since North. I looked up and saw her face and then kind of turned around. "Wait, was that really her?", I kind of said to myself. I was in a daze for a little while thinking about it... should I turn around and recheck? Should I say hi? Should I confess I've been madly in love with her for years...should I ask if I ever had a chance? It was weird because I went from having lots of fun with Karyl and Ingrid to being self-concious about my stupid past.

She eventually passed us and I could kind of hear her talking to the person she was walking with. I actual think she was walking with a classmate from North she was friends with back then, Tara Rose. I couldn't really hear what she was saying but it sounded like she was talking about a guy, and moving in with him or something. Or I guess that's what I'd like to imagine. For a while I wasn't sure it was her, but it sounded like her, looked like her, and seemed like her.

So yes, I saw her, and I did nothing. I pondered walking up next to them and saying hi, but that's only something I'd do in my dreams apparently. After seeing them walking the track I didn't see them the rest of the time. I saw a few other people I knew from North too (including the three girls who came into Subway one night that I said hi too), but didn't say hi.

In the same vein as that story, there was one day a while back that it hit me. I've been spending my life looking back at the past. Thinking about the past. Analyzing what I've done wrong and messed up. I really need to move on and up. I need to look at what I've done and do something better. The past is just that. I can't really sit here and fuck up any future I could have by repeating all my mistakes. Mainly this means to stop being a lonely bastard and try to be somebody. Intimacy rather than Isolation - Erik Erikson's stage of early adulthood. I need to look for something new rather than pretending I can love somebody I won't ever see again.

Then, I went to work. This girl, Val Hastings came in, who I used to live next to, her dad was our landlord back when I lived in North Attleboro. Her sister used to take us to school freshman/sophomore year. She graduated valedictorian of the class I would of graduated at NAHS, and went to Harvard. I knew this from reading something in the paper about her. Anyway, she came in with this guy, and after a little while I realized I know who he was. It was this guy Steven who I sat behind in my freshman Algebra class or whatever, he was in my home room too I think, and I remember he being a kind of shady kid, which was really strange when I saw them together. I also thought he may have been this kid who I was friends with back in kindergarten but moved, but I'm not sure and was never sure even in school. But yeah, that was weird. Here I am, I told myself, fuck the past, it don't matter. And then I see someone from my past and it all comes back to me. I didn't really say much to her/them, it was kind of awkward.


And then, the other thing I've been meaning to write about.

The end of the semester was just kind of weird. I really liked Tiffany and it seemed like she liked me too. I don't have to go into everything that happened, I wrote most of it down. I just really loved talking to her outside of class and just having a conversation. It felt nice to talk to a girl sincerely and not feel like I'm an inferior man. I did say some goofy stuff sometimes, and I made some sarcastic Colbert-like comments about Bush that I'm not sure she got. Even now I can't really explain it, it just felt good.

But I whiffed. I should of talked to her that Friday, gave her my number or something, and you never know. But now, I'm doing the same thing I've done about every other girl. Wishing I did something when I didn't, and pretending in my head what it would be like if I did, and thinking I still might have a chance. At least I might see her again, like I've said before, I'm holding out hope that if I go back to Fall River for next semester maybe I'll see her around campus.

The strange thing about the end of the semester was I ended up talking to Stephanie outside of class a bit too. You know, the one I originally had a crush on until suddenly I was like, holy shit, this other girl is much cooler. We ended up talking after that other class with someone else about some politicky stuff like abortion, gay rights, stuff from the class, etc. It was kind of interesting and I learned some stuff about Stephanie that I would not have expected. You know, cause I originally expected to hear no stories about her being a naughty girl.

I also ended up talking to her in the lab the day of my all-nighter. I ended up going to the computer lab to print out some stuff from my Child Psychology binder, and as I got out of my car I noticed she was parked a few cars down but didn't say anything. She ended up coming up to the lab later and I don't know how we started talking about stuff but I guess she was supposed to take a final for this math class with the Professor from my recitation. I guess she really sucks at math and was freaking out about the final and I was trying to reassure her and stuff but I guess she really does suck at math. I don't understand how someone sells back their book before they even finish their final.


