I broke up with Saskia about a month ago.

We had a fun weekend when she visited from Boston, and then on that Thursday she called me drunk and it was an annoying, unproductive hour that I did not want to be on the phone. I said something really shitty to her on IM the next day, and we didn't talk for a while until she called me up, wondering why we hadn't talked.

After Thurs/Friday I did not really want to talk to her. So I didn't. And we had 2 or 3 phone conversations over the next few weeks that were unproductive. In one of them I broached that I was thinking of breaking up with her, because "if you're going to get drunk and call me and do something I don't like and it makes me unhappy, I'm going to think about breaking up with you".

My other reason is internal. Sometimes when I was with her I thought that everything was perfect, and I wanted to be with her forever. And then there were other times where my brain said that I didn't want to be with her.

I've talked with some people, well, a lot of people about this, and some mentioned how it was normal. Other people mentioned that sometimes its just not meant to be. Psychologically, my mind is not perfect. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression, and still have periods of bad thoughts.

After a month, I know I at least probably bailed out on things a little too soon. Maybe things were going sour but I just gave up. You need to know that you need to break up with someone before you ruin a strong relationship. We had a much stronger relationship than some people I know, yet I still ended it.

I also have terrible timing, since I was hoping to stay at Amherst a whole entire year. But my petition to stay another semester so I could take more courses was rejected. I could stay around in the area and work (and might), but it does kind of make it harder to meet people at Amherst, knowing that I won't be here next semester. I'm free now, in a way, so I'm really considering traveling for the next semester, probably to some place in Europe. Finances are a slight issue, but I need to get out there.

Tags: amherst, love, s
Current Location: computer center

djjohnnymac was right. I probably could of waited until I was sober to make that last post.

Everything is okay after a bit of discussion, and everything is happy.

Now if only investment banks would stop folding and credit would stop tightening some I could get a loan and actually be able to pay for school.

Tags: s, school
Current Music: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I'm tempted to start an oil-related blog. Except I can't write and while I keep up to date I don't know everything. However, I am good at catchy titles. "Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well" - from a Mike Doughty song.

In other news, I won $150 in one of the WSOP fantasy poker freerolls last night. Finished 2nd in limit hold'em after starting Full Tilt up out of the blue and realizing I was registered in a freeroll. That was with 1500 chips left. I was up until 3am but it was moderately fun. However, for the most part poker is still relatively boring. And somehow I'm still good at it.

Also, Saskia comes back in 8 days, 20 hours, 58 minutes and 37 seconds. That's about 212 hours. Yes, I'm counting.

Tags: oil, poker, s
Current Mood: working

 What would you do if after two months, the first person you ever loved went to India for 7 months?

That's my predicament.

And so after about two months of beautiful amazing bliss, I am at Amherst and Saskia is not, gone to study-abroad in India.

Yes, it sucks. We talked about this when I was in Vermont with her. It was the first time I have ever been so close to someone ever. And from October 23rd from January 5th was the best time of my life, ever. I'm having a lot of trouble putting how I feel into words.

But I really miss her, and even though we technically agreed to "break up", we've been e-mailing back and forth (and even chatting on AIM at 6am at night) since she got to India, and I really really miss her.

I suppose on the brightside, it's a good thing that things haven't ended bad, but it's too sad that it's possible that there is so much more there, between us.

Maybe it's because I've waited so long for this, that I've been so picky and so shy and so scared and anxious to actually ask a girl out, or fall in love with someone, but I feel like since I've waited so long and been so picky, it makes her even more perfect. Like this isn't one of those quick failed relationships people have in high school. Maybe this is much longer lasting. And I feel like it could be. Maybe I have no way of knowing, maybe we would of got tired of each other after two months back here, but I miss her and I love her still and I can picture us being together for a while if it wasn't for us being many miles apart.

A friend said back home that it seems like you always like the first one the most. I don't want to abandon her and find out every other girl in the world doesn't live up to her awesomeness.

I miss her. And while I might technically be single, I don't know if I really want to try to meet anyone. And I could easily not try to, it's a lot of work to actually attempt to find another girlfriend. And I kind of want to be single in 7 months.

Maybe things will change in a month, but that's how I feel right now.

Tags: s
Current Location: college
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: matty

I was planning to write something about what I've been up to, but the words are failing me; or more truthfully, the willingness to put what I'm thinking about into words is failing me.

In summary,

- I could of done better on most of my finals and much of the work I did during the last part of the semester, but I got a C+ in Logic, B+ in Poli Sci, an A in Comp Sci, and will hopefully barely pass my final in Linear Algebra that I got an extension for because I was doing so bad. Not great, but it's Amherst, and I expected to not as good as I was used to at BCC.

 - Christmas wasn't so great. Seeing family members was okay, especially my cousin, but most of the gatherings were pretty bland and I didn't really talk ot a lot of my family on my step-dad's side at our usual party. I just didn't really care if they didn't care. And with the exception of the gifts I did not expect from my professor, everything I got was pretty disappointing. It's not about gifts at all, but give me something I would care about rather than a 100 disc CD holder. How about a book?