All that, and I feel like I'm so close yet so far. When I mentioned Erik Erikson, I'm serious and it feels like I'm struggling with the whole intimacy vs. isolation thing. I'm not really close to anyone in the friends sort of way. Granted, I never really have been my whole life. Isolation is good until you realize intimacy is awesome. And I kind of don't have much experience with intimacy. Now, when a lot of people see intimacy vs. isolation they think sexual intimacy, and for those who haven't read Erikson's eight stages eight different times, it doesn't just mean that sort of intimacy but mainly intimacy between other human beings, like as friends.

I've just spent most of my life isolated. Back in middle school/high school, in my room, alone. Can you really have intimacy through an internet connection? Ask me that 6 - 7 years ago and I'd probably say yes. But now, I feel like I've experienced what intimacy is between people and I feel like I've lost it. I'm a pretty bad friend, I've always hated phone calls - they feel distant and weird to me. And yadda yadda yadda. I do have to say, poker helps, and I've gotten pretty close to Kurt from poker as a friend. He probably knows more about my life than my parents do.

I don't really know where I'm going (actually I do, I just don't want to write about it). I want to be intimate with life, I want to get to know people and get to know myself through other people. This is one of the reasons I wish I went to a real college and all that, and got to meet more people. That and I should just ask out the next girl who seems to cool just to get practice on that whole girl thing.

To finish off this long entry, I was just listening to a Matt Nathanson concert and he made this comment about Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl"..

"Okay, so in this song he's saying, I want Jesse's girl, but I can't have her, and I'm just going to sit back here and for the rest of my life I'm going to wish that I could of had her." ... Kind of what I do.

That, and I think I finally figured out the meaning of Everything Else. "Cause everything else doesn't matter/really cause that girl/that you want/she's never going away/and if you want her you can't have her". She's still in my mind...and I can't have her, and she's never going away.

Woe is me.

Tags: bcc, friends, future, girls, julie, life, nahs, t, the past
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Matt Nathanson

I had a dream I went back to NAHS. I saw Julie left, I saw Julie right, I saw Julie front, I saw Julie back. It was still that flashbulb memory of her, frozen in time. When I saw her last in the dream, I was going down the hallway, going somewhere, I think class was out and I had planned on making up for lost time and try to see some teachers. When I passed her, I thought to myself, Damn she's beautiful, just like I did when I saw her at her locker for the last time at NAHS.

In the middle of the dream I helped a girl by giving her loose-leaf paper before a test of her's and then she found out you couldn't take the test unless you had paper yourself (it was finals), and she thanked me ever gratefully, saying I was the nicest boy in the world. All the while Julie was sitting behind me, finishing some final of her own in homeroom and I was thinking to myself, won't other people just shut up and let her finish the test.

I also had done some great academic achievement that I couldn't remember in the dream when I was talking to teachers. LIke I had done something no one else had done before, but we couldn't remember what. There was some kind of public changing area inside the school during this part, and in one of the stalls there was no back wall, and it was like another room back there where a bunch of people were doing computer/office type stuff.

At the end of my dream I went to the parking lot and got ready to leave and then Bri appeared as she was going to the pool. I walked with her and chatted and walked into the pool area for a bit, which was like a kiddie pool romper room, with people batting balls around the outside, which was about 7 ft long.

The last thing I remember was Mr. Cohen's class, and he and Zack were discussing something, and then Mr. Cohen showed Zack his belly, and then they got into ghetto hug-style hand shakes with Clinton jumping in. And something about teachers getting paid antes plus a big blind.

Then my mind realized this isn't real and I woke up with a hardon like any other REM dream that's worth it's salt. All that and I was only asleep for 4 hours.

Tags: dreams, julie, sleep
Current Mood: dreaming