- Me and Saskia have parted ways because she left to study abroad in India on the 5th. I went to go see her in Vermont over break and I had a lot of fun with all the snow. Her parents were really nice and smart, I could actually have an intelligent conversation with them which is a change from uhh..my parents. I miss her. There's more to say, but I don't feel like writing about it right now, and I don't want to write something completely muddled when it's not the only I need to mention.

- It's good to be back at school and be with friends. Although I kind of forgot what it was like to sleep in my own room.

Tags: amherst, s
Current Mood: lonely

It's almost December at Amherst, and while in some ways it has gone by really fast, in other ways it has gone by really slow.

Academically, everything has gone by so fast and I can't believe there's only a week and a half of classes left after Friday. It feels like I had only just started the semester. The reason it feels like it's gone by so fast is probably because I haven't worked nearly as hard as I should have. While with the exception of my math class, my grades are shockingly decent even though my work ethic is the same as it always has been. 

My Linear Algebra class is, as my girlfriend would say, a disaster. I guess technically I'm failing right now, with a 64 and a 51 on two tests with 65% of my grade yet to be decided (test and a final, counting the 15% my lowest test will get). One of the primary reasons why I'm doing so bad is that I didn't do homework for over four weeks in a row, realizing every time I got to a problem with proofs that I had no idea what I was doing. For the most part I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I think there's hope for me somewhere. I think I did the math and the highest grade I can get if I ace everything is a B, but I doubt that will happen. I think I have to get at least an 80 to still get a C. It's possible, but I need to work a lot harder than I am now.

Socially, have gone by slowly and that's a good thing. I feel like I've been here and around campus forever. I met lots of friends here and my roommate and I get along really well. I do a few different things on campus: crew, IT job, swing lessons, did MassPIRG for a little while. And I found the thing I've been looking for most of my life. A girlfriend. I wrote an entry two months ago about how much I just wanted to be with someone, lie in their arms for hours, sleep in their bed all day, and fall in love. And I have. And it's great. And she's amazing. And it's exactly what I've been looking for.

Unfortunately, a social life is one of the reasons why my grades have fallen and has caused my work ethic to fall to new lows. It's hard to get things done when you usually work on things late at night and instead spend those nights in your girlfriend's bed (my bed isn't nearly as comfortable).

But, it's been an awesome semester overall, as bad as I guess I'm doing here. In my other classes, I have a solid A more than likely in my Computer Science (java) class, probably a B in Logic, and I got a B+/A- on the first half of my Poli Sci term paper. Which really isn't that bad for my first semester at a real college. I don't know if I want to major in Math anymore, since I'm doing so bad in my current class when all I really want to do is teach it. But other than that, things are great.

I still find it a little bit awkward, going to a school that has a little over 1600 students, when I see all kinds of familiar faces yet barely talk to anyone in my dorm except for the two girls across the hall (of which, are my girlfriend and her friend). I feel like I should get to know everyone here, since literally I'll probably see the face of everyone on campus by the end of my stay. It's that small. But I'm still somewhat shy and don't see that happening. And I still sometimes like eating alone, although I enjoy it more when a random acquaintence comes along and I have a friendly conversation with them. It's tricky but I guess that's half the joy of it.

Tags: amherst, college, girls, life, s
Current Mood: happy

New nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,

"I don't believe you've never had a girlfriend."

I'm sorry all of you missed out. If I had had some guts at some point, I'm sure it could of been amazing too.


I love swing dancing. It's pretty easy to teach someone once you as a leader know a few moves. There was a dance thing with a bunch of new people who had never done it before, and it was really easy to just teach them a few different cool moves.

And I think it's helped me learn how to lead. If you push them in the right direction, and they trust you, it will work out, even if they don't know what they're doing. And as a guy, for the most part you have to lead. You have to lift that arm in the air and give them a suggestive tug, or lean in a little closer and go for it and wait for them to react.

You just don't want to drop them. :)


I also love crew. Well, for now. If you told me at the beginning of the semester that I'd be winning our mixed novice/varsity male/female team race, I'd have laughed at you. If you told me that morning that I'd enjoy being in 50 degree weather, in the rain, rowing my heart out, and it'd be the best thing ever, I wouldn't have believed you either. We'll see how I feel when I have to spend another $150 on dues in the spring, but so far it's pretty awesome.


I expected school to be this awesome, but this has probably been the best month of my life. Ever. I'm sure it gets better though.

Tags: girls, s
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Matt Nathanson - Still

So last month I wrote this in a private entry.

"I really want a girlfriend. I really want to be in love. Is this a bad thing to admit?

And it's not just because of the standard reasons. I really want to be close to someone. Emotionally and physically. Physically meaning bodies pressed against one another, concocted weirdly for periods of time, body parts touching other body parts. Being able to feel someone else like I can feel myself. And none of that is sexual."

I think I may have found what I'm looking for. :)

Tags: amherst, girls, s
Current Mood: as happy as possible